All My Little Words

New York, New York!

2011-08-15T17:02:00.003-04:00

When I was younger, I dreamed of going to New York City. Now, I've been not once, but twice. I was still in awe this time around. I think that goes away only if you live there (and maybe not even then). Ashley and I were there from Friday to Sunday and we had an INCREDIBLE time.

On Friday, we flew out of RDU airport. Before we even got on the plane, I had already left my bag on the bus from the parking lot AND dropped my license on the floor while we were checking in. I just hoped I wouldn't be this scatter-brained for the rest of the weekend. Our flight was not as smooth as I would have liked it to be and I'm not even sure why there was so much turbulence because the weather was absolutely beautiful when we landed at LaGuardia Airport, greeted by the Welcome to New York sign. After picking up our luggage, we took my first ever New York taxi ride to the hotel. Our taxi driver (well, all taxi drivers in NY, really) drove like a crazy maniac but he was friendly and conversational. We were dropped off at Yotel (our hotel) which was a cross between an Apple product and something straight out of the Jetson's. We checked ourselves in at a computer in the lobby, or I should said we tried to because, as it turned out, the hotel still showed a $350 balance for us (!!!). Fortunately, we were able to get that all sorted out (talk about a heart attack though). Our cabin was incredibly tiny but so cool. There was a flat screen TV, a "couch" that stretched into a bed at the touch of a button, purple mood lighting, and the list of neat little gadgets goes on. It didn't even matter to us that it was small and, even better, the bed was really comfy (cleanliness and a comfy bed are what I care most about). We had a quick lunch at Yotel's Green Lounge. The plates of what we ordered (I had a pulled chicken salad) were tiny but delicious (and sort of expensive!). It was all that we needed though because, for dinner, we were dining at Cafe Un Deux Trois, a French restaurant (in case you couldn't tell by the name). Our waiter was fabulous and so funny. He couldn't believe we were 25 and, after we assured him that we were, asked what moisturizer we use :). The food was AH-MAZING. We ordered escargot as an appetizer (yes, that would be snails...with butter and garlic, in fact...don't knock it 'til you've tried it), pasta with a gorgonzola sauce, and the most delectable crepe with bananas, chocolate, and a scoop of coconut ice cream and coconut flakes on top. I was so stuffed! Also, the waiter accidentally poured water into my glass of white wine so I got another for free! Afterward, we headed toward the Al Hirschfeld Theatre to see How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying, starring DANIEL RADCLIFFE. There are truly no words for how wonderful this show was...the singing, dancing, and acting were all phenomenal. And D. Rad can do all three! Though we were all the way in the back of the theatre, the moment was no less magical. After all, it was my very first Broadway show. When the show was over, we made our way to the stage door but it was pure insanity. Unfortunately, I didn't even get a glimpse of Daniel. But I did get the see the top of John Laroquette's head (whoopie). It was disappointing but certainly not unexpected. My feelings at the end of the night were a mixture of exhaustion and contentment.

Saturday was also beautiful. We grabbed breakfast at the hotel and were out before 10am. At the airport, we'd come across the brochure for a Harry Potter Exhibition in the city. Well, of course, we knew we couldn't pass it up. So, on Saturday morning, that was our plan. The exhibition was completely worth the time and money. It was filled with costumes, props, and set pieces. We were able to pull up mandrakes, sit in Hagrid's chair, and play Quidditch. Ashley even touched Ron's bed! When we arrived in the gift shop, we realized it was going to be nothing but trouble and, yes, we did end up spending a ridiculous amount of money (again, totally worth it). Next, we headed to a Broadway-themed gift shop and back to the theatre to pick up How to Succeed... t-shirts. We had lunch at Roxy's (both Ashley and I opted for the foot-long hot dog...um...SO GOOD) and met a really nice family from Minnesota (mom strikingly resembled a blonde Sarah Palin). We highly recommended they see How to Succeed... at some point during their trip. By 2pm, we were ready to head back to the hotel to rest and get ready for the remainder of the evening. That night, we met up with Ashley's friends, Laura and Ashley, and my friend from grad school, Jodi, for dinner at Trattoria Trecolori. It was so good to see Jodi and the food was delicious. I had gnocchi with eggplant and mozzerela and ate every last bit (prompting me to feel like I needed some sort of food detox when the trip was over from eating so many rich dishes). After dinner, Ashley and I sprinted (literally) to the theatre for Anything Goes. I was especially excited to see this one since my high school did it in 2004 (way back when!). We were in the SECOND row and it was AWESOME. It was another beautiful performance and so much fun. I was even able to remember some of the words to the songs. Before the curtain call, we rushed off to the stage door and were the first ones there...just to find out that the cast wasn't coming out because there was some sort of party that night. I was disappointed but Ashley was even more so. Sutton Foster (who played Reno Sweeney) is her hero and she was hoping to meet her for a second time. Regardless, I still considered my second Broadway show to be a success. Back at the hotel, we met up with Ashley again for a couple drinks and a late-night snack. Since the hotel restaurant closed at 12am, we wound up at a place called Shorty's for some deliciously greasy bar food (what else can you find to eat at 12am?). The walk back to the hotel was a wet one as it had started raining...

...and it was still raining when we work up, still raining on the way to the airport, and still raining when we took off for Raleigh. The taxi ride to the airport was miserable...we were jostled all over the place and it made me queasy. Ashley woke up with an unhappy stomach so, at this point, we were just ready to get home. The flight was much smoother than the first (our tummies appreciated that) and we arrived safe and sound in Raleigh a little after 5pm.

On the plane ride home, Ashley and I decided that we're going to take a trip every year. Next stop... Harry Potter world in Orlando!

Let Freedom Ring

2011-07-03T10:20:00.003-04:00

I absolutely love long weekends. Right now, I'm at my parents' house, celebrating July 4th weekend and my Dad's birthday. We haven't done much but it's been fun. Working with families as I do, and seeing such turbulent relationships, makes me so grateful for the relationship I have, and have pretty much always had, with my parents. We don't agree on everything but they let me be who I am. And I've accepted them (finally) as they are.

Not too much has changed since my previous post. Unlike last summer, I'm actually having a little fun (working at Youth Villages last year didn't allow much time for fun...hard to believe I would have been there 1 year this month if I had stayed). I've been trying to spend as much time with friends as possible because they keep my spirits up when I'm feeling defeated (a common feeling when you work in the mental health field). Speaking of which, things with work are going well. My team welcomed our new member, Jackie, and she's been doing a great job so far. It's amazing how different the atmosphere has been during team meetings in comparison to when my old team member was there. With the previous one, I always felt like I was walking on eggshells but, with my current team, I feel like I can be myself and have a little credibility as a supervisor at the same time. A big improvement. In addition, one of my friends from grad school, Carrie, recently started as a CST lead. It's been nice to have a familiar face in the office. I've been trying to help her out as much as possible because I remember all too well how lost you can feel when you're new.

My social/love life... Sigh. I won't even go there. It's far too complicated.

I'm going to New York City in August with the amazing Ashley Phipps! It was a completely spontaneous decision. When she first asked me, I thought there was no way I could go. Between work and having to pay a ridiculous amount of bills every month (thank you, school loans), I just figured I couldn't do it. But, the more I thought about it, the more I realized WHY NOT? I have the time off and, after Ashley did the calculations, I saw that it wasn't going to cost THAT much, especially considering the fact that we're seeing two (yes, two!) shows while we're there. Did I mention that the beautiful and incredible DANIEL RADCLIFFE is starring in one of these shows??? I vow right now to try everything I can to meet that man. I mean, how many more opportunities will I have? Only a few more weeks to wait!

The summer is shaping up quite nicely :)

It's What You Make It

2011-05-30T12:15:00.003-04:00

It's Memorial Day and being off of work has afforded me a little time to finally (FINALLY) catch up with my blog. I had considered working today and, honestly, don't know what I was thinking. Yes, I do understand that Memorial Day isn't just a day off...but, truth be told, I hadn't really thought of it that way until at church yesterday (but more about that in a few minutes). It's funny how someone simply reframing something in a different way can change your mind about it. And so, while I don't agree with war, I am grateful for the men and women who have put their own lives on the line so that I can be free and openly disagree with the things in which I don't believe (as well as agree with the things I do believe!). They are in my thoughts and prayers today.

Quite a bit has been going on with me lately. I've been making moves toward becoming healthier - physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. It's not always easy. In fact, it's pretty darn tough some days. But I'm getting there...mostly because I realize how important it is.

I've been with Triumph for nearly 2 months now, which is hard to believe. It seems like it was just yesterday that I was just an unemployed, aspiring therapist with a Masters degree but no license (hence the unemployment), searching for jobs on CraigsList and becoming more and more discouraged by the day. My job isn't perfect but I am SO grateful to have found it. Since my last entry, I have gotten my provisional license (woo hoo!), which means I was able to keep my job as team lead (umm...thank goodness?). So I'm finally able to count my client contact hours toward full licensure. I have 3 years to get 1000 hours and, with this job, I think it'll be doable. I'm slowly getting to know my co-workers and, for the most part, like them very much. As team lead, I supervise 2 Intensive In-Home Specialists. Almost 2 weeks ago, we had to part ways with one of my team members (long story) so, that's been a little stressful. Until someone steps in to fill the position, my other team member, Cassie, and I are doing all the work. I'm hoping, and have been told, that the position should be filled sooner rather than later. Other than that, the job has been leaps and bounds better than Youth Villages. The families are still challenging but everything else is just so much more manageable. I feel less stressed and less drained at the end of the day, even though my hours are still long. The paperwork isn't as demanding. I feel more able to set limits and boundaries. Honestly though, I think my positive feelings toward the job are due to more than just the job itself. After having 3 months off, to recuperate from YV, I'm just in a better place than I was - even when I started at YV. Also, having such a strong and wonderful support system in my own city has been amazing. And, of course, being closer in proximity to my family, being able to go home for holidays, and talking with them frequently on the phone has helped a ton. I had a training on Friday and, as it turned out, all the team leads from my office were there. It was a good experience because, first of all, I'm weird and actually really like the trainings and, secondly, I had the opportunity to become better aquainted with the other team leads. I was able to see them in a more "human" role and they were able to see me that way. For the first time, I felt like I was part of their team (it's tough when you're the new kid and everyone else has been there for over a year). Now, don't get me wrong, I still get frustrated. I still feel like throwing my hands up sometimes at the end of the day. I still wonder at times how I'm going to make it through the week. BUT I am much more able to keep a positive attitude (the bigger paycheck might help with that a little!).

Things with my new roomie, Jamie, have been great. At first, she stayed to herself quite a bit but we've been talking and hanging out a lot more. I've introduced her to several of my friends and I've gotten to the point that I'm comfortable calling her a "friend" too. Sam was in town this past weekend and the 3 of us spent the better part of Saturday just sitting around my dining room table, experimenting with make-up, and talking. Afterward, Sam commented on how much she liked Jamie and I agreed. It was then that I realized how lucky I was to have found such a great roommate, especially seeing as how we met on CraigsList (yeah, I know). Also, the apartment has really come together and I think I'm pretty much finished decorating. I really, really like our space and I enjoy spending time here.

I've recently returned to Journey Church and it was a good decision. I'd taken a little break...not so much on purpose but because I'd been out of town nearly every Sunday. Since returning, I've actually gotten baptized. It's something I've wanted to do for a long time but was afraid for some reason...maybe because I've always been a little intimidated about how much I don't know about God, church, and the Bible. But I took a leap and did it...it meant a lot to me to go public with my faith. Mom and Dad came to see it, which also meant a lot to me. I'd been prepared to do it alone, especially since few of my friends are involved in church, but to have my parents there made it that much more special. And they were proud of me for doing it.

I've said it before and I'll say it again...I LOVE being so close to my friends. Just being aware of how much I would have probably missed out on over the last few weeks solidifies that feeling. We've been keeping up with our weekly potluck tradition. Sara is in New Hampshire for the summer (miss you!) but Molly, Tim, and I are planning to keep it going in her absence. I had a few friends over on Friday night for Sam's Mary Kay party and, again, I realized how difficult it would be to do things like that if I was in Greenville or Wilmington or New Bern or wherever other than here. I know that things may not always be as they are now and I can't say that I'll never move out of the Raleigh area but I do intend to enjoy and take advantage of the time that I, and so many of my friends, are here and can share moments with one another.

Until next time... :) <3

Day 30...I Made It!

2011-04-23T04:24:00.002-04:00

Day 30 - A picture of someone you miss.

Granny (that's my little blonde head in the picture). I never had the opportunity to really get to know her but I miss her and I like to think she'd be really proud of the things I've accomplished. :)

30 DAY PROJECT COMPLETE!

Day 29

2011-04-22T12:34:00.003-04:00

Day 29 - A picture that can always make you smile.

While things aren't even close to what they were like when this picture was taken, it still never fails to make me smile.

Day 28

2011-04-21T18:54:00.003-04:00

Day 28 - A picture of something you're afraid of.

I've always been frightened of tornadoes but, after this past Saturday, I'd say I have a full-blown phobia now.

Behind Again...Days 26 & 27

2011-04-20T21:27:00.005-04:00

Day 26 - A picture of something that means a lot to you.

This isn't my baby blanket but it resembles it. Yes, my baby blanket STILL means a lot to me. Don't you judge.

Day 27 - A picture of yourself and a family member.

I realized that my dad has yet to be featured in this 30 day project thingy. So, here we are on Class Day in May 2010.

Day 25

2011-04-18T21:21:00.002-04:00

Day 25 - A picture of you last year and how you've changed since then.

This picture was taken almost exactly one year ago, in April 2010, before the Meredith Spring Formal. I look very similar physically but the changes I've undergone aren't exactly visible...

Days 23 & 24

2011-04-17T17:56:00.003-04:00

Day 23 - A picture of your favorite book.

But, of course. :)

Day 24 - A picture of something you wish you could change.

I sometimes wish I had the power to change the weather, especially after seeing yesterday's destruction.

2 for the Price of 1...Days 21 and 22

2011-04-15T19:49:00.002-04:00

Day 21 - A picture of something you wish you could forget.

I wouldn't mind forgetting February 21st, 2011. It's the day Brandon and I broke up.

Day 22 - A picture of something you wish you were better at.

Decorating cakes that are as beautiful as they are delicious!

Day 20

2011-04-13T23:25:00.001-04:00

Day 20 - A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel.

Australia...mate.

Day 19

2011-04-12T19:41:00.003-04:00

Day 19 - A picture of a habit you wish you didn't have.

I would like to say I've broken this habit since no longer being a student but once a procrastinator, always a procrastinator. And I am the queen.

Day 18

2011-04-11T17:15:00.003-04:00

Day 18 - A picture of your favorite place.

London is my absolute favorite place in the world. This picture was taken in Hyde Park, summer of 2007.

Days 16 & 17

2011-04-10T16:45:00.006-04:00

I was in Wilmington all day yesterday (a little more on that later), so I wasn't able to post. Just trying to catch up :)

Day 16 - A picture of someone you've been friends with the longest and still feel connected to.

I'm still friends with a handful of people from high school but as far as both knowing someone a long time AND feeling connected, that person has to be Laura. We met our freshman year at Meredith and, though we don't get to see each other terribly often, when we do get together, it's as if no time has passed. This picture is from her wedding...I was a bridesmaid.

Day 17 - A picture of your biggest insecurity.

This picture represents how I fit into the working world. That's probably my biggest insecurity right now. As an amateur therapist and one who hasn't always been (and sometimes still isn't) confident about my place in the field, I'm quite insecure about the work I do.

I went down to Wilmington yesterday to stay with Sam, Andy, and Andy. It was the first time I'd been back since moving. We met up with Stephen (from YV), his wife, Amanda, and their ADORABLE baby, Hannah for lunch at Hell's Kitchen, then explored the Azalea Festival (I'd never been). We were at the festival for about 30 minutes when I spotted one of the families I used to work with. Luckily, they didn't spot me or that might have been a little awkward. Last night, we just ordered pizza and watched How to Train Your Dragon (don't judge - it was a really good movie and the only one the 4 of us could agree on). It was a really low-key day but, honestly, I'd prefer that to going out and getting crazy, then feeling terrible the next day. I'm such an old lady. :-P Truth be told, I could have gone to bed at 10pm; I was so exhausted from getting up early and making the 2 hour drive. But it was a good time and really nice to catch up with the Wilmington gang.

I found myself feeling a bit nostalgic while I was there, especially if, while in the car, we came anywhere close to where Brandon and I used to live. It's so funny how that whole part of my life feels a bit like a dream...like it didn't even happen. It seems very long ago...even though it's only been about 3 months. Of course, much has changed in those 3 months. I was a little sad but able to snap myself out of it.

I was in training all last week for my new job and, so far, I still have good feelings about it. The CEO of the company came to talk to us on Monday, which spoke volumes to me. You better believe I never laid eyes (in person) on the CEO of Youth Villages. The training itself was 10x better than my orientation for YV. I actually feel like I learned something (imagine that) and it wasn't a waste of my time. It also helped that the corporate office, where we were training, was about 7 minutes from my apartment. The first part of the week, it was just the new hires but, on Thursday and Friday, we were joined by a few staff members who have been with Triumph for a while. I was able to meet 2 of the people from my office, though neither of them will be on my team. I also met an outpatient therapist from the Burlington office with whom I really seemed to click. She and I were partners for all the training activities on Friday and found out that we have a lot in common. We may never see each other in person again but having someone to chat with certainly made the day go by more quickly and was more enjoyable. It's funny how you find these people who are SO much like you, sometimes in the most unlikely of situations. Tomorrow will be my first day at the office and I don't know too much about what it holds. I have a feeling I'll be seeing families by the end of the week though (which, frankly, does make me a little nervous). Please think positive thoughts about my first real week of work!

Day 15

2011-04-08T16:17:00.002-04:00

Day 15 - A picture of something you want to do before you die.

Before I die, I want to sink my toes into the sands of a Hawaiian beach. :)

Day 14

2011-04-07T22:55:00.003-04:00

Day 14 - A picture of your favorite pastime.

I love to scrapbook.

Day 13

2011-04-06T16:54:00.002-04:00

Day 13 - A picture of your favorite band or artist.

Though it changes quite often, this has been my favorite band for a while now...

Kings of Leon

Day 12

2011-04-05T20:29:00.003-04:00

Day 12 - A picture of something you love.

Cupcakes - a no-brainer.

A good afternoon nap.

Gorgeous London.

Day 11

2011-04-04T19:14:00.006-04:00

Day 11 - A picture of something you hate.

Mayonnaise - so disgusting.

Tornadoes.

Self-explanatory.

Headaches (been fighting one ALL day!).

Day 10

2011-04-03T15:58:00.003-04:00

Day 10 - A picture of someone you see yourself marrying in the future.

Well, since I have no idea who that'll be, this fine gentleman is a good substitute. Oh, a girl can dream :)

Matthew Gray Gubler a.k.a. Dr. Spencer Reid of Criminal Minds

Day 9

2011-04-02T10:33:00.005-04:00

Day 9 - A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most.

Wow...I definitely don't think I can narrow it down to just one. And so I won't.

My mom is an obvious answer - she's ALWAYS been there for me.

Sammie - I wouldn't have made it through grad school (or Youth Villages) without her.

Hillary - one of the best friends I could ever have. She's helped me through many a bad break-up, among other things.

And last but not least, Molly, who was able to empathize with me at a time when everyone else probably thought I was a little crazy.

Day 8

2011-04-01T10:00:00.003-04:00

Day 8 - A picture that makes you laugh.

Mother Rubie Teresa

Day 7

2011-03-31T09:48:00.003-04:00

Day 7 - A picture that shows your true self.

How I usually look on the outside.

How I usually feel on the inside.

J-O-B

2011-03-30T22:57:00.002-04:00

Today, I accepted a job offer with Triumph, LLC. I'll be starting out as an Intensive In-Home Team Specialist and, once my provisional license is official (Lord willing), I'll move up to Team Lead. I'm excited about it but I'm trying not to allow myself to get TOO excited. I was way too excited about my last job and it, well, blew up in my face. I did do more research before accepting this offer, as far as talking to others who work for, or have worked for, the company. I've gotten surprisingly good reviews (surprising because I was afraid they would be otherwise). Before I started at Youth Villages, I just sort of ignored what few things I heard about it (because they were bad and I wasn't about to let anyone burst my bubble). I wanted to be much more cautious this time and, hopefully, it'll pay off. My training starts on Monday. While I will be very sad to give up all the free time I've had, I won't miss the days of just wandering around the apartment with nothing to do and no money to spend. It'll feel good to have something with which to fill my days. Or, at least, I say that now. ;)

I've been having a tough time sleeping for the last few nights and I'm not sure why. I moved my TV into the living room after Brandon left, so I had to get used to sleeping in silence again (I'm not a fan). I tried playing soft music on my ipod but that ended up keeping me awake worse than the TV. Even when I do fall asleep, I wake up again shortly thereafter. My body feels so tired but I just can't sleep.

This evening, I finished off the second book I've read all the way through in the longest time. Again, I recommend Loving Him Without Losing You to every woman I know. I do hope the new job will still allow some time for my newly rediscovered love of reading.

Day 6

2011-03-30T09:16:00.003-04:00

Day 6 - A picture of somewhere you've been.

From my study abroad experience in Summer 2007 - Cardiff, Wales.

Day 5

2011-03-29T09:41:00.006-04:00

Day 5 - A picture of your favorite memory.

I couldn't narrow it down to 1 so...

At the movie premiere of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix...in London!

My graduation from Meredith...one of the few times all my favorite people were in the same place.

Meeting one of my feminist idols - the great Gloria Steinem.

Graduating from ECU and putting behind me one of the hardest, but most rewarding, experiences of my life.

Day 4

2011-03-28T10:55:00.006-04:00

Day 4 - A picture of my day.

Or, at least, my day so far. And as I don't plan on too much more happening today, here it is...

I woke up to this:

Though this one doesn't depict the snow/sleet that was also falling on this 28th day of March. It IS Spring, right?

Then, I interviewed here:

The outcome of which is TBD. This week...I'll be mailing off my LMFTA application. Jamie moves in on Saturday. My parents are also probably coming to town on Saturday to bring my (likely temporary) couch and my ECU diploma (finally!). Changes, changes...

Day 3

2011-03-27T14:39:00.004-04:00

Day 3 - A picture of the cast from your favorite show.

For me, it's a toss up between...

Criminal Minds and...

Glee!

Day 2

2011-03-27T00:32:00.003-04:00

Day 2 - A picture of you and the person you have been closest with the longest.

My mom, of course.

On a separate note...Brandon moved out today. It went about how I had expected it to. The gloomy weather was appropriate and certainly reflected my mood. We weren't ugly toward each other in the least, which may have made things even more difficult to some degree. With him went the couch, chair, ottoman, entertainment center, and TV...leaving the living room pretty empty. Looking at that open space, I felt the most alone I've felt since we broke up. I didn't realize how much I'd still been depending on him, at least emotionally, knowing that he was still in the area. Now, he's just going to feel so far away. I still believe that everything happens for a reason but, unfortunately, telling myself that over and over does little to ease the hurt.

I am a dreamer and when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

Goodbye My Lover - James Blunt

30 Day Project...Just For Kicks

2011-03-25T20:43:00.003-04:00

So, I've seen people participating in this 30 Day Project thing and, just because I want to do something a little bit fun, I'm going to do it too.

Day 1 - A picture of yourself + 10 facts

One of my favorites (thanks, Hillary)...from a simpler time.

1. I'm almost always early, every where I go. Even earlier if I'm going to a place I've never been before.
2. I'm addicted to cupcakes. Surprising me with cupcakes is pretty much the way to my heart.
3. I usually sleep with my head under the covers, especially if I'm sleeping alone. I create my own little cave...it makes me feel safe and cozy. :)
4. I could watch re-runs of Criminal Minds and Law and Order: SVU all day, every day.
5. I have scoliosis. I had surgery for it in 2000 but my back will never be "quite right".
6. One of my biggest pet peeves is when I can hear my neighbors talking while inside my apartment.
7. I wanted to quit grad school almost every single day I was in it...I'm glad I didn't. I now consider it one of my biggest life accomplishments thus far.
8. I'm "in love" with actor Matthew Gray Gubler and he's definitely my "type".
9. I have a hard time talking about myself, especially pointing out my strengths. However, with all the job interviews I've gone on recently, I think I've gotten better.
10. I have a habit of twirling the rings on my fingers, mostly when I'm bored, thinking, or nervous.

Spring Cleaning

2011-03-22T15:19:00.004-04:00

I recently started reading a new book called Loving Him without Losing You. I feel like this book was written for me, which is weird because I just stumbled upon it while looking for a friend's birthday gift. In it, the author (Beverly Engel) describes what she calls the Disappearing Woman syndrome, which is when a woman completely loses herself in a relationship. Engel explains that this syndrome is actually on a continuum with women at each extreme as well as in the middle. Personally, based on the description of the continuum, I feel like I'm in the middle somewhere. In one of the earlier chapters of the book, it asked me to list all the ways I feel like I "disappear" in relationships. It wasn't hard to do. I won't go into detail but I was able to list 10 ways I disappear. These were things that I had noticed before but a) didn't want to admit because, come on, I'm a feminist for goodness sakes b) didn't think it was the phenomenon it appears to be and c) had no idea what to do to go about changing it. Engel lists 7 strategies (or "commitments", as she calls them - commitments to YOURSELF) for maintaining a healthy, solid sense of self while in a relationship:

Learn to go slowly.
Be yourself and tell the truth about yourself.
Maintain a separate life.
Stay in the present and in reality.
Don't go changing to try to please him.
Cultivate equal relationships.
Speak your mind.

I definitely recommend getting this book, even if you don't think you lose yourself in relationships. According to Engel, and I agree, almost all women disappear to some extent - thanks to culture (society!), psychology, and biology. I'm taking some of my time as a single (and, sadly, unemployed) woman to strengthen my own sense of self and, hopefully, be much more confident in who I am the next time I choose to get into a relationship...whenever that may be ;).

A few weeks ago, I made a post-breakup CD (it's what I do) and, as a few of my friends and acquaintances are also experiencing the end of a relationship, I thought I would share the songs.

King of Anything - Sara Bareilles
Firework - Katy Perry
Forget You - Cee Lo Green
What the Hell - Avril Lavigne
A Little Bit Stronger - Sara Evans
Ridin' Solo - Jason Derulo
Stronger - Glee Cast (you may prefer the Britney version but I'm a Gleek!)
Magic - B.o.B. w/ Rivers Cuomo (really has nothing to do with breaking up - just makes me feel good!)
Defying Gravity - Glee Cast
Single Ladies - Beyonce (duh)
Believe - Cher (don't hate)
Red High Heels - Kellie Pickler
Just Fine - Mary J. Blige
Girls Just Wanna Have Fun - Cyndi Lauper

No Steam

2011-03-20T20:02:00.002-04:00

Today, Brandon came by to start packing his things. He's officially moving to New Bern next weekend. And, tomorrow, we've been broken up for one month. It's hard to believe that so much time has already passed. When we moved to Morrisville in January, I certainly didn't think he would be moving out in March. The same sorts of things keep cycling through my thoughts and I know my friends and family have to be tired of me talking about it but I just can't figure it out. As I was telling my mom earlier...this is something that we just can't see eye to eye on and probably never will. I can't understand his decision and he can't understand why I feel the way I do about it. But the process is almost over, at least the moving part of it, and I think we'll both be a little less stressed when it is.

Chasing Pavements

2011-03-14T17:50:00.003-04:00

Brandon took his name off the lease today. I don't really know how I feel about it. It's a relief to have a roommate to fill his place but...she's not really "filling his place". He even seemed more sad today than I've seen him in the past. I knew it was coming but didn't realize exactly how I was going to feel when it actually happened.

My new roomie, Jamie, is planning to move in around April 1st. I just hope my lucky streak when it comes to roommates (i.e. Hillary, Sam - boys excluded) continues. After Brandon moves, I'll still have some things in the apartment to rearrange, a.k.a. moving all of my crap out of Jamie's soon-to-be room. The whole apartment is a work in progress. I haven't been very motivated to decorate the walls but I'm getting to it. I want very much for it to be a place I enjoy coming home to.

I'm in the process of applying for my Licensed Marriage and Family Therapy Associate (LMFTA) status and it's a serious pain in the butt. It's $200, first of all, with which I'm going to have a really hard time separating. Secondly, I have to find someone to be my supervisor because he/she has a form to sign. Then, I have to obtain 3 endorsement/recommendation forms. I have to attach course descriptions from grad school to the application. And the whole thing has to be notarized...all by April 1st! Seriously...after graduating from an accredited program and passing the licensure exam, you would think that's enough. Oh no. As much as I hate it, I have a feeling I'll end up driving to Greenville sometime this week. Yay.

Still no news on the job front. I have another interview tomorrow but who knows. I keep hoping this is going to be the week it happens.

Kristy introduced me to a new church yesterday called Journey. I really liked it...though I still miss Port City. That was, by far, the best church I've ever been to. But, unless I want to settle for watching it online (which isn't nearly the same), I have to find a new place. The sermon yesterday was very relevant to my current situation and I was hoping it would be. God has a way of working out that sort of thing.

And that's the update for now. I'm melancholy today, if you can't tell by my tone. I feel like I'm continuously running in place and I'm just so ready to go somewhere.

Even on My Weakest Days, I Get a Little Bit Stronger

2011-03-12T20:47:00.004-05:00

I haven't had a real entry in quite some time because I've been considering what exactly to write. I feel like, over the last year, I've been writing about nothing but all the changes in my life. Why is my life always in constant flux? At least, I feel like it is. I'm one of those people who NEEDS stability and consistency but they escape me. In January, my life changed a lot. In February, it changed a good deal more. We're nearly halfway through March and I'm exhausted. Things seriously need to settle down.

On February 21st, Brandon and I broke up. It is a LONG and drawn out story but the basic gist is that he was offered a job in New Bern, NC and decided to take it. I was given the option to go with him but decided against it. I had just gotten back to the place I felt I belonged...the Raleigh area is almost more of a home to me than the city I'm actually from. My friends are here and my family is nearby. Job opportunities for me are here. I couldn't go anywhere. It wasn't an easy decision, though I made it quickly. It was just very clear to me. Not to mention the fact that I'd been in this apartment for exactly one month and couldn't stand the thought of packing everything up again and going through the physical and emotional turmoil of moving. And I knew that New Bern had nothing to offer me (aside from Brandon)...I would be at least an hour and a half from anyone I knew. Some people can live like that but I can't. That's really all I'm going to say about the break up itself. I'm not going to badmouth Brandon, especially online, though I'm still extremely hurt and quite angry over the whole situation.

Since then, I've had to do some serious thinking and my emotions have been up, down, and everywhere in between. The first week, it didn't feel real yet, especially since we saw each other nearly every day. The second week, I was a tower of strength...I didn't even understand where it was coming from. I felt GOOD, which caused a little bit of guilt because I wasn't sure I should be feeling that good. I felt at peace. This past week, however, has been rough. Some things happened on Monday that just tore me apart. Monday night, I simply lost it...it was the worst I'd felt since the night we broke up and I was all alone, mostly by choice - I didn't want to call anyone; I just needed to deal on my own. The week improved after that but I still didn't feel nearly as strong as the week before and I couldn't stop thinking I'd let myself down. I know now that isn't the case because I'm going to have good days and bad days but I just wasn't willing to cut myself any slack. If a friend was in the same situation, I would have told her it was completely normal...I need to start listening to my own encouragement.

Initially, I didn't want a roommate. I couldn't imagine living in this apartment with anyone other than Brandon. Eventually, however, the thought of moving again became much less pleasant than the thought of living with someone I didn't know. And so I joined Roommates.com (which was pointless, by the way, as not a single person has contacted me or replied to my messages) and posted the room on CraigsList. I'll be honest...it's been a frustrating process, especially because my first few e-mails were sketchy and nothing I would actually pursue. Fortunately, it looks like I've found a roomie. She seems very nice (and normal) and we have some things in common. We've both agreed that we're not looking to be best friends but just live together amicably. I hope and pray it works out.

I'm still looking for a job and, needless to say, I started to freak out just a little bit more when I found out Brandon would be moving out. I applied for probably 15 jobs this week (after a friend kicked me in the butt and helped me realize I don't want to be so desperate that I take the first thing I'm offered) and I'm waiting to hear back about some promising leads (fingers crossed!). My stress level is going to continue to be paramount until I get a job. That's just how it is.

On a much happier note, I PASSED MY MFT LICENSURE EXAM...heck yes, I did! Allow me a moment to brag... Not only did I pass, I made a 173 when the passing score was 133. And who made the highest score of the 38 examinees in North Carolina? That would be me. And who made only 6 points less than the highest score in the US. Um...yes, that would also be me. Who's bad? I'm bad. Those test results brightened an otherwise gloomy week.

On another happy note...an extreme amount of gratitude goes to my friends and family who have been amazing during these last few weeks. I've gotten phone calls, text messages, visits, free dinners, and more from them in an attempt to check on me, get me out of the apartment, and just generally make me feel better. They've been incredible. If this had to happen, I thank God it happened here. Even on the crappiest of days, I still feel blessed because I have some really super people in my life. I love, love, love them.

And that is how I'm going to end this entry because I've had enough bad mess in my life lately. Hopefully, I will soon have even better news to report (roomie situation working well? new job? won the lottery?). As Ellen concludes her talk show...be kind to each other. Lord knows I've recently had a lot of kindness come my way. :)

Theme Song. Philosophy. MANTRA.

2011-03-01T20:06:00.002-05:00

Below are 2 of my post-break-up theme songs. The first also helped me through my previous break-up; the second is one I just happened to come across today (while making another of many post-break-up CDs) and couldn't believe how much it applied to my current emotions and situation.

Defying Gravity (performed in Wicked...and also by the phenomenal cast of GLEE)

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes and leap!

It's time to try
Defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I am defying gravity
And you wont bring me down!

I'm through accepting limits
''cause someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try, I'll never know!
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost
Well, if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost!

I'd sooner buy
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I'm defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
And you wont bring me down!

I'd sooner buy
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I'm defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
And you won't bring me down!

A Little Bit Stronger (by Sara Evans)

Woke up late today and I still feel the sting of the pain
But I brushed my teeth anyway
I got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face
I got a little bit stronger

Riding in the car to work and I'm trying to ignore the hurt
So I turned on the radio, stupid song made me think of you
I listened to it for minute but I changed it
I'm getting a little bit stronger, just a little bit stronger

And I'm done hoping that we could work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I'm done thinking that you could ever change

I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger

Doesn't happen overnight but you turn around
And a month's gone by and you realize you haven't cried
I'm not giving you a hour or a second or another minute longer
I'm busy getting stronger

And I'm done hoping that we can work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I'm done thinking, that you could ever change

I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger
I get a little bit stronger

Getting along without you, baby
I'm better off without you, baby
How does it feel without me, baby?
I'm getting stronger without you, baby

And I'm done hoping we could work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I'm done thinking that you could ever change

I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger

I get a little bit stronger
Just a little bit stronger
A little bit, a little bit, a little bit stronger
I get a little bit stronger

Ambivalence

2011-02-09T16:03:00.004-05:00

It's 4pm on a Wednesday and I'm blogging...yet another thing I'm able to do thanks to no longer having my job. Some of the other things have included: sleeping, eating someplace other than my car or desk, working out, smiling, spending time with people I actually care about, doing laundry, and going more than one day without feeling as though I might have a stress-induced panic attack. I'd say it's been a pretty successful month. I have been looking for a job but, honestly, I don't exactly know what to look for. I'm completely ambivalent about being a therapist and yet I'm not qualified to do much of anything else. I've considered going back to school but I'm not sure what I would go for. I've also seriously contemplated becoming a certified wedding planner. No, I'm not joking. I realize I'm no Jennifer Lopez but I think it's something I would actually enjoy. Of course, I start worrying about what kind of business I would have. What's the market like for wedding planners these days? I mean, seems like it would be pretty good. People are getting married. People are busy. I'd say that calls for a wedding planner. It's an option, at least. On the bright side, I have a job interview on Friday for Veteran's Affairs in Durham. I'll write more about the actual job description after the interview because, at the moment, I don't know a whole lot about it. However, what I do know sounds really interesting and it would be a slight shift on the typical therapy thing, which it what I think I need right now. Oh, and I forgot to mention...I took the MFT licensure exam last Friday. I was surprisingly calm going in and still had about an hour and a half to spare when I was finished. I took my time, considered every answer, and checked over my selections before submitting. Some of the answers I knew without a doubt, others weren't so black and white. Overall, I left the testing center feeling pretty okay about the whole thing. It'll be about 4 weeks before I find out my results. If I fail, I'll be the only person in my class who hasn't passed and I just can't bear that humiliation. And I would be out a WHOLE lot of money. If I pass, I'll be one step closer to a career I'm not even all that sure about. This is my life.

Speaking of life, I've been enjoying a lot more of it since moving. Last Saturday, to celebrate finishing my exam, Brandon took me to Gigi's Cupcakes where I experienced an incredible red velvet cupcake. It was the typical red velvet cake with a vanilla filling, amazing cream cheese frosting, red sugar sprinkles, and a white chocolate heart on top. Happiness. In. My. Mouth. Saturday night, Cheryl and Rowland (Brandon's mom and step-dad) came over for dinner. Brandon and Rowland put our new entertainment center together (a Christmas gift from Cheryl and Rowland), we enjoyed chicken pot pie, and I dominated at dominoes (one of my new favorite games). On Sunday, I had a much overdue breakfast with Sarah. The pancakes were scrumptious (orange pancakes with orange-infused butter and orange molasses) and the conversation flowed more easily than I expected it to. It was good to catch up with Sarah after so much time. That evening, Brandon and I went to a Superbowl party thrown by my friend, Allison (I met her at MST training for Youth Villages) and her fiance, Justin. Kristy and her new beau, also named Brandon, were there as well. The company was good and the food was delish. The game was alright too...for those who like football ;). I mostly went to socialize because, let's be honest, I hadn't watched the Superbowl since high school. Brandon had fun goading Kristy about her Packers who, of course, won the game. The day was topped off by the return of Glee, which Brandon actually watched with me!

Scarlett's Red Velvet - SOOOO AMAZING!

This weekend will be just as busy, if not more so. Friday, Sam is coming into town and will be spending the night with Brandon and me. Saturday is Jamie's baby shower, which Sam and I are throwing for her at The Twisted Fork. Kristy's birthday party is Saturday night. And on Sunday, Jack and Karen (Brandon's dad and his wife) are visiting and taking us out to dinner. Whew!

Feels Like Home

2011-01-28T23:31:00.003-05:00

It must be a new record for me to actually update less than 3 months since my last entry. :) Seeing as how I'm currently unemployed though, I guess I don't really have an excuse. As of yet, there are few leads on the job front. However, my licensure exam is next Friday (pray for me) and my hopes are high (for better or worse) that more opportunities will come my way after that.

Our first week in Morrisville is coming to a close and it hasn't been terribly eventful. Brandon started his new job on Monday. He's doing flooring estimates as a sub-contractor and seems to like it well enough so far. It's going to keep him on the roads quite a bit (hmm...why does that sound familiar?) but he should be able to set his own schedule and such. He spent this week training and will likely be on his own next week, which I know he's eager to do. While he's been at work, I've been trying to get some studying in. It's been difficult though. Since moving, I've just felt drained. While I've enjoyed my free time, I think I'm someone who just needs a little more structure than I've had since quitting my job. It was easier when Brandon was home with me because he held me accountable for getting things done (studying, working out, running errands, etc.). When he's not here, I'm so tempted to be lazy. Some studying has gotten accomplished but that's about it. Very little unpacking has been done but I'm hoping Brandon and I can take care of some tomorrow.

Our new apartment...complete disaster area at the moment!

The highlight of the week was being able to spend some time with friends. It felt so strange to be seeing my Meredith girls in the middle of the week. On Wednesday, Hillary stopped by and we just chatted for a few hours. It was really nice because, the last couple of times I've seen her, I've felt so rushed. But this time, we were just able to curl up on the couch and talk. She lives about half an hour away from me now, which is the closest we've lived to each other since I graduated from Meredith. I also saw Sara and Molly on Wednesday. We ordered Papa John's and played Twilight Scene It. Yeah, we're dorks. And it was a surprisingly difficult game! You would have to be a hardcore fan to do really well. But it was fun. Today, I drove out to Hillary's new house (sans GPS...I was so proud of myself) and she treated me to a Vietnamese restaurant for lunch. We had a soup that consisted of chicken, vegatables, and noodles...sounds simple but it was really delicious. We also ran into her cousin, Paul, at the restaurant, which was totally random.

So...the best part of moving so far? Being tons closer to the people I've missed for the last 2 1/2 years! :)

The Only Constant is Change

2011-01-18T22:04:00.002-05:00

I've thought about writing for what seems like ages but I guess it just hasn't been very high on my priority list. With that said, things have been quite eventful since my last entry, hence the lack of time to update. But, 3 months or so later, here it is...

November
The highlight of November was, of course, Thanksgiving. Brandon accompanied me to my Aunt Vickie's house in Brevard, NC for the weekend. I was really looking forward to seeing my family as it had been September since I'd seen my parents and even longer since I'd seen everyone else. Living in Wilmington, I've felt a little isolated, with most of my loved ones being so far away (but more about that later). Brandon and I made the LONG trip from Wilmington to Brevard (more than 6 hours when you include eating and bathroom breaks) the night before Thanksgiving. Regardless of how tired we were when we arrived, we stayed up until after 1am catching up with the family. Brandon fit right in with their ridiculousness (ridiculous in a good way). As for me, it felt amazing to be away from work and actually relaxed for the first time in a while. Thanksgiving Day was awesome...with an incredible dinner and going with Brandon and the family to see Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part I (the second viewing for me). The day after Thanksgiving was spent doing a little Black Friday shopping (couldn't resist) and playing board games until the wee hours of the morning - probably my favorite thing about the whole weekend. When the weekend came to an end, I was sad to leave. It would be less than a month before I saw my family again but I knew this Christmas was going to be very different from the ones before. First of all, it would be the first year I didn't have a long Christmas break, meaning I wouldn't be home for nearly as much time as I usually am. Secondly, Brandon and I would be splitting the holiday between both of our families. It had been a great weekend but the ending was bittersweet. After arriving back in Wilmington, Brandon and I picked out our very first Christmas tree - a real one. Getting it into the apartment wasn't nearly as hard (or as humorous) as getting that thing out. We definitely realized why real Christmas trees just aren't meant for apartments...especially 3rd floor apartments. But it was beautiful and enjoyable while it was up and decorated. Thanks to donations from my family, we had plenty of ornaments. It was the perfect beginning to our first Christmas together.

December
December was exciting for a few reasons. First of all, this was the first time Brandon and I would be spending the holidays together and, because of our two families living in different cities, they consisted of much travel. The weekend of Christmas, as well as the ones before and after, were spent on the road between Wilmington, Raleigh, and Pleasant Garden. But despite all the running around, we had a really great Christmas. Christmas Eve was spent with my family - Mom, Dad, Grandma, Trish, Robbie, Tiona, Jayden, Brandon, and me. We did the traditional sorts of things (tradition in our family, anyway)...eating finger foods, listening to Christmas music, playing games, including the Wii, and opening gifts. Christmas Day is a bit of a blur. We spent the morning with my family for breakfast and more gifts (Mom and Dad framed my ECU diploma!), then it was time for goodbyes and we were off to Raleigh to share the remainder of the day with Brandon's family. The second exciting December event was that Brandon's sister, Tiffany, and her husband, Mike, came home from Canada for Christmas. It had been 10 months since Tiffany had been home so it was great to see her. And, apparently, the "Canadians" brought the snow along with them because about 8 inches fell in Raleigh while we were there. It was a perfectly beautiful white Christmas. In North Carolina. Amazing. We ate incredible food, frolicked (yes, frolicked) in the snow, played games, and napped for the rest of the weekend. Sadly, much of the snow had melted off the roads by Monday, and I was able to make it home. I surely could have tolerated another day of vacation.

Which brings me to the third exciting thing that occurred in December...Brandon and I made the decision to move back to Raleigh. Actually, it wasn't a tough decision at all. Brandon's job fell through and, since I already hated mine, there didn't seem to be much of anything keeping us in Wilmington (except, of course, the friends we have in town). In Raleigh, we'll be closer to friends and family and the job opportunities will be more plentiful. Fortunately, we learned that we could transfer our lease, which is saving us A TON of money, and we found a nice apartment complex very similiar to the one we live in now. So, on December 23rd, I put in my 2 week notice. I have to admit...I was nervous. After all, I'd never resigned from a job before. Plus, part of me was still wondering if this was even the right decision. In this terrible economy, I was giving up a job with a good salary and benefits. Was I crazy? Everyone I talked to seemed to support my decision but I was getting cold feet. Regardless, I did it. And I've come to realize, especially after a conversation with my mom, that I did make the right decision. No job, no matter how well it pays, was worth the stress and anxiety I experienced while at Youth Villages. Putting in my notice that day was one of the best things I could do to take care of myself.

January
Brandon and I rang in the New Year at our apartment with good friends - Sam, Andy, Andy, Laura, and Chris. Earlier, he and I had dinner at Bonefish Grill. It was a quiet New Year's Eve but I wouldn't have wanted to spend it any other way. My last day at Youth Villages was January 7th and, honestly, it was bittersweet. I do miss a few of my co-workers. They were good people and I hate that I was only able to get to know some of them professionally, rather than personally. Leaving my families was also more difficult than I had expected it to be, especially those I had spent several months with. But I had to keep reminding myself of why I was leaving.

Since then, my days haven't exactly been boring. The first thing I've been trying to do is take better care of myself. Brandon and I have been using The Biggest Loser video game for the Xbox 360 Kinect and it is kicking my butt! But I've been working out nearly every day and I can definitely tell a difference. I've also been trying to eat better, get more sleep, take vitamins, take care of my skin, and even pamper myself from time to time (well, if you consider getting a haircut "pampering"). I almost feel like a different person since quitting my job...more balanced. My second focus is studying for the MFT Licensure Exam which I'm taking on February 4th (WAY closer than I'd like it to be). It's tough getting back into the groove of studying when you haven't done it in a while. Fortunately, a lot of the information starts coming back to me as I study. If I pass, I'll be considered "provisionally licensed" and that will open up new opportunities to me. Speaking of which, my third focus is looking for a job. I'm going to be much more cautious about which one I take this time. And my fourth focus is, of course, packing. We move this weekend which, to me, seems crazy. Brandon and I had dinner with Sam, Andy, and Andy Sunday night and, as we went our separate ways, I realized how much I'm going to miss them and, also, how much I'm going to miss Wilmington. It will be toughest to leave Sam though. She and I have lived in the same city for nearly 3 years now and not seeing her whenever I want will take some adjusting. All in all, I'm excited about the upcoming changes. It's been an interesting 6 months in Wilmington but I look forward to what our new adventure will bring!

3 Months

2010-10-24T22:10:00.002-04:00

Over three months have passed since my last entry. For 3 months, I've been a resident of Wilmington. For 3 months, I've been a family counselor with Youth Villages. It's just funny where life leads us. Here's the update...

Working at Youth Villages has been one of the most challenging experiences I've ever had. I've encountered lots of things that I certainly didn't see in my grad program. But that's what happens when you're working with troubled teens and their families. In the last 3 months, I've been through the new-hire orientation, attained my prized "Covey" (a FrankinCovey planner that has become my lifeline...Lord only knows what I'd do if I lost it...that thing has EVERYTHING in it - it's a staple at Youth Villages and completely necessary to keep up with our chaos), experienced MST 5-Day training (Live it up! It's MST 5-Day! - sort of our motto for the week), attended my first "booster" training (in Greenville, no less...sure felt weird to be back there), and watched my caseload quickly build. This job has already taught me a ton about what I want...and what I don't want...from a career. It's solidified the lurking feeling that the mental health field isn't a good fit for me. And so, now, I'm kind of floating. While others are trying to move up in the agency, I'm simply existing from day to day, hoping that I'll wake up one morning and suddenly realize what I really want to do with my life. It hasn't happened yet though. And, unfortunately, this job keeps me so busy that I haven't had a lot of time to explore or soul search. It's beginning to look like I'll just have to find the time (perhaps I'll stumble upon some previously undiscovered 25th hour in the day?). Until then, I'll continue floating and simply doing the best I can with what I've got.

Brandon and I are still making it...and we haven't killed each other yet. Living together has been an adjustment though and we've had to make some compromises. We've had our ups and downs but, so far, it's been a pretty successful arrangement. We've made time in our busy schedules (Brandon recently started a new job) to do some fun couple-y stuff too. We went to Texas in September to visit his dad and step-mom (super fun trip) as well as Ashley and Marty's wedding. And we've done some things here in town...Coastal Cupcakes (duh), the Ghost Ship (they turn the USS North Carolina into a haunted attraction for Halloween), and Riverfest. Next weekend, we're planning to celebrate our first Halloween in Wilmington, probably by checking out the downtown scene. In November, Brandon is accompanying me to Brevard, where my family goes every year for Thanksgiving, and we're both really looking forward to is...as is my family. It'll be the first year in a long while that a boyfriend has been with me for Thanksgiving. And for Christmas, we're splitting time between our two families. Working that out was a bit of a struggle because we both have limited time off (the first time I've EVER had so few days off for Christmas...ah, I miss being a college student!). But we figured it out and we're going to (try to) make everyone happy. :)

I recently started attending Port City Community Church and it's been a great experience so far. It's a huge church, which I thought would intimidate me, but I like it. The music is inspirational, the pastor is sincere and funny, and the message is applicable to real life. I've also joined a small group called Step 2 for people who need a little help in their walk with God. This group is really making me stretch because I don't know that much about God or the Bible. I hope to in a few weeks though (it's an 8-week group).

And that's about the gist of it! A lot has happened in the last 3 months but, strangely, it doesn't look like that much on paper. I'm interested to see what the next 3 months will bring!

Movin' On

2010-07-09T22:49:00.003-04:00

Tonight marks one of the last couple nights I'll be spending in Greenville for a while. I figure that the last official night will be the Friday before all my stuff is moved. It's sort of hard to believe. And unfortunately, the night has been a bit lonely. I'm not sure if it's because Sam isn't home or because the majority of my belongings are now in cardboard boxes but...it's too quiet for my taste. Leah stopped by earlier. We shared a pizza and chatted for a bit. I'll definitely miss seeing her as often as I have been.

I'm leaving for Wilmington sometime tomorrow afternoon and I start work on Monday. That's crazy for me to think about. On Monday morning, I'm going to wake up in Wilmington and go to work like it's no big deal. As if I haven't been living in Greenville for the last 2 years. As if I didn't just finish my 500 client contact hours YESTERDAY (!!!). It hasn't really hit me yet, I don't think. I received my schedule for the upcoming week via e-mail. Overall, it doesn't sound so bad. I'll be staying in the office most of the day and probably shadowing a few other therapists with their families. The earliest I have to go in is 9am (which is a bit of a relief because I thought it would be starting at 8:30am...that half hour makes a big difference) and I'll be getting off at 5pm everyday except Friday, when I get off at 4pm. I'm excited to start but also nervous. It's the fear of the unknown...and starting over. I feel like I just became comfortable in Greenville. I know where most things are and how to get there. Now, I'm going to have to familiarize myself with totally new surroundings. It'll probably happen quickly though with all the driving I'll be doing for my job. I'm a little scared too, I have to admit. Not nearly as terrified as I was when I moved to Greenville, however. At least I know people in Wilmington. Looking back on it, I don't know how I survived those first few months here. They were rough. And now, leaving Greenville almost makes me...sad. I'm definitely going to miss some people...Leah, Kasey, Jodi, Rasheeka, Bryan, Jeff, Priti, and my ECU professors. But they give me a reason to come back and visit. It's funny to think about actually wanting to VISIT Greenville. I'm going to miss some places too...Chico's, The Tipsy Teapot (one of the places Brandon and I went on our first date), East Coast Wings (for the cookie skillet, of course), my internship, and even the darn clinic. When I left my internship yesterday, I knew that I wasn't coming back and I suddenly felt very nostalgic for everything that had happened over the last year. I've had some very good days and some very bad days in Greenville. But living here has certainly taught me a lot about what I can endure. I've probably felt my weakest here, but also my strongest. And I've felt stronger here, I think, because I had to BE stronger here. Unfortunately, life doesn't stop just because you're in grad school. I hope that strength stays with me in Wilmington.

I had to say goodbye to my clients this week. Some didn't really seem to care one way or the other (one of my parenting clients in particular...but she's mandated to come so I wasn't offended). It was tough to part ways with, quite possibly, my favorite couple at the clinic. I was glad when they hugged me because I wanted to hug them too. There was also an individual who I've seen for several sessions. She's made SO much progress...it's clients like her who make you feel like you've made a difference. She hugged me too and thanked me for everything I've done, which meant a lot to me because, some days, you wonder if what you do counts for anything with clients. I always thought I'd be happy to hand over my clients because it meant I was finally finished but, surprisingly, I wasn't.

I just wanted to reflect a bit on what I'm feeling tonight. I almost started crying when talking to Kasey yesterday. She asked if I was excited about moving and, suddenly, I started to swell with several different emotions. I held it together though. I think I always feel this way when a big change is on the horizon. And so I'm off to finish up the packing and hopefully get a good night's rest. However, I have a feeling I might have a bit too much on my mind.

With Intensity Comes Change

2010-06-30T22:15:00.005-04:00

It's been nearly a month since I've written and the last few weeks have been a roller coaster ride. Here's an update...

The first week in June, tragedy struck my family. My dad's older brother committed suicide. It was completely unexpected (at least for us) and fairly unexplained. He had been somewhat estranged from most of the family for a while, so none of us knew much about what was going on with him. We still don't know the whole story but, apparently, he had been very depressed for a while. When my mom called to tell me the news, I just couldn't believe it. I was never close to my uncle David but I still never imagined that he would do something like that. I was instantly very concerned about my dad and my grandma, because I knew they would be taking it especially hard. For the rest of that night, I was in complete shock. I talked to my parents several times that night, making sure my mom was going to stay by my dad's side. Needless to say, it was a very rough few days. My parents insisted that I not come home, even for the service, because I was planning to visit the following weekend. It was hard not being physically with my family but I checked on them everyday via phone. It's funny, and a little unfortunate, that it takes something like that to make you realize how much you value your family, and really everyone in your life. Though this incident was definitely a blow to my family, I think it made us stronger and brought us closer together. I was really glad to be going home soon, which leads me to the next part of my update...

The second weekend in June, I went home for the first time since January and I was really excited about seeing my family. My parents had been planning a graduation cookout for me, since several of my family members weren't able to attend graduation, but I was hesitant about having it given everything that had taken place. Even so, my parents were adamant that it go on. They said it would be good for the family. And as it turned out, it really was. Family and friends came together to celebrate my graduation and it meant so much to me to have them all there. Usually, I struggle with who to visit while I'm home, because it's for such a short period of time, so I was happy to have everyone in one place. Despite the previous couple of weeks, we all had a good, light-hearted, fun time. Every once in a while, I would catch my grandma looking off into the distance and I believe she was thinking about David during those times, which is certainly normal, but even she seemed to enjoy herself. My mom put together this amazing table with pictures, mostly from graduation day, my cap and hood, and a few other things. AND my parents ordered a dozen cupcakes for me, which were incredibly tasty. :) It was a great weekend.The table my mom put together for me.

A delicious assortment of cupcakes!

The following weekend, I stayed in Greenville for the first time since before graduation. I had a lot of odds and ends to take care of...like terminating files at the clinic and my internship. I also went through EVERYTHING in my room and got rid of what I haven't used lately and knew I likely wouldn't use in the future. I'm not good at throwing things out, because I tend to be sentimental and hang onto things for that reason, but I ended up with 4 garbage bags completely filled with stuff. It was actually refreshing to "clean out my life", especially with all these changes that are quickly approaching. I donated it all to My Sister's Closet, which is a consignment shop here in Greenville. Their proceeds benefit the Center for Family Violence Prevention, where I've been interning for the last year. It was tough to say goodbye to my things, but nice to do a good deed.

Last weekend was spent in Wilmington. Brandon and I had seen each other once in the past 3 weeks so it was great to spend an entire weekend with him. On Friday, we went to look at the apartment model again. I couldn't remember exactly what it looked like and wanted to refresh my memory so I can start thinking about where we might place furniture and such. It really is a beautiful place. Of course, the model is furnished so that makes it look better, but the place itself is lovely. The model has a fireplace, as opposed to the sunroom we're going to have - which will make the living room so much bigger. We met a new staff member too and she was very nice...we took that to be another good sign. After checking out the apartment, we went to dinner at On the Border and saw The A-Team. It was a great movie...I definitely recommend it. On Saturday, we drove to South Carolina, which was only about an hour away, to get fireworks (since they're illegal in NC - we're rebels) in honor of July 4th. On the way, I texted my mom and told her Brandon and I were going to SC. For some reason, she jumped to the conclusion that we were getting hitched...maybe before her sister ran off to SC to get married? We definitely got a kick out of that. Speaking of my mom, she was saying in Topsail Beach that weekend with my aunt and a friend of hers. Brandon and I went to visit them Saturday night and they cooked us a really great dinner. We sat around for a while, enjoying the conversation with each other and the quiet of the beach. It was much cooler with the ocean breeze. I was happy that Brandon and my mom were able to get to know each other a little better. On Sunday, we were complete bums. We slept in, got lunch, ran a few errands, got caught in a torrential downpour, and took a 3 hour nap. Both of us had some sleep debt from the previous weeks, so I think we were trying to catch up. That night, we watched Pandorum, which was a movie he'd been wanting to see for a while. It wasn't as bad as I imagined but it was definitely a typical "guy movie". I always hate coming back to Greenville after a weekend like this one.

And along those lines...I only have about a week and a half left in Greenville. That is so surreal. What is even harder to believe is that I'm only 9.25 hours away from being completely finished with my Masters degree. I had 99 to go on graduation day. I've come a long way, baby. Today, we said goodbye to the office manager at my internship, Lori. I've grown to love Lori. She's been one of the few people there who really looked out for me and never seemed to mind listening to me vent my frustrations. And she's always had such nice things to say to and about me. I'm really going to miss seeing her. Of course, her leaving made me realize that I'm leaving next week. Next week. I haven't always enjoyed my internship but leaving, like graduating, is bittersweet. And I still can't believe this whole terrible, wonderful, challenging, growth-inspiring, eye-opening (and there are many more adjectives that would certainly apply) Greenville/grad school experience is so quickly coming to an end.

That Much Closer to Becoming a Non-Student Adult

2010-06-07T21:15:00.003-04:00

Things are starting to fall into place! I'll explain...

I went down to Wilmington this weekend with the hopes of finding an apartment with Brandon. When I thought about how little time we had to select a new home, I started getting really stressed out. This weekend was pretty much it because I'm not able to go down there for the next two weekends, then it's already the end of June. Unbelievable. So the pressure was really on. We set out on Saturday afternoon to look at places. Very unlike me, I didn't have a plan. We really had no idea where we wanted to look so we were just sort of driving around. The first place we went to was really nice and in a great location...but WAY out of our price range. A two bedroom/two bathroom apartment was $1195 a month with nothing included (except maybe trash - big deal). We didn't even torture ourselves by looking at one...we knew we couldn't afford that. The next place was on the other end of the spectrum. The price was much better but the location wasn't as great and the apartment itself wasn't impressive. It looked more like something college students would move into and we're definitely trying to get away from that. We later realized that the place didn't even have room for a dining room table, which would have been a problem for us. No wonder it looked small. Fortunately, while at this place, we picked up one of those Apartment Finder books. That turned out to be the best thing we could have done and the 3rd time was the charm. The last place we looked at felt right as soon as we got there. The woman who helped us was SO friendly and helpful (unlike the woman at the 2nd place who acted really suspiciously when we asked if the neighborhood was quiet). She showed us the model apartment and I pretty much fell in love with it. It was such a step up from the other place. This looked like an apartment that would belong to young professionals, not college students. Also, the neighborhood seemed like it would be a nice place to live and we saw some families with kids, which we took to be a good sign. The best part was that it was within our price range. We both left feeling really excited. After we got back to Brandon's place, we sat down and talked about everything, then made out a mock budget to make sure we could afford it. On Sunday, we took our applications back to the complex, paid our application fee and security deposit, and suddenly...we had reserved our very own apartment to be occupied on July 29th! The one we have is on the 3rd floor with two bedrooms, two bathrooms, and a nice little sunroom. We are very excited!The floorplan of our new apartment!

Today, I got a better idea of when I'll be starting my new job with Youth Villages. It looks like it'll be July 12th. That means, of course, that I'll technically be living in Wilmington before we're able to move into our apartment. How that will likely work is that I'll stay where Brandon is currently living for a week. Then, we have a training/orientation in Greensboro for a week. I'll be back at Brandon's for a few days before we can move in. It's going to take some patience and flexibility but I think it'll be worth it.

Aside from apartment shopping, the rest of the weekend was good. Kristy texted me on Saturday evening, asking if I was in Wilmington. Apparently, she was just down the road in Carolina Beach and wanted to hang out. Brooke was planning to meet up with us as well. So, long story short, Kristy, Brooke, Brandon, his roommate Jeremy, and I ended up hanging out until about 2am Sunday morning. It was a really great time. We first went to a place called The Grand Union Pub where we had dinner, drinks, and sat around chatting. The table was pretty segregated for most of the evening...ladies on one side, guys on the other...but no one seemed to mind. It was really glad to see Kristy and Brooke and be able to catch up with them. I didn't realize how much I'd been missing my cohort. I was especially impressed that Brooke came out - and I told her so - because she never hung out with us much while we were in school. I'm hoping this is the start of a new trend. Brooke will be moving to Wilmington in July as well (it's actually where she's from) and I would love to hang out with her more in the future. I'm glad Brandon was able to meet her as well. He wants to make sure I have some friends in Wilmington since he already has a few through work and such. Our next destination was called Fibbers which is essentially a pool hall but no one played pool...we just talked and joked around a bit more. Brooke took us all back to Brandon and Jeremy's place and I was really pleased to hear that she was listening to the cohort CD I made. :)

And that's the update for now!

Turning the Page

2010-06-01T23:40:00.005-04:00

Despite no longer having classes, my days aren't nearly as free as I thought they would be. I still find myself scheduling out every day, having to squeeze things in here and there, including the things I want to do (those things I thought I'd have SO much time to do once school was over). There's so much I want to do...scrapbook, read (for fun!), go to the gym or do Wii fit, go to the pool, blog, catch up on TV and movies I've missed over the last several months, etc...but there still aren't enough hours in the day. Sometimes I start thinking, "Well, if you'd only finished your hours on time, you'd have the chance to do all those things right now." but that only brings me down and I'm trying to focus on the positive. I told someone tonight that I'm over feeling bad about not finishing my hours by graduation and I hope that's true. I just need to bite the bullet and get it done. 59.5 to go. Some people are shocked when I tell them that number but I'm not ashamed of it anymore...I've worked my butt off since January to even be there. It'll happen - I'm convinced of that. I've started going to team again. I thought it would be strange to be there with the new 2nd year cohort (though I still call them the 1st years in my head and in most conversations), it really isn't that bad. While they could never replace my cohort, I enjoy being around them for the most part. At least the banter is entertaining. And it's nice to spend a little more time with the supervisors before I leave Greenville.

Speaking of which...I got a job! Well, it's not official yet but it's in the works. I've been given a "contingent" offer, meaning I have to pass the drug test and background check, plus they have to speak with my references. I don't think any of those will pose a problem. I'll be working for an agency called Youth Villages that specializes in in-home therapy with families who have an adolescent/teenager who is at risk of being place outside the home due to behavioral issues. Yes, I know this will be a challenge. Kristy and Jodi are already working for this same agency (Kristy in Durham, Jodi in Greenville) and Sam was offered a position today. I haven't spoken to Kristy about it but Jodi seems to be enjoying her job thus far. I'll be starting in July, though I haven't found out the official date yet. There will be a week-long training, then I begin receiving families (at least, that's my impression). Last week was an interesting one for me. I interviewed for the job on May 20th and was told I'd find out by the following Monday or Tuesday whether I got the job. Well, Monday and Tuesday came and went. Every time my phone made a noise, I jumped. It was completely nerve-wracking. When I still hadn't heard by Wednesday, not only was I getting rather irritated (I hate being told someone is going to contact me and then they don't...mostly, I just hate waiting by the phone), I also was beginning to think I hadn't gotten the job. This concerned me because none of the other places I'd applied to had shown any interest. Finally, on Thursday morning, I got the call. It was SUCH a relief. Of course, with it also came some nerves. First of all, since second semester of my first year of grad school, I've been unsure if therapy was even what I wanted to do with my life. And yet, here I am, about to dive into a therapy job. Secondly, as I said before, this is a very challenging position. It's really going to make me stretch, pull me out of my comfort zone. This is both a good and bad thing. I don't usually do very well with change but there are lots of things I need to work on that I think this job will help me with, such as being more assertive. So, it's safe to say that I am both nervous and excited about working for Youth Villages.The second part of that story is that the particular office I've been hired with is in Wilmington...meaning Brandon and I have decided to live together. It's a big step but we've done a lot of talking about it and will continue to do more. This weekend, I'm heading down to Wilmington and we're going apartment shopping. We're also planning to set up a budget based on each of our expected salaries. We've each lived with significant others in the past and I think we've both grown a lot since then. We have a clearer picture of what we do and do not want. I know I've changed so much since Ben and I lived together 2 years ago...mostly thanks to grad school. And I'm hoping this will be a MUCH better experience for both of us. All in all, I'm looking forward to starting this new chapter of my life. :)

This past weekend was Memorial Day weekend. Molly and I went down to Carolina Beach to visit Jason and Kenny - a trip we'd been planning for a couple months or so. It's always really nice to get away and this weekend was no exception. I arrived Friday evening and Molly had already been there for a couple hours. It was a laid back night. We ended up playing a game with the four of us, plus the boys' two new roommates and one of the roommate's lady friends (they were exes, I believe). I was surprised at how well we all carried on with one another...but mostly surprised at myself. Sometimes, I'm so shy around new people. Other times, I can interact with them as though I've known them for years. I guess it just depends on the company...and it usually helps when I have someone like Molly there as a safe base. So it was a fun night. Before bed, Jason's younger brother, Michael, and his girlfriend, Janice, showed up. Their trip was last minute and Molly and I didn't find out until we got to the beach that they were coming. I felt a little awkward once they got there. It was the first time I'd seen Michael and Janice since James and I broke up. I wasn't sure if they'd have any hard feelings toward me for being the one who ended it. They didn't seem to though. In fact, I really didn't see them much at all throughout the weekend. Not that I have anything against those two but, I was actually kind of glad that was the case. I didn't really think they would but part of me was a little worried they would ask why James and I broke up. And I really didn't want to have to explain that.Numa - We don't claim him in public ;)

On Saturday, Molly, Kenny, and I grabbed some lunch and took it down to the beach. The sun wasn't out much but it felt great outside. We sat there for a while, just talking and relaxing. I didn't realize it until later but I got a little burnt. Those clouds can be deceiving. Afterward, the three of us went to see Iron Man 2. It was the second time I'd seen it so, while still good, it wasn't nearly as exciting as the first time. I even dozed off once or twice. When the movie was over, we were all getting hungry so we swung back by the house to see if Jason or anyone else was interested in having dinner with us. It was a little disappointing when Jason said no. He hadn't hung out with us all day and, after all, Molly and I had come to visit him as well. But alas, it ended up just being the three of us again for dinner at Mama Mia's, which was very good. We hung out at the house for a bit before heading downtown. Again, we were in two groups. Jason, Michael, and Janice left first, then Molly, Kenny, and I - even though we were heading to the same place. Our first stop was the Fat Pelican, which is a favorite of Jason and Kenny's. It's a very interesting little bar with lots of character. There, one of Jason and Kenny's friends from high school, John, joined us. Before too long, Jason, Michael, and Janice were on to the next destination, The Seawitch, to hear a band play, and we followed along soon after. To be honest, the band wasn't too entertaining so I wasn't sad when they finished up at midnight. The other group decided to head home early (they were going fishing the next morning) but Molly, Kenny, John, and I moved on to The Silver Dollar, a bar famous for its karaoke. Of course, it being Memorial Day weekend, the place was completely packed. I even witnessed my first ever bar fight. After the fight was broken up, we decided to pick another place and ended up at The Dive. This was a bar as well but, unlike the others, had dancing, which especially interested Molly. I didn't plan to dance but she ended up convincing me anyway. Of course, it wasn't long before guys were trying to dance with us. That was fine for Molly but it wasn't something a girl with a boyfriend should be doing. It just really irritated me that I couldn't just dance, by myself or with my friend, without guys trying to bump and grind with me. Sometimes, I just want to dance! I need to start wearing a sign that instructs me to leave me alone. Most of the guys who gave it a shot were so drunk that they didn't even care when I told them I had a boyfriend. Ridiculous. Eventually, I just gave up trying to dance at all. Molly had a good time though. That night, Molly went to bed but I stayed up talking to John and Kenny. I think I was too wound up from the night so I couldn't sleep. It was definitely entertaining to talk to those two Denton boys though.Kenny, me, Molly, and John - at The Dive.

Sunday morning got off to an interesting start. I was woken up by Jason. My initial thought was, "Why is he in here?". But then he started telling me a story and before he even got to the end, I could tell where it was going. Apparently, they found a drunk man passed out in the passenger seat of my car that morning. My only guess is that, when I got something out of my car Saturday night, I hadn't locked it back. That would be my luck, right? I gave Jason my keys and asked him to check if the GPS was still there (thank God it was...it's Brandon's). So the guy was harmless, I suppose, and just needed somewhere to sleep. But seriously? To be so drunk that you'll sleep in some stranger's car (but still have enough sense to lean the seat back)? Double ridiculous. Of course, I felt like an idiot for not having my doors locked. I'm so lucky nothing was harmed or missing. A little later (this whole incident took place way too early), I left for Wilmington to visit Brandon. He and I headed back to the beach and, this time, the weather was much better. We had to park miles away because it was so crowded but it could have been worse. Though we weren't out there for long, we both got sunburned - me more so than him. But it was fun. I was exhausted by the time we got back, from the sun and being up so late the night before, so I napped for a bit. Then, he grilled some burgers for dinner and we watched a movie before bed. He always cooks for me when I'm at his place. :)

And that was my weekend. The weekends have been crazy since graduation, and will continue to be for a couple more. But it's great...especially spending time with people I love. :)

Weekend Update...Like SNL

2010-05-23T20:13:00.004-04:00

It's been a great weekend and I'm a little sad that it's almost over. Actually, my weekends have drastically improved since graduation. Even though I'm still really busy during the week, how wonderful it is to not have papers, exams, or other assignments to worry about Friday through Sunday. I feel like I have a life again.

It really started on Thursday... Brandon came to see me. I'd decided I was going to cook dinner for him because, the last couple times I've been at his place, he's not only cooked dinner but also breakfast. I chose spaghetti because, let's be honest, that's one of the few dishes I know how to make (I hope to improve my cooking skills now that I have a little more time). Dinner turned out well but, what was even better is that Brandon volunteered to do the dishes. Yes, I know, not a huge deal but it really said something to me. I was impressed. I'm not used to that kind of treatment. I haven't had it in a while. Plus...Brandon and I are actually thinking about moving in together. And seeing that the domestic responsibilities would likely be 50/50 makes me feel even better about the decision.

On Friday, I met up with Dr. O'Dekirk for lunch. This was the first time I'd seen him since February so I was very excited about it. We went to a place called Zoe's Kitchen where I'd never been before. My sandwich was super messy but delicious. I love talking with Odie because he's so encouraging and supportive...not to mention interested in everything that's been going on with me. He wanted to hear about Brandon, graduation, friends, job prospects... I usually end up talking so much about my life that I forget to ask about his...something I end up feeling guilty about but he doesn't even seem to mind. He mentioned that things haven't been going well at Meredith, due to budget cuts and such. Women's Studies was cut a while back (at a women's college...ironic). Now, Psychology is merging with Social Work and possibly Sociology. Religion has been combined with several other departments. Faculty and staff positions are getting cut now. It really broke my heart to hear that I place I love so dearly is falling apart over something like money. It actually makes me glad that I graduated when I did and didn't have to witness what's happening these days. I'm even sort of relieved that I didn't get the RD position this year like I was hoping. Maybe, if another position like that opens up in the future, the state of the college will be better.

After lunch, I met up with Kenny at the mall. I first met Kenny through the Fine family. He's Jason's roommate at Carolina Beach. I didn't interact with him much while James and I were dating but we've been in touch since Molly and I spend the weekend down there in March. We hung out at the mall for a bit while waiting for Molly to get there. He even bought me a cookie and a Coke. When she arrived, the three of us went back to her apartment where we would hang out until dinner. It was fun to have Kenny there and he seemed comfortable. He even let Molly straighten his hair (actually, I think he asked her to do it), which was amusing to watch. Dinner that night was at Carrabba's. They don't take reservations so we called ahead about an hour before we were set to arrive. Nevertheless, we ended up waiting about an hour and a half to be seated. It wasn't so bad though. The company was good, we had time to take pictures and for Molly to open her gifts, and they brought out free appetizers since our wait was so long. And the food was worth the wait...as was the champagne Sara recommended that I try. Everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves. After dinner, all 11 of us went back to Molly's apartment for some incredible cookie cake and chatting. Then, a few of us went to Bogart's downtown for dancing. I actually wasn't thrilled at the idea of going dancing. I've noticed that I feel pretty out of place at the club. I don't know if it's because I'm getting older or because, when I used to really like it, I was going through some sort of phase. Either way, I was glad when we didn't stay too long (not to mention the fact that my new shoes were KILLING my feet). Don't get me wrong, I love to dance but I think it's the atmosphere of the club. When we were at Molly's apartment, Sara suggested that we turn on some music and dance there...I was secretly hoping that would be the chosen option. But Molly was the birthday girl and it was important to do what she wanted to do. Overall, I thought the night went splendidly.

The whole group at Carrabba's.

A few of the ladies at Bogart's.

Saturday, Molly, Leah, and I met up with Sam at none other than The Cupcake Shoppe. That is my happy place. I had the flavor of the week which was chocolate raspberry and it was incredible. Leah and Sam had never been there before so I was excited to introduce them to one of my favorite places in Raleigh. Afterward, the four of us went to the mall. Sam, Leah, and I are deprived of a good mall in Greenville so we had to take advantage of the opportunity. I went in Lush for the first time, which Sara had told me about. They were playing the Glee soundtrack! I didn't end up buying anything but they had gained my respect. Eventually, it was time to go our separate ways. Molly and Leah went back to Molly's place while Sam and I took off for Southpoint for a little more shopping. Sam was on a mission to find what she calls "the monkey skirt" at Anthropology. She didn't end up getting it but I hadn't been out there in a long time and the change of scenery was nice. Sam and I had dinner at PF Changs (another first for Sam) with Jamie, which was great. We stayed at the restaurant for almost 2 and a half hours, just chatting. We hadn't seen Jamie since graduation, which feels like forever when you're used to seeing each other nearly every day. We caught each other up on our lives. Right now, we're all in the same boat...just looking for a decent job. I was relieved to see that, even though we're not in school anymore, the three of us still had a ton to talk about. I was afraid that my cohort and I would no longer have anything in common and would drift apart. I don't think I need to worry about that with Sam or Jamie. We drove back to Greenville last night and I was really wishing I had someone with me because the weather was terrible. It was dark, raining, and foggy. I'm pretty sure I went about 15 MPH under the speed limit for most of the trip because I was so nervous. People were whizzing past me, which I just couldn't understand. I was praying the whole way and, thank God, we made it back safely.

I'm a bit sad that I wasn't able to see Brandon this weekend (his friends came down to Wilmington to visit him) but I'm really grateful that I had the chance to spend some time with my ladies. Here's to more fun-filled weekends to come!

MASTER'S Degree Does Have a Nice Ring To It...

2010-05-18T22:08:00.007-04:00

I finally have a moment to update my blog! I need to get better at this because writing these tremendously long entries gets exhausting. Well, there's really no way to recap the last 3 months as they've been crazy but I'll touch on the most important moments.

First of all, I started dating someone. He's actually someone I've sort of known for a few years now and he expressed some interest in me about a year ago but, at the time, I was dating James. His name is Brandon and he's the older brother of my friend, Tiffany. Here's the story... Last March, Tiffany got married. It was a small ceremony with just family and the couple's closest friends. In May, Tiffany and Mike had a reception to celebrate with the rest of their friends who weren't able to attend the wedding. Of course, I was there and so was Brandon. I had a "date" that night but it wasn't James (well, it was a James but not the one I was currently in a relationship with). We had a nice dinner and then went back to Tiffany's parents' house to mingle. That's where I met Brandon (it was actually the 2nd or 3rd time we'd met but probably the first time we had a real conversation). He and I started talking but he was apparently under the impression that my date was my boyfriend. Nevertheless, he asked Tiffany if she thought I would be interested in dinner. Too bad I was taken. So I didn't hear or speak of Brandon until February. After James and I broke up, I was on the verge of falling asleep one night when the thought of Brandon popped into my mind. I figured he was probably dating someone at that point...after all, it had been nearly a year. But I decided to contact Tiffany anyway, just in case. As it turned out, she thought he was seeing someone. Oh well, I thought, it just wasn't meant to be. Fast forward a couple weeks later. Tiffany came home for a visit from Canada where she and her husband are now living. I'm having dinner with her and a few other Meredith girls when she brings up Brandon. Apparently, he is not only single but interested. Suddenly, I was quite giddy. At the end of the night (after a few too many adult beverages and certainly after a few too many comments about how cute Brandon is), I scribbled my number on a piece of paper for Tiffany to give to her brother. Two days later, we had a date. To make an already long story a little shorter...the date went VERY well and after several more that went very well, we decided to make it "official" (Facebook official, in fact). And there it is. Brandon has been really great for me so far. He helped me get through the last really tough months of grad school and never stopped encouraging or supporting me when I was ready to give up. Even now, I know that I can call him after a bad day and he'll make me feel better. He's always pushing me to think more positively, which is exactly what I need. He was completely cool about meeting all my friends and family (which he was pretty much forced to do during graduation weekend). He's attentive and considerate which, let's be honest, I'm not really used to. He was a pleasant surprise. :)

Brandon and me.

Secondly, I turned 24. That seems kind of strange to me. 24. Next is 25. Quarter-life crisis? I hope not. I don't know where I expected to be at 24 but it seems like just yesterday that I was turning 21...a junior at Meredith. Wow...how things have changed since then. My birthday was good. My friends and I had dinner at CPWs, a restaurant in Greenville I've been wanting to check out since I moved here but never had the opportunity. The service wasn't great and it was a little more pricey than I'd expected but the food was good and I think everyone enjoyed it. Ashley and Marty came in from Siler City, which was nice and unexpected. After dinner, most of us came back to mine and Sam's place for games, gifts, and drinks. It was low-key and relaxed. Brandon fit right in with my friends and Sara was finally able to meet some of my cohort. And not to be materialistic but...my gifts were amazing. My friends know that 3 things in this world make me very happy...cupcakes, scrapbooking, and feminism. God bless 'em.

Third, I graduated. Wait...what was that? I FREAKIN' GRADUATED FROM GRAD SCHOOL!!! It still doesn't feel real that I'm the holder of a Master's degree. Granted, I'm still trying to finish up my hours...more about that in a minute though. Graduation weekend is a bit of a blur. Friday night, we had our cohort graduation party at Winslow's Tavern in downtown Greenville. I'd never been there before so I was excited to check it out. Everyone brought their families to the party and, probably for the first time since we started school, everyone in the cohort was in attendance. Mom, Dad, Molly, and Brandon joined me for dinner. It was a really good time, actually. I was glad to finally introduce my parents to all the people I've been talking about for the last two years. And my friends could finally see where I came from. I was especially excited about giving out the gifts I made for everyone...a CD which included a song for each person as well as several "cohort" songs. That night, Molly, Brandon, and Sam's friend, Josh, stayed at our apartment. Like a bunch of old folks, we turned in early...just to rise early the next morning. Graduation day was completely chaotic. To start, everyone was trying to get ready at the same time, Sam realized there were holes in her graduation dress, she couldn't find the ingredients to make some dips for her party later, my shoes were already killing my feet, and my bra was showing...what a way to begin the day! The graduation ceremony itself was long and, as it was happening, it wasn't really sinking in. When I walked across the stage, I was so focused on not falling, stepping out of my shoes, or letting my cap fall off that I barely remember doing it. After being "hooded", I walked by all the faculty on the way back to my seat and hugged all the MFT professors, along with a few CDFR professors like Priti, Dr. Sira, and Dr. T. Poor Damon was crying...we were his first graduating class. I'm quite surprised that I didn't cry. After such a long and trying journey, I thought I would be emotional upon it coming to an end. But I wasn't. Honestly, I think my favorite part of the whole ceremony was finding my family, Molly, and Brandon amongst the crowd, waving at them, and seeing the proud looks on their faces.

Molly, me, and Brandon after the ceremony.

After graduation, it was time to head to the clinic for a group picture, as is tradition. I was already beginning to get stressed out. Graduation ran over time, traffic was awful, and I could see that we weren't going to make our 12:00 lunch reservation. And did I mention it was HOT? Fortunately, we finally made it to the clinic and were able to push lunch back a bit. Many, MANY pictures later, we were headed to Chico's for lunch, where we met up with Leah. I'm glad she was able to meet my family and they were able to meet her. She's been a big part of my life over the last year. Lunch went well...even Dad and Grandma didn't complain too much about the food...and I had a large celebratory strawberry margarita, which was delicious and served to calm my nerves. :)

The survivors of the MFT program...and our faculty.

When lunch was over, it was time for Trish, Robbie, Grandma, and Brandon to head out. Mom and Dad accompanied me to Garner where Jamie's family was throwing her a graduation party. Some of my cohort was there as well. We didn't stay too long because, at that point, we were exhausted, but the festivities included food, cake, and a pinata...always a recipe for fun. Mom and Dad dropped me off at Meredith, where I'd be staying with Molly for the night, and went home. Sitting in my car, waiting for Molly to return, I made the mistake of listening to the CD I made for my cohort. I was barely through Sam's song when I started crying. My exhaustion coupled with the epicness of the day...I just couldn't take it. I began reflecting on the last two years and just felt really sad...probably for the first time...that they were over. It was my cohort I was mostly thinking about. I'm truly going to miss seeing these people. One day, you're together for 12 out of 24 hours and the next, you're not seeing each other at all. It's just weird.

Jamie, Jodi, Bryan, Kristy, and me at Jamie's party.

And so, that's pretty much where I am now. Graduated but still finishing my hours and searching for a job, like probably half the country. My hours are coming along slowly...I'm in the final stretch and, some days, I feel like I'm never going to finish but, as Brandon tells me, I can't give up because I WILL make it eventually. And some SERIOUS celebrating will be in order when that happens. Until then, I'm just trying to enjoy the additional free time I have since I'm no longer in class. I've started a new scrapbook spanning the last two years and I'm VERY excited about that. I love having a project to work on. I also have more time to visit Brandon, who is now living in Wilmington. And I can do things on the weekends without feeling guilty or rushing back to Greenville because I have a ton of work to do.

With grad school finished, I'm wondering what the next chapter of my life will hold. I'm both nervous and excited to find out.

They say that all's fair in love and war...except there's absolutely nothing fair about either.

2010-02-14T21:31:00.006-05:00

In my last entry, I promised that another update would be soon to follow...but it's been 2 weeks. My apologies. It is simply a testament to how things have been this semester and how they will continue to be. And honestly, I have to be in the mood to write. Sometimes, I just don't feel like dealing with all the emotions that are stirred up when I write. I don't divulge everything here but, even so, it's usually just easier to avoid it altogether. Everything has been sort of nuts so I'll just touch on the most important things from the last 2 weeks, starting with this weekend.

It seems just crazy to me that today is Valentine's Day. Where in the world is 2010 going? Has time always gone by this quickly? I've been told that time passes more quickly the older you get and I'm really beginning to believe it. After James and I broke up, I certainly wasn't looking forward to this day. It was to be the second Valentine's Day in a row for which I would be alone. I realize that some people don't care about the holiday or don't even believe it's a holiday at all...that it was just created to make money for card, flower, and candy companies. That's likely very true but, nothing draws more attention to your singleness than being alone on Valentine's Day. And when you're recently single, it's that much worse. However, this weekend has gone really well and it's hardly even bothered me that I didn't have some romantic date planned. Yesterday afternoon, Molly came into town. We've been planning for a while to spend this holiday weekend together, seeing as how neither of us had official Valentine's. She surprised me with quite possibly the best surprise ever. She specially ordered mini cupcakes, in red velvet (my favorite) and vanilla (her favorite) from The Cupcake Shoppe in Raleigh. On the top of each was a letter and they spelled out "Happy V-Day to my BFF". I was really...touched. It just seems like I'm always the one coming up with things like that to do for other people. How nice it was to have someone think of doing something nice for me. I told Molly yesterday that she and I probably have the most reciprocal relationship I've had with anyone - friend or boyfriend. In the majority of my relationships and friendships, I give way more than I get. Not that I give with the expectation of getting something in return but I like to know that someone thinks of me, wants to do something special for me just because I'm special to them. My amazing Valentine's Day cupcakes from Molly.

Last night, Sam, Molly, Leah, and I had dinner at Chico's, one of our favorite spots in town. Afterward, we met up with Jodi and saw Valentine's Day. It didn't phase me that the theater was filled with mostly couples. I was just glad to be seeing a sweet, feel-good movie with my girls. What better way to spend Valentine's Day? The movie actually was better than I expected. Sam and Jodi weren't crazy about it because it's not their kind of movie but I think the rest of us enjoyed it. Movies like that make me feel hopeful that there is someone out there for me. There's a song too, "Haven't Met You Yet" by Michael Buble that makes me feel that way as well. I'm hanging onto those things. It would be easy to just give up and tell myself that I'll never find "the one" (if there is such a thing and I hope there is).The ladies at Chico's.

Today, Sam, Molly, and I went to church. I wanted to introduce Molly to Discovery because it's another one of those things that makes me feel hopeful. I don't think she was crazy about it as church isn't exactly her thing but, as my best friend, I needed her to see that part of me. Being a Christian is something that I've never really embraced until now, mostly because I didn't grow up attending church as most kids did. I wish I would have because now I feel like I'm playing catch up. As much as I enjoy going to church, I've let fear of being ignorant stop me from getting more involved. I worry that I'll embarrass myself by how little I know of God and the Bible. It's something I'll have to work on and be ready for. I would also like to be baptized because I never have been and I could certainly stand to be forgiven for A LOT of things. But again, I guess that's something I'm not quite ready for. Today was part 2 of a series called "Where Are You" about actually hearing what God has to say to you. Jason (our pastor) said today that, when those little ideas pop into your head and you're not exactly sure where they came from, that's God. This struck me because that happens all the time! And usually, it's not the most appealing thing that the voice is telling me to do. By appealing, I mean comfortable...and it usually involves reaching out to other people or doing something I may not want to do but know is right. It never even crossed my mind that that could be God speaking. I'm going to try harder from now on to not only listen, but to do what God is telling me to do. For me though, I think the hardest thing is just listening. I get so wrapped up in being busy that I don't allow myself to just stop and listen.

After church, Molly and I dined at IHOP (Sam was doing pre-marital therapy and couldn't join us) and it satisfied, as always. Then we went to the mall which didn't satisfy, as always (I just really don't like the Greenville mall). Upon returning home, we both took a nap. There's something really great about a Sunday afternoon nap. I used to take them quite often but, nowadays, my Sundays tend to be so busy that I feel guilty for falling asleep. Molly being here, though, seemed like a good excuse to nap instead of getting schoolwork done. We were both hungry after waking and grabbed some dinner at McAlister's before she left for Raleigh. It's always sad to see her go but we realized today that we'll be seeing each other for, at least, the next 3 weekends. That made parting a little bit easier. When I was complaining about Greenville earlier (as I do often) she brought to my attention that I could be in Maryland or New York (where I also applied to grad programs). That was a good point. I really would be miserable then (maybe...probably).

Speaking of school and whatnot...things have been going pretty well so far this semester. Right now, my main focus is accumulating the hours that I've been lacking since we started doing therapy. I've even joined the other two teams so that I can pick up more client contact hours (and gain experience, of course). I thought I would hate it but it's actually been sort of enjoyable having all three supervisors instead of just one and being able to see all of my classmates work instead of just the 2 who are on my team. It does take up a lot of time though - my Monday and Thursday nights are dedicated to team in addition to Wednesday afternoon for my own team. I've also started seeing two separate families for in-home therapy, one with Jamie and one with Marina. I really like doing co-therapy with Jamie because I feel like she and I are on the same page most of the time. And our family is very cool so that helps. I've just been trying to grab hours wherever I can and it's running me ragged. I have to keep my eye on the prize though...May 7th...GRADUATION. Hallelujah.

As for life in general... I'm trying to really work on myself. What I mean by that is learning who I am and accepting what I find. That has been my biggest obstacle in life, I think. Loving myself unconditionally. And that's what I'm working toward now. I bought these 3 books on self-esteem and I have high hopes for them. My task now is just finding the time to read them thoroughly. I know that I'm my worst critique and much harder on myself than I am on anyone else. I'm not sure where that comes from but it permeates every aspect of my life. I am literally my own worst enemy, the biggest block to my getting what I want. So now, I want to move toward changing that. Breaking up with James helped me to realize that I've already changed in some ways. Someone pointed out to me that, a year ago, I would have taken so much more before ending the relationship. And that's true. Somewhere along the way, I've gained self-respect and a knowledge that I deserve more than what I was getting. I know that, right now, I need to be alone. As in, I don't need to be in a relationship. I have a million other things to focus on, too many other things that would be taking my attention away from being with someone. There's school, of course. And, the other night, I realized just how concerned about James I still am and, as much as I want to, I can't just turn that off because we're no longer together. He's still in Afghanistan. He's still in danger. And I won't be able to breathe easily until he's home - hopefully in July. Until then, it just wouldn't be fair to date someone else. How can I date a person while I'm still so worried about my ex-boyfriend? In addition, I have a lot to figure out about myself before I can commit to another relationship. That needs to be my mission right now. The only problem is that I can't stop myself from looking for "the one". Every time I meet a new guy or even so much as see someone I could possibly be interested in, I find myself thinking...is this him? Of course not. I just have to trust that he's out there somewhere, wondering where I am too and that, someday, we'll find each other.

Changes

2010-01-31T00:24:00.003-05:00

Where to even begin!?

Let's reminisce about Christmas for a moment. Going home these last few times has been an interesting experience, especially since both of my parents are still unemployed. In fact, it's quite depressing. I've been praying for a good while now that something will come along for them but it hasn't yet. It's hard to see your parents so down and out. Christmas is even more tough because, unfortunately, it's turned into a holiday of such excessive spending. And despite what I told them, my parents still went overboard with me. I wish they didn't feel they needed to do that. Christmas Eve was a good time. Sam was supposed to visit (since she wasn't able to fly home to Iowa) but she ended up coming down with something and couldn't make the trip. I was sad that she would be spending Christmas sick and alone in Greenville but there wasn't much I could do. Trish, Robbie, and the kids came down, bringing their new Chihuahua puppy, Fancy. If only Rubie could have made it, they might have been the best of friends. Grandma was there too, of course. We ate dinner, opened gifts, and played Wii. I was having such a good time that I momentarily forgot about everything that was on my mind. James had recently told me that guys were having a difficult time getting flights when trying to go home on leave. Of course, this terrified me and my mind instantly went to the worst case scenario. I pictured him being delayed so long that I had to be back in Greenville before he finally made it home. So that fear had been weighing heavily on me. In fact, on Christmas Day, it was all I could think about. I'm ashamed to say that I was quite the Scrooge. It didn't help that it was pouring rain. All I felt like doing was lying about and any bit of Christmas cheer was wasted on me. Very unlike me, I was happy when the day was over. Then, I didn't feel guilty about being in such a bad mood.

Fast forward a few days later... My mom's side of the family was over. That evening, James called me on Skype and, thanks to borrowing my mom's computer speakers, I heard the call even though I was in another room. It's a good thing too because he ended up asking me if I'd pick him up at the airport when he arrived on January 29th. I was THRILLED. This was way earlier than I'd expected to see him. Not to mention the fact that, a couple months ago, he wasn't keen on the idea of anyone picking him up at the airport. Now, he not only wanted me there, he wanted to stay in Raleigh that night, just the two of us. I was on a cloud for the rest of the evening.

For the next two days, I was a ball of nerves. Excitement too, of course. All these scenarios kept running through my head about how it would be when I first saw him. And as it turns out, I didn't have to pick him up at the airport at all. That Sneaky Pete took an earlier flight and was at a hotel in Raleigh (the Clarion, at which we have much history) before I'd even left my house. When he called to tell me, I flew out of there like a bat out of Hell. It took all I had not to speed the entire way. And when I saw him...it felt like I'd just seen him yesterday. He stepped off the elevator in a white t-shirt and shorts, the only clothes he had aside from his uniform (too bad it was freezing), and it was as though the last 5 months didn't even happen. I squealed and ran at him...how nice it was to kiss him again and feel my arms around him. It just didn't seem real. The whole night was like that. I just kept looking at him because I couldn't believe he was actually there. We both agreed that the time he'd been gone was a blur. It was a very special night...I wish we could have just stayed in that moment. Because after that night, everything began to change.

The next day, we left Raleigh for Denton, where his parents live. That's where we'd be staying for the following 2 weeks. A lot took place during those 2 weeks and it just isn't feasible for me to record everything here (or I'd be typing forever). So, for the highlights... I did some things I never thought I'd do...like shoot a rifle AND a pistol, throw a tomahawk, and go squirrel hunting (though we didn't actually see any). I was pretty much one of the boys for 2 weeks, spending lots of time with James and his two brothers, Michael and Jason. I also got to know his parents much better and realized how amazing they both are. Unfortunately, things weren't going so well between James and I. For the sake of his privacy, I won't go into much detail here but I'll suffice it to say that he had changed a lot over those 5 months. It's funny because, that first night he was home, I was relieved that he was just the same old James. But that was just because the changes hadn't had a chance to reveal themselves. Practically living with him for 2 weeks, however, allowed plenty of time for me to see them.

To make a very long story short, James and I broke up a few days after he returned to Afghanistan. It was a decision I struggled with day and night until I was confident enough to take action. I weighed the pros and cons, I talked and talked and talked with friends...but part of me thinks all that wasn't even necessary because my gut knew what needed to happen. I haven't been the one to end many relationships and this one was especially complicated. There's a lot involved when your significant other is in Afghanistan, even after you do break up. Regardless of what happened between James and I, I loved him (intensely) for 9 months. That doesn't just stop. And, unfortunately, neither does the worrying. Even though he and I haven't talked much during the times he's been online since the break up, it still soothes me to see him on because I know he's safe. I still care about him very much and I wish things could have turned out differently. He's a good man...in a bad situation.

And that should bring you up to speed...at least in the realm of my romantic life. I'll be writing again shortly about school issues, my general take on life at the moment, and the like. ;-)

Things That Matter

2009-11-20T23:01:00.002-05:00

I'm not very good at living in the moment. This is something I didn't notice about myself until it was pointed out to me and now, it's very apparent. No matter where I am or what I'm doing, my mind is always somewhere else. Usually, it's in Afghanistan...but not always. Sometimes, while I'm doing one thing, I'm thinking about what I need to do next, where I need to go, when I need to be there. This has been one of my obstacles regarding clients. I have the hardest time being present in the room and really focusing on what they have to say. I do an alright job at first, until someone says something that triggers a thought and away I go. Is this typical of all grad students, students in this program, or just something I'm struggling with personally? I haven't really talked to anyone else about my situation so I can't answer that question. I think one problem is that we all have 10 things that need to be done and are high priority at any given time of the day. I was once very good about writing things down...now, by the time I get the pen and paper, I've already forgotten what I was going to write. This, of course, makes me feel even more out of control because I'm constantly remembering things (at the last minute) that need to be done but there's not enough time in which to do them. I think back to the good 'ole days, when I was prepared and organized. Ha. Those days are gone...at least until May 2010. I've gone on a tangent. My point was that I don't live in the moment. I think about the past and the future...what happened yesterday and what will happen tomorrow. It really isn't a healthy way to live - that's something I've learned. I've probably missed a lot of good moments because I didn't allow myself to enjoy them. I'm always worried that, instead, I'm missing something somewhere else. It's as if, no matter where I am, I'm ready to leave...literally sitting on the edge of my chair, ready to flee at the first opportunity. I'm not sure how this came about. Maybe it's my hectic schedule and I'm always worried about being late to my next appointment. Maybe it started when James left...I'm usually concerned about missing a communication opportunity with him. But that makes sense, right? It's not as if I can just call him up when I'm finished with whatever I'm doing. I think the reasons for my wandering mind are legitimate but that doesn't change the fact that living the way I do isn't beneficial. How do I change this though? Maybe I've always been this way and just never noticed. Or perhaps it coincided with the start of grad school. Either way, it's a bad habit that's going to be difficult to break. And that's what is on my mind this evening.

I haven't written in so long that it would take me days to form a complete update. So, in short... My next-to-last semester of grad school is nearly over. Only a few assignments are separating me from the "freedom" of Christmas break. A vacation is welcome. I can hardly believe that 2009 is coming to an end. I remember thinking how excited I would be on January 1, 2010...knowing that I will graduate later that year. And it's nearly upon us. The new year will be exciting for that reason and another... James is coming home for two weeks of leave starting January 3rd. I keep picturing how it will be to stand face-to-face with him again. Right now, I'm just grateful to see his face via Skype. It's funny how much an e-mail or online chat can make your day when your boyfriend is in Afghanistan. Right now, in fact, I keep checking the time, hoping he'll get online tonight. I imagine that it will be surreal to have him here again, to walk into a room and see him standing there. I think I might just look at him for a while. It'll be nice to hear his voice too. He hasn't called in a while and we're never able to actually talk on Skype because he's in a public place. I remember what it sounds like though. I'm taking off the first week of classes to spend time with him and I'm beyond caring what anybody has to say about it. My priorities have really been solidified in the last few months. For the first time in my life, grades are not the most important.

It's Never Boring Around Here

2009-08-18T01:10:00.006-04:00

I can't sleep. My sleep schedule is all thrown off because I didn't work this past week. And some days, I was very lazy. Also, this day has been something else. What happened today was not on the week's agenda.

I was in yet another car accident. Except, this time, I cannot take the credit. Here's the story... I overslept this morning and, therefore, didn't make it to the gym. Because I wanted to start the week off well (ha...irony), I decided to go this afternoon (I usually don't like to go in the afternoons because it's so much more crowded). I knew traffic would probably be bad because it was right after lunchtime but I didn't feel like waiting around. So, off I went. Now, I HATE Greenville Blvd. but, as it is, it is the quickest way to get to several places from my new apartment...including the gym. I'm always extra nervous when driving on Greenville Blvd. because it's packed and people are stupid. Well...that point was proven today. I had just merged into the turn lane when I see (briefly) a white SUV merging as well...right into my car. Everything happened really quickly after that. I was knocked onto two wheels (temporarily) and when the car came to a stop, I was in a turn lane for oncoming traffic. Thank God (literally) that no one was trying to turn at that moment. I was completely freaked out but had enough sense to grab my phone and call 911. By the time the call was finished, I was crying. Two men walked over to my car and said, "You don't need to cry...it wasn't your fault." You bet it wasn't. There was no way I was taking blame for this one. So, to make a long story short...I was hit by a 17 year old girl who, fortunately, was fully insured and was issued a ticket. I tried to contact her insurance company today in hopes of getting a rental (this couldn't happen during the week I was off?) but with no luck. Maybe tomorrow. I complained a lot and was angry about what happened but, truth be told, it could have been A LOT worse. I still can't believe that, until July, I'd never been in a single accident while driving...now, I've been in two. My car was towed, needless to say, and my parents are thinking it's probably not worth fixing. Not sure what I'm going to do about that. However, I am VERY grateful to be okay and that no one else was hurt either. I am also grateful that it wasn't my fault because that meant a lot less yelling from my parents. I didn't escape completely unscathed though. After getting home, I realized that my neck and back were hurting. I didn't want to make a big deal of it but Sam ended up taking me to Urgent Care tonight. The doctor just suggested over the counter pain meds and a heating pad and said I should be feeling better by Thursday or Friday. Again, could have been much worse. I am blessed.

In other news... I'm officially moved into my new apartment with Sam. My bedroom is in order but most everything else is not yet. Even though I was off for a full week, I don't feel like I got much done. I'm sure it will come together in time though. Aside from a few problems starting out, we're liking our new place. I really like my room, probably because I spent more time on it than I did the last one. I figure I'll be in this one more often anyway. It's very comfortable. I never realized how many picture frames I had until I tried to shove them all into one room.

Notice James's "Ranger Challenge" shirt on my bed...and the massive amount of picture frames.

Sam and I have also acquired a new puppy, a Chihuahua, recently named Ruby. Sam is her actual mommy but I get to enjoy her while Sam and I are roommates. She is very much a baby (just born June 1st) and is still getting used to her new surroundings. She cries quite a bit at night but that has improved since the first night we had her. We are also trying to house break her and that is proving to be a slow process (she doesn't really like the feel of grass). She's adorable though and hard not to love.Don't let her fool you...she only LOOKS innocent ;-).

Today marks 21 days since James left for Afghanistan and it's been...okay, so far. We've had much more communication than I would have anticipated. Of course, there is no guarantee that it will stay that way (there goes my pessimism). He's been moving around a lot and still isn't at his permanent location. I'm sure that's been difficult for him and it has been for me as well because I really want to send him stuff...sort of hard to do when you don't exactly have an address. He seems to be doing well, or as well as can be expected. I've been missing him like crazy though, of course. He was the first person I wanted to call when I had that accident today, especially since he came to be at my side the last time. Instead, I had to settle for telling him about it through Facebook chat. I shouldn't complain though...at least I WAS able to tell him, on the day it happened even. I just get so overwhelmed when I think about the remainder of this year, especially with the last year of grad school also looming over my head. James really helped me get through the end of 2nd semester and it's going to be tough not having that support in person. Speaking of support, I've had a lot of it from my loved ones, in regards to James being away. Molly has, of course, been wonderful because she knows what I'm going through. Sam has been great too. And my other friends try to understand and comfort me. It's also been nice communicating with James's mom through e-mails. We can talk to each other about our concerns and how much we miss him. It's also helpful to know when they've heard from him if I haven't. And I've been praying. A LOT. And I will continue to do so. It helps me feel a bit more secure and I have faith that God really is hearing my prayers.

Tomorrow, it's back to reality...i.e. my "vacation" is over. I have clients. And I return to my internship on Wednesday. Classes start next Tuesday, believe it or not, and I'm dreading them. I don't miss last semester one bit and I'm afraid this one is going to be worse (from what I've heard). I am, however, excited to meet my mentee (the 1st year MFT student I've been paired with). She seems very sweet and I think we'll have a lot in common.

Ok, I'm going to try this sleep thing again. Perhaps the melatonin will have kicked in. ;)

First Weekend

2009-08-03T21:39:00.005-04:00

This was to be my first weekend since James left and the last thing I wanted to do was sit in my apartment and mope...which is exactly what I would have done if I stayed in Greenville. So it was off to Raleigh for some time with the girls.

On Friday, Jamie had invited me to join her, some family, and the female half of the wedding party at the spa and for lunch. I had a pedicure reservation waiting for me when I arrived and that was SO what I needed. This was better, and longer, than any pedicure I've had before. It was so lovely that I think I could have sat there all day. The spa was extremely nice and I wish I could have afforded to have more done (i.e. a massage). Afterward, we went to The Twisted Fork for lunch and it was delicious. I had an amazing Thai chicken salad. I was debating on whether or not to get dessert (they have incredible desserts at this place - I've tried the creme brulee before and it made me want to slap my mama) but the waitress brought our checks before I could act on my urges. It was probably for the best though, honestly, since I am trying to eat a bit better (of course, my eating was crap the rest of the weekend). As I was leaving the restaurant, my mom called to tell me she was talking to James on Facebook chat. I was a little miffed at this because I was clearly no where near a computer. So I passed on a few messages to him through her before getting over the phone. Everything happened sort of quickly then. I had already been feeling a bit overwhelmed by all the wedding talk at lunch (probably wouldn't have bothered me any other time) and hearing that James was online but I couldn't talk to him upset me all the more. At that moment, Beyonce's "Halo" came on the radio (I was in my car and, for some reason, this song gets to me) AND it started raining. I broke down. It passed quickly but I didn't like feeling weak like that. I've been trying to keep that under control. I know I won't be able to all the time but that didn't feel like the day to lose it. I pulled it together and drove to Hillary's house.

Hillary and I didn't do too much that afternoon - browsed around Quail Ridge Books and Whole Foods and then just hung out at her house for a bit. We did end up seeing The Hangover that night. I have to be fair...it was a hilarious movie. The humor reminded me of Wedding Crashers which I could watch over and over. After liking it so much, I felt sort of bad. James had tried convincing me to see it with him but, because I didn't think it was much my style, I didn't go with him. He was right though. Really funny movie.

On Saturday, I went boating with Sara, her mom Ellen, her uncle Buddy, and her aunt Pam in Oxford. I didn't think I'd ever been on a boat but when I remembered a brief trip I took on Ben's grandparents' boat years ago. That hardly counts though, right? We were on the lake for about 3 hours and it was so relaxing. Spending time with Sara was great too. She's been in Europe this summer and I had not seen her since May. Even before she left, we were rarely able to spend one on one time together because of our crazy schedules. I loved catching up and cruising around on the boat with my Lil Sis.After boating, I met up with Ashley, who had just gotten into town, and Hillary for dinner at Moe's. We then got ready to go downtown, with Travis as our driver. Our first destination was the Hibernian Pub. I was a little wary about this. The Hibernian is where James and I met and I hadn't been there since that weekend. I was worried I might get upset, especially if alcoholic beverages were involved. When we first arrived, my eye definitely fell on the table where James, Kendall, and Tadd were sitting that night. I think I may have wanted to sit there had it not been filled with women. We found a place in the corner and I felt like I was handling it pretty well. We ordered a few drinks but ended up leaving after a short while because it was so HOT. The night was very humid and it felt as if the air conditioning wasn't even on. Just sitting, we were covered in sweat (gross, I know, but true). So much for trying to look good. Our next destination was the Red Room. Fortunately, we knew one of the hostesses and she let us in for free. Perk. This was the kind of place I had been wanting to go all along because there was dancing. All I wanted to do was let my hair down a bit. So we danced. We danced until we were soaked...as was everyone else because it was also very hot in there. What was up with the air in these places? One guy attempted to dance with me and Ashley told him we were all married. It worked. I was sorry for the night to end...it isn't often that I'm able to see my Meredith girls. I hate that I took all that time in the past for granted.
So I survived my first post-deployment weekend, thanks to my friends. I've had pretty good communication with James thus far...via e-mail and Facebook chat mostly. Surprisingly, he gave me a call today. I was at Snow Hill and had just stepped in the room with a patient when he called. He left a message saying he'd arrived in Afghanistan safely, that it was the ugliest place he'd ever seen, and that he would call again soon. Standing in the bathroom, I bawled like a baby. Just hearing his voice made me emotional (yes, I realize it's only been a week) but I was especially upset that I'd missed his call. Fortunately, he called back a couple minutes later and we were able to talk. How GOOD it was to actually talk to him. I plan to get my hands on an international calling card so I can speak with him, especially if he ends up not having much internet access. I can't believe it's only been a week. Not to be pessimistic but...this year is going to suck. Thank God I have good people to depend on.

Every Day We're Apart Brings Us One Day Closer to Being Together

2009-07-29T20:26:00.007-04:00

How to even begin this one? I returned from Fayetteville a few hours ago after spending the weekend at Carolina Beach with James and then seeing him off yesterday as he prepared to deploy. It's been a roller coaster couple of days.

Last Thursday (I can't believe it's nearly been a week), I left for Fayetteville after team. I was feeling surprisingly calm as I embarked on the weekend that I had been dreading for several months. After arriving, I gave James a letter I had written to him on July 15th, just talking about the things that were going through my head at the moment...a few parting words before he deployed. It wasn't much - just something else he could carry with him that I hoped would remind him of me. We turned in shortly after that as he had to be up for work at 4am. Around 1 or 2, we were awoken by a HUGE thunderstorm...definitely one of the worst I've seen in a while. And I DON'T like thunderstorms. I mean, a small one here and there is alright but I really hate ones in the middle of the night...who wants to wake up to that? Of course, it did give me a reason to cuddle even closer to James and he was sweet about my being such a scaredy cat.

The next morning, James was off to work and back before I had barely realized where he was. Unfortunately, he had to return to work after another hour of sleep, where he stayed for several hours. There wasn't much for me to do while he was away so I pretty much made a bum of myself until he got off and we headed for Carolina Beach. We hit another big thunderstorm on the way and didn't arrive until about 8:30. James's parents were already at his brother Jason's house when we got there. We were all in the mood to just sort of relax so the boys played pool a bit while James's mom, June, and I sat on the couch to watch. It was quite entertaining. James's idea of "breaking" was sending the ball off the table and across the room. I'm not sure if he did it intentionally or not but, either way, it was funny (and a little dangerous). After James's parents left for their hotel, James, Jason, and two of Jason's roommate, Kenny and Daniel, had the idea to watch Willow, mainly because I hadn't seen it and they thought it was amazing. After Hot Rod the weekend before, I wasn't sure what I was in for. Willow ended up being a bit more my speed though (fairies and whatnot) and it was fun to just hang out with the boys, seeing as how I don't get too much time with that sex. James and I ended up falling asleep on a chair. At some point overnight, James moved onto the couch - not realizing that Jason was also on the couch. When daybreak came, I found Jason shoved to the top of the couch and James shoved to the bottom. If I had been at all coherent when I saw this scene, I would have grabbed my camera. At the time though, all I wanted was a bed - not bamboo under my butt. Jason was kind enough to wake and usher us to his bed, thank goodness.

Saturday, it was time to hit the beach. James's parents, Jason, Michael (younger brother), Buford (Michael's beagle), James and I walked down the street to the beach (how nice it would be to live that close). James and his dad wanted to do some fishing on the pier but the rest of us wanted to relax so we headed for the beach below. Jason and I ended up talking quite a bit while we were out there and it was nice to get to know him a little bit better. I feel so comfortable with James's family...more so than I've felt with any other boyfriend's family. I'm completely myself with them and it's refreshing. James and his dad weren't able to catch anything that day and, after a few hours on the beach, we headed back to Jason's house. Everyone was pretty pooped. We had Chinese take-out for dinner and turned in pretty early.

On Sunday, Michael returned to Raleigh and James's parents left for home. Jason, James, and I went to Fort Fisher where we could drive onto the beach (with James's 4-wheel drive, of course) and the fishing was supposed to be good. The weather was great and so was Fort Fisher...it wasn't crowded at all - very relaxing. James waded into the ocean with his fishing pole and ended up catching 7 fish. He was quite proud and had a BLAST. It was exactly how he wanted to spend his day. He's in his element doing that sort of thing. Earlier, we had seen what we thought was a shark's fin but, nonetheless, I hung out in the water with James a bit. Shark or not, I didn't want to spend too much time away from him. It didn't escape my attention that, for a few days, we were under the impression that he would be deploying on this day. Nor did it escape my attention that he actually was deploying in two. While at Fort Fisher, James and Jason discussed the idea of watching The Graduate when we returned, which is a favorite movie of theirs and one I'd never seen (imagine that). So watch it we did. Afterward, James and I were starving but the only places open were bars. Even so, we ended up having some delicious quesadillas and pretzel bread at the Black Horn and it was more than satisfying. We then took a walk out to the beach and just sat in the sand for a while. I know our minds were probably on the same thing as we starred up at the stars and watched the lightning over the ocean. We hardly spoke a word to each other while we were out there. I was praying. It seemed like a good place to do it and, being outside, I felt a bit closer to God. I wanted to ask if he was okay but I avoided saying too much...I figured he needed some quiet time. Things got interesting when we got back to Jason's house that night. He was in bed because he had to be up at 3:30 to get ready for work. His roommates and their friends, however, were in the living room (where James and I were planning to sleep) behaving quite childishly (i.e. some guy was passed out drunk on the couch so they were putting shaving cream in his hand and tickling his nose...original). So where did we end up sleeping until Jason woke up and gave us his bed? On a couch in the garage. And James, sweetheart that he is, let me lie down while he slept sitting up. Oh, it was fun. Thank goodness Jason was leaving early. After a few hours of sleep, we started getting ready to head back to Fayetteville. It was depressing but I was trying to stay upbeat so James wouldn't think about it too much. I could tell he really didn't want to leave though. On the way, we stopped by Bojangles for breakfast. While we were sitting in the drive-thru, we feel a little nudge. I didn't even realize we'd been hit but that is exactly what had happened. James pulled out of the line and the woman behind us followed. The first words out of her mouth? "Did you back up?" Yes, he backed up...in a drive-thru...with someone behind him. Fortunately, there was no damage to his truck and she seemed to be cool with the little crack in her car so we moved on. When we arrived back at his apartment, James knew he had to get busy. His deployment bags weren't totally packed, neither was the stuff he was sending home with his parents, and we were meeting Molly and Kendall for dinner that evening. By the time we left for the Olive Garden, he'd made some progress but there was still a lot to be done. Dinner was fun though. It occurred to me that we had sort of come full circle. The first weekend we were together was spent with Molly and Kendall and so was the last (for a while). On the way to the restaurant, I realized that, not only did we go to the Olive Garden together that first weekend as we were then, we were sitting in the same spots in the car. Maybe it sounds trivial but it was interesting to me (and Molly too when I explained it to her later). As enjoyable as dinner was, I didn't much like all the Army talk. It reminded me too much of what was taking place the next day.Getting back to James's apartment, there was A LOT left to do and it didn't all get finished that night. I cleaned the kitchen but then he insisted I sit down and watch Meet Joe Black, which we'd picked up that day because he knew I would like it. And I did...what I saw of it. Before the end, James and I decided enough had been done that evening and it was time for bed. This was a tough time for me. It was the last time I'd be able to sleep beside him for a long time. But we were both exhausted so I didn't have much of a chance to dwell on that fact.

The next day, Tuesday, was D-Day...or deployment day. I felt strange waking up that morning. He had gone to post (a.k.a. Fort Bragg) to tie up a few lose ends - I remembered him telling me goodbye. And when I woke up, it felt like just another day. The sun was out, I played around on Facebook...just a normal morning. Except that it was far from normal. Getting ready for the day became a bit more difficult when the electricity was cut off (they didn't play around after he told them he was moving the 28th). He soon returned from work and, shortly after, his parents arrived. The four of us ran a few errands, worked on the apartment a bit more, and then it was time to go to post. We had no idea how this day would play out because James had been given so little information. We went to a field where James was to check in and drop off his things. Then, we just stood beneath a tree, trying to stay in the shade because it was HOT. Soon, Jason's roommate, Kenny, and his dad arrived. Kenny used to be in the Army as well and they wanted to see James off. Next, James had to retrieve his weapon. Kenny and I went with him to do this. It was really difficult for me when he walked out with a gun strapped across his chest. This wasn't how I pictured James at all. Things were starting to become more real. He couldn't be in Kenny's truck with his weapon so he walked back to the field while Kenny and I rode over. I didn't break down until James had walked away and, fortunately, had gotten control over myself by the time we rejoined his parents. Then, there was nothing to do but wait. In total, we were there for 4 hours and, though it was hot and we were standing the whole time, I was grateful for a little extra time with James. But then it was THE time. It happened so quickly and our goodbyes were so rushed...not at all how I'd wanted it to go. I didn't get to say what I wanted to say. We kissed, said I love you and he was gone...he disappeared into the crowd of others dressed just as he was. We remained there, the 5 of us, while the soldiers gathered themselves. His mom and I were bawling. They were going down a roster and we heard his name called...then saw him walking toward the bus headed for the Pope Air Force Base. He waved at us as he went and I completely lost it. So did his mom. That was the hardest part. We headed for the car after that. His dad was driving James's truck and I was riding with his mom in the car. Before she could leave, she needed to have a good, hard cry. For a couple minutes, we just hugged and cried. After we had gotten ourselves together, I knew I couldn't cry in front of her again. Before, I was trying to be strong for James, now, I was trying to be strong for his mom. We were on our way back to his apartment when I felt my phone vibrate...it was him. He'd accidentally kept his cell phone which, for me, was a stroke of good luck. It meant I was able to correspond with him for a little longer. His first text said that he loved me and wished he could have given me the goodbye I deserved. That meant the absolute world to me. I received the last text at 3:30am this morning but missed it because I was sleeping. He was in Maine. And, this afternoon, his mom forwarded me an e-mail he had sent after arriving in Germany. He asked her to pass it on because he didn't have mine or his brother's e-mail addresses on him. It was sent at 11:40am today (our time). He was departing from Germany in half an hour and on to a couple other destinations. It may be a week before he's a Camp Stone, where he'll probably be for a month or so. How good it was to hear from him that early.

My soldier - please pray for him.

Thank goodness for Molly and Kendall. Kendall let me stay at his house last night so I didn't have to drive home and I was so glad not to be alone. Molly and I went to IHOP (I was in need of some french toast) and she helped to keep my mind off things until bed. I slept well (thank goodness I was exhausted) and was actually grateful when my mind wandered to school as I fell asleep instead of other things...

Harry Potter and a Weekend at the Fine's

2009-07-20T22:42:00.004-04:00

I'm so ready to move out of this apartment. As we speak, I can hear my neighbor's television as if it were in the next room. And my TV is on too. Frustrating. This is why I had to camp out in the library all last semester. I pray that my new apartment will be quieter. I can't wait. Anyway, that's not really what I intended to write about...it is just driving me nuts right now.

There aren't too many events to report since the last time I've written. Last Tuesday, I went to the midnight showing of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. For the first time, I hadn't been counting down to the movie nor was I all that excited about seeing it. That had nothing to do with the movie, per se...I've just had SO much on my mind that has overshadowed any excitement I might have felt. And I ended up having mixed feelings about the film. I wasn't fond of some of the scenes they added that weren't in the book (i.e. the Weasley's house being set on fire - I'm pretty darn sure that wasn't in the book). I also felt that they left out some essential scenes, such as the last battle at Hogwarts and Dumbledore's funeral. Having that said, it was probably the funniest of the six movies. I don't think I've laughed so hard at any of the others. When Ron was intoxicated by the love potion, he was hilarious. And I liked how his and Hermione's romantic relationship was starting to develop in this one. Overall, I can say I enjoyed the movie and would likely see it again...it just isn't my favorite. From most of the other reviews I've heard, it appears that the majority of people either love it or hate it. I'm more on the fence though. Maybe it's because I can hardly bring myself to insult anything Harry Potter related. I'm too loyal.
This past weekend was my next-to-last with James. It was nearly our last full weekend but, on Friday, he found out that his leave date had been changed yet again...this time to the 28th of July. So he gets two extra days in America. I had to also rearrange my schedule again so I could be with him but I didn't mind. At this point, I don't care too much about inconveniencing my work sites. They can deal. I have other priorities.

I left for Fayetteville on Thursday night, just to get in a little extra time with him. I was SO excited to give him the scrapbook I made...in fact, I was downright giddy. I'm not sure if I've mentioned the scrapbook before. It was a complilation of pictures...of us, his family, his friends, his home. I wanted to include everything he might miss while away...everything that's most important to him. I was really pleased with how it turned out. I've been looking at it everyday - it was almost tough to give it up because I'll miss being able to look at those pictures. He seemed to love it though, which made me very happy. He could tell that a lot of work went into it. Not that I didn't enjoy it...I was sad when it was done. We stayed up late talking that night, which was really nice. I was worried that we'd be feeling down, especially since we'd both been in low moods throughout the week but, sitting there with him, it was as if he wasn't deploying at all. We were just a boyfriend and girlfriend spending the evening together.

We were pretty lazy for most of Friday and it was lovely. He didn't have to work so we slept in and then he fixed breakfast. I've been really restless lately and sleeping badly but I slept like a baby Thursday night...I think it's because he was beside me. That afternoon, we set out for his parents' house in Denton. Both of his brothers were coming into town as well but we were the first to arrive. The plan was to cook out by the pond but just as we were able to head down there, it began to pour. Still hoping to dine outside though, we just moved the grill to the porch. Before too long, Jason (James's older brother) showed up with one of his roommates. Then Michael (his younger brother) arrived. Just when I thought all the guests were accounted for, another friend of Jason's came over. The male to female ratio was now 6:2. I'm not used to be around so many guys but I was actually much more comfortable than I expected to be. And I guess his mom is accustomed to all men. I think she enjoyed having another lady in the house though :). Dinner was great. I'd never had a venison (a.k.a. deer meat) burger but it was delish and didn't taste too different from beef. I was able to talk to Jason a bit, which was nice since I had barely met him before. After dinner, a few of us (me and the boys) sat around a fire by the pond. It was relaxing and, again, I forgot about my worries. The evening ended with a late-night fourwheeler ride through the woods. It doesn't get much better than that.

Saturday, I woke at 10am, freaking out. I figured I had to be the last person up and couldn't believe James hadn't woken me. I had a bit of a reputation with Ben's family for sleeping in late and I didn't want to start that again with James's family. So I jumped up and rushed into the bathroom to take a shower. Little did I know that, actually, James and his brothers were still sleeping at 11am. Whew. Hadn't made a bad impression yet. I met James's grandmother and thought for sure that she'd interrogate me (James had given me a heads up about this) but she didn't. She really didn't say too much to me at all...not sure if that's a good or bad thing.

Saturday afternoon, James, Jason, and I went to a one-year-old's birthday party. You're probably thinking, "Ooh, what an exciting way to spend a Saturday". But this was unlike any child's birthday party I've ever been to. This party was half child-half adult. There was beer, for goodness sakes. At one point, the birthday boy's grandfather literally felt down the patio stairs and landed on his butt because he was so drunk. I only saw the aftermath (i.e. him on his behind and beer spilled everywhere) but I do wish I'd seen the whole thing (come on, you would have too). Nevertheless, after he cleaned up his scraped knees, he starting sipping (or guzzling) another beer. I guess some people never learn. The rest of the day wasn't quite so eventful. I watched a movie with James and his brothers (Hot Rod - sorry James, but you know it wasn't my cup of tea) and took another nighttime fourwheeler ride. Neither of us wanted to go to bed because we dread Sundays...this one especially.

But, of course, Sunday eventually came. Michael left early for Raleigh but the rest of us had a nice dinner, compliments of his mom. Then it was back to Fayetteville. I was definitely in no hurry to get back so we finished watching a movie we've been trying to watch for weeks, Forgetting Sarah Marshall. I liked this one better than Hot Rod and it was good to laugh, especially since I knew that our time to say goodbye was approaching. And it was difficult, just as I knew it would be. I held it together until he thanked me for going home with him and I couldn't do it anymore. I'm quite proud of myself though...I pulled it together fairly quickly. So, no worries, I wasn't bawling as I went down the road, placing myself and others in danger.

Next weekend is our last for a good while. I plan to spend Thursday through Tuesday with him and I'm just hoping to make the very best of it.

What a Weekend

2009-07-06T21:57:00.003-04:00

My 4th of July weekend took a few unexpected turns (literally). I will explain...

Friday was actually a really good day. I woke up early to go to the gym with Sam, which I was pretty proud of myself for, especially since it was 7am on a day I didn't have to work. Afterward, I came home to finish packing and then ran a few errands around Greenville before heading out. Before going to my parents house, I was making a stop in Denton to spend time with James and his parents (seeing as how I had only seen them for 20 minutes previously). It was so nice to be at his house, to just see where he comes from. I was finally able to see the bedroom he grew up in, for instance. There were pictures of him as a kid and he was the CUTEST thing! Those were the first pictures I had seen from his childhood. Adorable. I wanted James to introduce me to some of the things he liked to do when home so we went on the four-wheeler. I was a little scared at first, especially when I realized that we were going through the woods (I was even slapped in the face with a branch, but it didn't really hurt) but it ended up being a lot of fun once I relaxed. I think James was gentle with me because he knew I was nervous. Afterward, James and I went to a little restaurant in Denton for dinner...country cookin' to be exact. And that night, he took me down to the pond on their property to make a fire. I know that sitting by the fire is one of his favorite things to do so it was nice to be able to do it with him. Being there made it really feel like summer. I wish I could sit by the fire with James every night.

The next day was Independence Day and my dad's birthday. I was feeling a bit down most of the day. It had been very tough to leave James the night before. He was planning to come to my parents' house that day but he was unsure of how long he could stay. His parents were planning to see a fireworks show and he wanted to go with them. I know it's selfish but I just want to spend as much time with him as possible right now. Anyway, I was in a pretty low mood until he arrived. Then I perked up a bit. We grilled out for dinner and my grandmother joined us as well. Right afterward though, James and I left for the fireworks show (he had also invited me but I wasn't sure if my dad would be okay with me leaving on his birthday). We were running a bit behind and actually ended up seeing the fireworks (the whole 15 minutes of them) from the road. Just as we were almost there, the finale began and James's parents were calling to tell us we'd missed it. Oh well. We can't say we didn't see some fireworks for the 4th. We headed back to his house to talk to his parents for a bit, then it was back to the pond. We sat beside the fire, enjoying the time with each other, and talking. It was almost romantic even. :) I'm certainly going to miss nights like that.

Sunday morning and afternoon were uneventful. I had dinner at home and then got on my way back to Greenville around 5pm. That's when things became interesting. I was nearly home (about 5 minutes or so from my apartment) and had just gotten off the exit when I lost control of my car and ran into some bushes, placing my car at a nice little slant. I was hysterical. I've never had an accident before. My first thought was to call James, which I did. He couldn't even understand what I was saying through my sobs. I was on the phone with him when I looked behind me to see a man approaching my car. He was with three women and they had stopped to make sure I was okay. As soon as I got out of the car, the flood gates broke loose. I couldn't stop crying. James was still on the phone as I was trying to talk to this man. He asked if I wanted him to pray for me and when I said yes, he did it right then and there. I was just crying and clutching the phone. I can't even remember if I closed my eyes. The oldest of the three women came over and held me for a bit before I returned to James on the phone. He offered to come to Greenville and, of course, I said I wanted him to. By this point, 911 had been called and before I knew it, 3 highway patrolmen had shown up. One of them called someone to tow my car out of this small ditch and, fortunately, didn't give me a ticket. I still have no idea what happened...I wasn't texting, on the phone, changing the radio station, and I don't think I was speeding. I really can't explain it. They weren't sure if I'd be able to drive my car so I started going down the list of people to pick me up. Jodi was the first to answer her phone and she graciously agreed to come rescue me. Though I was able to drive my car after all, she had to take me to the ATM to obtain $225 (yes, that's right...I was taken complete advantage of) to pay for my car to be towed a couple feet. Both James and my parents were pretty heated about the price. The only damage to my car was a cracked panel on the passenger side. As far as I know, it's good to drive. I can't believe how blessed I was. I walked away without a scratch and, after looking at the scene, realized that I came VERY close to hitting a sign. I don't know how I missed it. James was there by the time Jodi and I returned from the ATM and he followed me home. His coming to Greenville very much improved my bad night. Though the circumstances weren't good, I was so glad to have another, unexpected night with him. As a little reward, I gave him part 1 of his two-part pre-deployment surprise. I had ordered him a stuffed animal (a beagle because he loves them) from Build-a-Bear, dressed in an Army uniform, complete with a little hat and everything. I was worried that he might think it too childish but he actually really liked it. It makes me so happy to give gifts...probably more than it does to receive them.

Today, James and I met Sam for lunch at East Coast Wings (I think I deserved a cookie skillet after last night). Then, we went to the barber shop so James could get a haircut. He has to report to duty tomorrow after 17 days of leave. It was strange to see him again with no beard and much shorter hair. I like his scruffy look. As usual, it was so difficult to see him drive away.

Needless to say, this is not how I expected my 4th of July weekend to turn out. I'm praying that this week will be a little less eventful so I can take a breath.

Aside from New York...

2009-07-02T15:11:00.002-04:00

While visiting New York was, by far, the most interesting thing to happen to me over the last couple weeks, there are a few other things that have occurred...

First of all, I took my kitten to the animal shelter (my original plan was the Humane Society but they were closed on my day off). It was slightly heartbreaking because I was worried she wouldn't end up in a good home. However, I can't say I was too terribly broken up about it. Before leaving her with Kristy while I was out of state, I was only with her for 3 days. And I spent most of those 3 days being very irritated with her. I soon realized that what I needed was an older, more mature, lazy sort of cat...not a wild kitten. She really tested my patience. James jokingly asked if that was what I was going to do with my kids - take them off to the orphanage when they frustrated me (I didn't find this joke all that funny) but that's really not what it was. I think at a different time (i.e. not in grad school) and a different place (i.e. not my itty bitty apartment) it may have worked. But right now, I just don't have time to devote to fighting a kitten. Of course, it didn't help when I found out she had fleas. Three days this cat had been in my apartment and I now needed to treat the place for fleas (is it just a coincidence that my head has been crazy itchy the past few days?). Great. I guess that's what I get for impulsively rushing into something. Oh well. Moving on.

Molly returned from Iceland on Sunday and I was SO glad to see her. Molly is an incredible friend (there's every possibility that she'll read this and I hope she does). When she found out my mom had lost her job last week, she called me...from ICELAND. She also sent James a message, asking him to be extra sweet to me because I was going through a hard time. For these reasons and more (we just have a great time together), I love having her around. I drove to Raleigh on Monday to pick her up from Hillary with whom she had stayed the night before. We'd planned on doing Papa John's that night (Molly had a whole list of restaurants she wanted to enjoy after she returned) but ended up at the Olive Garden instead. Our waiter was awkwardly friendly. He was one of those who lingers after you thank him for whatever he just did. I felt like he was trying to hear our conversation. Anyway, we had a nice dinner and it was good to catch up. This was the first time we had really talked since I learned of James's deployment date and I had been needing to process that with someone who fully understands, as Molly does. It really is a bit of a blessing that she is also dating an Army man...otherwise, I would feel quite alone.

Tuesday night, we dined at Chico's which has become a favorite of Molly's since visiting Greenville. Afterward, Molly had told me she had a surprise and was going to drive us to it. Her plan was to treat me to a pedicure but, unfortunately, every place we went to was already closed. Of course, that didn't stop us from going on Wednesday and it was LOVELY. I'd had a really long day and exactly what I needed was a strange man rubbing my feet :). Last night, Molly and I hung out at my apartment with Sam for a bit and, for a moment, it felt like my days back at Meredith (having friends in my room, laughing and eating Papa John's). Kendall came to retrieve her this afternoon (it's been at least a month since they've seen each other) and I'm quite sad that she's gone.

I'm hoping that the rest of the week will be pretty smooth sailing. I have team tonight (but I have no clients myself - woo hoo!), dinner with Jamie, supervision tomorrow (which I enjoy for some reason), lots of errands, and I'm heading home for July 4th weekend. I'm excited to see James, his family, and my parents. :)

We're Not in North Carolina Anymore, Ya'll

2009-07-01T14:28:00.010-04:00

I have returned from my trip to the Big Apple and, if you've perused my pictures, you already know much of what we did. However, this will be the written version :). There is much that the pictures did not capture.

On Thursday, I was on the edge of my seat waiting for 4:30pm to come...that was the start of my weekend. Around 6pm, James and I got on the road out of Greenville (after a phone call from my mother telling me that Michael Jackson had died - what?!). It was later than we had planned to leave but we had already come to terms with the fact that we'd be getting to NYC late. The trip itself was pretty uneventful. James and I "fought" over who would be the navigator, each of us thinking that our directions were the right ones. I thought it was only fair that I navigate since he was driving (and I refused to drive) AND his iphone kept freezing when we needed it the most. Regardless, we made it without getting lost even once.

Entering the city was a bit of a laugh...mostly because we were delirious with exhaustion as it was nearly 5:30am when we arrived. For the last hour or so, we had been unsure if we were even going in the right direction. There were no signs indicating which highway we were on and nothing even mentioned New York. My worst fear was that we were badly lost somewhere in New Jersey and would have to spend the night there somewhere. I literally would have cried. But, to our surprise, we were suddenly driving right into NYC. It hit us like a ton of bricks. James and I are not city people. The lights, people walking down the sidewalk as if it were noon, and trying to navigate the one-way streets was almost too much for us country folk to handle. We found our hotel...just in time to pass it and, obviously, we couldn't just turn around. Eventually, after rounding the block a couple times, we stopped in front to inquire about the parking situation. We were directed to a parking garage around the corner that, as it turned out, charged $42 per night to park. After learning that the hotel charged $50, $42 didn't sound so bad. When we were parked and the keys had been turned over to the attendant, we made our way down a sketchy back alley carrying all of our stuff. That's right. We ventured down a New York alley at 5:30am with all of our belongings. Unfortunately, there was really no other choice. Finally, it was time to check in. James and I loaded all of our luggage onto a cart and he went to retrieve the keys. Twenty or so minutes passed before he returned (which we later realized was a relatively short amount of time to check in), and he informed me that the only way we could take a cart upstairs was if someone accompanied us. Whatever...not even worth it. So up we went with our things. Probably the funniest part of our arrival occurred once we got to our hotel room. James, who had really been looking forward to our magnificent view of New York, zealously threw back the curtains...just to see that our room was actually wedged between 2 walls and a building front. We just collapsed in laughter...it was all we could manage at that point. It was 7am before we finally fell asleep.We slept a few hours before getting ready for our first day in the city. By that time, we were starving and had lunch at a healthy little place called the Pita Grill. Afterward, we wanted to visit the Museum of Sex. I just knew this would be entertaining and it didn't disappoint. The first gallery, however, was a bit deceiving. It was all about the sex lives of animals. Sure, it was interesting...just not what I expected. I learned things about animals that I really never wanted to know. I also took an amusing picture of James with a statue of white-tailed deer who, apparently, engage in threesomes (see below). Again, something I never wanted to know. The next gallery was devoted to sex in movies and television. There were different screens covering the walls, showing clips of movies from various time periods, commercials, and even an instructional video :-P. It was an interesting experience to be seeing these things with tons of other people around. I have to admit that I probably blushed on more than one occasion. The third gallery was a hodge podge of different items related to sex...you can more or less use your imagination on this one...or just go visit it for yourself. I'm too sheepish to divuldge details. :)After leaving the Museum of Sex, we took a quick walk through Madison Square Park, grabbed a smoothie, snapped a few pictures of the Empire State Building (actually, we didn't even notice the Empire State Building until we saw a large tourist group across the street with cameras in hand, turned around, and there it was), and headed back for a nap (we were still pretty tuckered out). Feeling refreshed, we met up with James's high school friend, Eric, in the lobby of our hotel and he took us to Times Square, which we didn't even realize was so close to where we were staying. He and his wife, Mandy, just recently moved to New York but it was quickly obvious that he knew much more about the city than us. We grabbed a slice of pizza for dinner and began to explore Times Square. It absolutely blew me away. I couldn't even walk for looking around! The lights were mesmerizing...that's the only way I can describe it. I couldn't stop thinking about the many New Year's Eves when I watched the ball drop in Times Square and there I was. There was just so much to see. I noticed a few places that I wanted to return to later (i.e. the Hershey's store and M&M store - hey, I like chocolate) as we made our way to Rockefellar Center. It was very cool to see the place where the ice skating rink is in the winter...how many movies have featured that spot? Eventually, we felt it was time to get a drink, relax, and catch up (well, they would be catching up) and found ourselves at the Pig and Whistle Pub. I promise it was better than it sounds. Eric and James were able to really talk for the first time in a while and I was able to get to know Eric a little better. It was also fun to hear stories from their high school days. The day ended on such a positive note but we were so worn out when we returned to the hotel. I went to bed still in disbelief that I had finally been to Times Square.On Saturday, we once again met up with Eric and, this time, his wife Mandy was able to join us as well. We braved the New York subway (not too different from the London Underground) and our first destination was Ground Zero. Like Times Square, this was another surreal experience...probably even more so. I had to really stop and think about how that area looked on 9/11, how it must have felt to be there then. Because I had not been to New York when the World Trade Center was still standing, it was harder for me to appreciate the void that was left. But it was still a very somber moment for me. James and I toured the WTC Gallery and it was definitely worth the time. There was a history of the WTC, pictures of "missing" loved ones, written accounts from people who were there as well as family and friends, remnants of the building and belongings of those who worked there, pictures of those who died, children's artwork...there was just so much to take in. No one was really talking, just looking and absorbing. For me, it made the event so much more real. It also gave James's deployment a bit more meaning. I'm so glad that we made Ground Zero a stop on our trip.I was in the mood for something a bit more cheery after the WTC Gallery so we headed for Little Italy. Though we didn't stop, it was fun to observe. Next was Central Park, another essential when visiting NYC. I had never realized, though, how big it was. We definitely didn't cover much ground but how cool it was to just be there. After taking the subway back to our hotel, it was time to part ways with Eric and Mandy. Without them that day, I have no idea how we would have made it around the city. James and I were, again, very sleepy so we took a quick nap before getting ready for dinner. We didn't have any particular place in mind so we just ventured off for Times Square again and knew that we'd be sure to find something there. We also took a bit more time to browse some of the stores, both before and after dinner. The restaurant we chose was one I had noticed the night before (actually, it was right across from the Pig and Whistle) called Langan's. It ended up being just the right choice. The service was great, the food was delicious, and there was even a jazz band. Even more, the quiet atmosphere was a nice break from the chaos outside. After dinner, we just strolled through the city (avoiding stampedes of people, of course), enjoying our time. I was quite sad to go to bed that night because I knew our trip was coming to an end and I definitely didn't want to head back to Greenville the next day.Our trip home was also fairly uneventful, aside from traffic, toll booths, and taking a wrong turn at one point. We arrived in Greenville around 1:30am and practically collapsed into bed. Pure exhaustion = a great trip. :-)

They Say That Bad Things Come in Threes...

2009-06-24T15:37:00.002-04:00

And if that's true...I think I've just had my third one. At least I hope that's the last of it for a while. My mom found out that she lost her job today. She went to work this morning, thinking everything was business as usual, just to be called into a meeting and laid off. My dad lost his job in April of this year so I'm not entirely sure where that leaves my parents as far as finances go, not to mention morale. I just can't believe this has happened. I was under the impression that my mom's job was secure and took comfort in that fact after my dad lost his. But no one's job is secure anymore. It's easy to pretend that this economic crisis isn't happening until it comes knocking at your door.

When my mom called me, I was at the clinic waiting on my clients. While talking to her, I noticed that they were late and was beginning to assume that, thankfully, they weren't going to show. I was very upset and in no shape to see clients. At 12:15 (their appointment was for 12), they walked in the door. Super. THANK GOD Edwina (our clinic administrative assistant) was there. I walked into her office and was so visibly upset that Edwina sprung into action immediately. She explained to my clients that I had just received some personal news and would not be able to see them today. I didn't even know we could do that. Edwina rocked my socks today. And I think she should be a therapist herself. She sat with me after my clients left and just talked to me about the whole situation. I left the clinic feeling loads better than I would have had she not been there.

My last two entries have been rather melancholy...I'm hoping to provide something more sunny after my New York trip. :)

It Wasn't Long Enough

2009-06-24T14:43:00.004-04:00

Sometimes, songs can say EXACTLY what you're feeling if you listen closely enough. I tend to pay special attention to lyrics and, yesterday, I heard this Rascal Flatts song that really spoke to how I'm going to be feeling soon.

Forever

I miss you so much
your light, your smile, your way
and everything about us
though you're gone, you're still here
in my heart, in my tears

Yeah you sure left your mark
we were just gettin’ started

It wasn’t long enough
it wasn’t long enough together
but it was long enough
yeah it was long enough
to last forever

Sometimes I get so mad
I scream, I swear at this
'cause this isn’t how we planned it
I sit here in a cold room
prayin, waitin’ on you

To run back though that door
to the way it was before you left

It wasn’t long enough
it wasn’t long enough together
but it was long enough
yeah, it was long enough to last forever

I’ve been cheated, defeated, can't believe that you're gone

It wasn’t long
it wasn’t long enough
it wasn’t long enough
it wasn’t long enough

No no no

It wasn’t long enough
it wasn’t long enough together
but it was long enough
yeah, it was long enough
to last to last to last forever

No, it wasn’t long enough.

-Rascal Flatts

Unstoppable

Some Much Needed Girl Time...and a New Addition

2009-06-23T12:51:00.005-04:00

This week is passing far too slowly. On Thursday afternoon, James and I are leaving for New York and I'm very excited. However, everything between me and Thursday is moving like molasses. Tomorrow will be an especially long day with my internship and 4 clients on the agenda. Fortunately, I'm having dinner with Jamie tomorrow night so that gives me something to look forward to.

Hillary came to visit this weekend and it was really nice to spend some one-on-one time with her. This was the first chance we've had to do so in a long time. She arrived Saturday afternoon and I felt bad allowing my guest to just sit around the apartment so we went off to the mall. Now, Hillary is accustomed to Crabtree Valley Mall and our little mall hardly compares. But she was a good sport. And American Eagle was selling underwear for $1.95! After the mall, we had dinner at East Coast Wings which has become a favorite hangout of my MFT friends. I think the menu item that keeps bringing us back is the cookie skillet. You've probably had something similar - chocolate chip cookies on a skillet with vanilla ice cream and chocolate sauce - but you've NEVER had one like this. It's amazing. Happiness in your mouth. I could probably eat a whole one by myself but I wouldn't allow it...except maybe on my birthday. Or the day James deploys. I think Hillary enjoyed the delicious cookie skillet nearly as much as I did. Conveniently located by East Coast Wings is the movie theatre and we dropped in to see The Proposal with Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds. It was SO good! I read in a magazine that the critics only gave it 2/4 stars but it usually turns out that I love the movies hated by critics. Perhaps that says something about my taste but oh well. I was a little worried that the funniest bits of the movie were the ones shown in the trailer but that wasn't the case at all. I recommend this movie if you're feeling romantic and in need of a laugh. After Hillary and I returned to my apartment, we watched Wedding Crashers (I saw a theme forming in our film choices...) and Hillary fell asleep on my couch, bringing an end to the night.
Sunday, we had lunch at the new Hibachi Japan near my apartment before going to pick up my kitty! We brought her home and she quickly began to explore her new environment. I realized that the flimsy litterbox she came with was just not going to cut it. So Hillary and I headed off to Target where I spent exorbitant amounts of money (not only on cat stuff but other things I just HAD to have) as I usually do in that store. On the way home, we grabbed smoothies at the wonderful Tropical Smoothie Cafe. Their smoothies are expensive but worth it because they're huge and last forever! Not to mention super tasty. We were lazy for the rest of the day, lounging around and watching Hairspray and Made of Honor (another wedding movie, hmm...). I was so glad to be able to spend this weekend with my best friend. Things just haven't been the same without having her right next door.

Since then, I've just been trying to adjust to life with a pet. I have to admit that I've gotten rather frustrated with Charlotte (that's what I named her...obviously) at times. I just have to keep reminding myself that she is only a kitten and will grow out of this rambunctiousness eventually. The biggest issue I have seems to be when I try to use the computer. She is attracted to electronics like no other and loves to walk all over the keyboard when I'm trying to type! If she keeps this up, I have no idea how I'll be able to write papers next semester. Any advice on how to stop this would be much appreciated. Otherwise, she's a very sweet cat. She follows me from room to room and even sits outside the tub when I'm showering! Today, she woke me up at 7am but that was actually okay because I needed to get up anyway. And I love when she curls up next to me on the couch and goes to sleep. :)

Until next time...happy Tuesday. =)

Time is Simultaneously Passing Too Quickly and Not Quickly Enough

2009-06-16T23:08:00.004-04:00

I just returned from Buffalo Wild Wings a little bit ago. I suppose that's one good thing about being an adult...the ability to drop everything and go out with friends. Maybe not the most responsible thing but definitely the most fun. I left the restaurant, however, in a bit of a low mood and I'm not sure why. It was good to see my MFT friends. Since the summer began and we aren't with each other for 12 hours of classes per week, I feel like we hardly ever get the chance to catch up. We all have such busy schedules with our different clients, internships, and assistantships stretching us all over Greenville (and Snow Hill). Maybe I felt low because we had been talking about school. It's pretty much inevitable when we're together as that is the most obvious thing we all have in common but, sometimes, I just want to forget that I'm even in grad school. Then again, I suppose we all need some time to vent about things and who understands better than those who are in the same boat? We didn't stay too long but I enjoyed it. Another possible source of my low mood was that we talked a little bit about the deployment. It wasn't in detail but still, just thinking about it and verbalizing it made me blah. I wanted to call James after I left the restaurant but he has staff duty tonight and is, therefore, occupied. Fortunately, I had a good phone conversation with my mom and felt much more chipper afterward.

Today actually brought some exciting developments. Sam and I have decided to move in together for the next year and we think we found our apartment today. It has wood floors, a fireplace, a big balcony, a spacious kitchen and living room area, walk-in closets, and bedrooms that are nearly equal in size. What's even better is that I'll be paying less than I do at my current apartment for a nicer place. I'm very excited about living with Sam. I think we'll be able to help each other through the struggles that are to come in the next year. Also, with James leaving, it will be extremely helpful to come home to an apartment that isn't empty. Oh, and how good of a friend is Sam? She took off of work the day that James deploys (more on that later) so she can be with me. I don't know how I got so lucky when it comes to friends.

The other bit of exciting news is that I'm getting a kitten! Bryan's brother, Jeff, has a friend who found a kitten and is trying to get a home for her. Right now, Kristy has taken her in but can't keep her. I didn't think I'd be able to either (the pet fee at my current apartment is $350 - way too steep for me) but since I'm moving, it's perfect to get a pet! I need to figure out a name for her so suggestions are welcome. Hopefully, she will also help to alleviate my loneliness.

That was my day in a nutshell...now on to this past weekend...

It all began on Thursday. I arrived at my internship and actually had, what I felt to be, a very successful session with one of my clients. So, I was feeling pretty good...up until about 10am. I received a text message from James saying that he had found out when he would be deploying. He wanted to know if I'd like to hear it then or later. I thought about it. Either I learned of it then and it ruined my day or I worried about it for the next several hours and it ruined my day. It wasn't looking good. I asked to know then. As it turns out, he is in the advanced party and will be leaving July 27th, as opposed to early-mid August as we had expected. For the next 30 minutes, I just sat in my office, starring at the wall. Oh, and crying. It wasn't a proud moment for me but I didn't know what else to do. Eventually, Kasey came in (one of the counselors I work with, who also graduated from my MFT program) and the whole story came out. I was just waiting for someone to talk to. I felt a little better afterward but I still didn't think I would be useful at my internship so I left for a couple hours. It seemed too strange to just carry on with my daily activities given the recent news. For the rest of the day, I was in a bit of a daze and just grateful that I would be seeing James that night instead of having to wait for the next day.

The next day, I really just wanted to concentrate on having fun with James. We woke up very early (5am - ok, a little after...I didn't want to wake up) to get ready for his pro-ball tournament. Pro-ball is a cross between football and rugby and I'm pretty sure the Army created it. The major difference between pro-ball and those two sports is the lack of equipment - no helmets, no pads, no cup - just skin, bones, and blood (lots of blood, I came to find out). And let me tell you, they are SERIOUS about this game and they rarely play nice. I watched as a man was knocked unconscious. Others were walking around, covered in mud and blood. James was forced to bare his midrift as two of his shirts were completely ripped. Some of the other injuries we later learned of included a broken nose, broken collarbone, broken finger, and one guy is nondeployable because of this game! I asked James if he thought it was worth all of that and it didn't surprise me when he said it was, that it was fun. I have to admit that it was exciting to watch him play (he's good at it). However, every time they called for the medic, I got a little nervous, jumping up to make sure James was still on his feet. He managed to escape with some cuts and scrapes and at least two days of being very sore.

That night was the military ball. Actually, it was the SEND OFF ball. Hmm. I chose to have my hair professionally done for the night as I can never do much with it. I was a little scared about someone in Fayetteville doing my hair though, to be honest. Maybe it's wrong for me to feel that way but, I had basically closed my eyes and pointed at a place on the map. I didn't know what kind of sketchy sketch place I had to expect. I was lucky though and the woman I had did wonders with my hair. As a perk, she didn't try to make awkward conversation with me. I was almost too worn out from the tournament to be much of a conversational partner anyway.

The ball was certainly entertaining. As nice as it was to see James all dressed up, it also brought everything home for me. That feeling was intensified at the ball when the colonel spoke of the upcoming deployment and how much he appreciated the sacrifice families made watching their man go off to war. I was really glad when he just stopped talking. Overall though, I made it through the night (the ball, at least) without getting too emotional. Dinner was good and the comedian was much funnier than any of us expected. During his act, one man had to literally be thrown out because he was too drunk and couldn't keep his mouth shut. His poor wife (for more than one reason) was left in there by herself. I bet he slept on the couch that night.

It was after the ball that things got really interesting. When we got back to James's apartment, a lot was on my mind and I just couldn't hold it in anymore. I lost it. I just sat on the edge of his bed, still in my dress and shoes, and bawled into my knees. I don't think he quite knew what to do with me. I just felt ANGRY. I was angry about his leaving, about having to continue in this grad program knowing how insane I'm going to be and how I'm going to have to do it without his support, which I've gotten used to. He handled my outburst very well and even said some really wise things (though I think they just made me more angry at the time). He said that what happens to us has more to do with our attitudes than any external events. That's when I realized how bad my attitude has been (maybe his calling me out on it is what made me angry - but I needed to hear it). And so, to follow James's advice, I'm going to start being more conscious about my attitude and how it affects my day.

I think that outpouring of emotion was exactly what I needed and the rest of the weekend went well. We had dinner Saturday night at a Japanese restaurant and watched a scary movie (The Uninvited - I recommend it) and just relaxed on Sunday, watching another movie (Role Models - better than I expected). It's ALWAYS so hard to leave him but he was heading home that afternoon and I had work to do so I felt it best that I return to Greenville earlier than I might have liked.

So, there it is, friends. It's funny how things tend to turn out so differently than how we planned.

Taste of Summer

2009-06-09T22:28:00.005-04:00

Good evening, ya'll :). I had promised to update with more regularity so here is what's on my mind tonight...

Have you ever seen Legends of the Fall? I watched it for the first time this weekend with James and it had a pretty profound effect on me...I've been thinking about it for the last couple days. It's probably one of the saddest movies I've ever seen. There's death, war, betrayal, violence, unrequited love. I think it was the war that got to me the most, especially since I was watching it with James. The movie begins in 1914 so, naturally, the war scenes were very different from what you would see today but it was still difficult to watch. In one part, Brad Pitt's character watches his little brother bombarded with bullets against a barbwire fence. After he dies, Brad Pitt cuts out his heart to take back to their family. Talk about devastating. All I kept thinking about was James's heart coming back to the States in a box. Sorry - gruesome, I know. But you can see why this scene would be upsetting to me. Just so much tragedy befell this one family. And where did it start? The war. I just have a very hard time imagining my boyfriend doing what those men were doing. Again, it was 1914, I know...but it's no less terrifying today. Maybe even more so. Anyway, if you do decide to view this movie...bring the tissues. It's powerful.

Fortunately, not my entire weekend was depressing. On Friday evening, I headed into Raleigh to meet up with James. We didn't do much but, after the week we both had, it was nice to just relax with each other. On Saturday afternoon, I left James to spend time with his brother and joined Jamie, Kristy, and Will for tailgating before the Brad Paisley concert. I had never actually tailgated before but it ended up being a really good time. I felt like I hadn't spent much time with my MFT friends lately so it was nice to catch up with a couple of them. We managed to avoid talking about school for most of the night which is usually difficult when we get together. Our seats for the concert were on the lawn and we had the opportunity to see some very interesting things while we were there...mostly drunk people behaving badly. For instance, one very drunk man practically rolled down the hill all over Jamie. She was okay and probably took it better than I would have. Later, an older woman got all huffy because she was worried that Kristy was going to spill her drink on her. Okay, look, when you get seat on the lawn, you have to keep in mind that stuff is going to happen. You will probably be stepped on, rolled over, or splashed with beer at some point. You may even be inappropriately groped on the way to the bathroom. It hasn't happened to me but it does happen. The concert was great and Brad Paisley is a very talented performer. Later that evening, I was supposed to meet up with James at his brother Michael's house. I should have known I was going to have a difficult time getting back. I somehow ended up in Garner but I suppose I'm becoming accustomed to getting lost because I set myself straight again without too much trouble. When I finally made it to Michael's house, I was able to meet his girlfriend, Janice, as well as his roommates. We sat around a fire in the backyard for a bit before calling it a night.

Sundays are always a bit depressing for James and me...for a couple reasons. First of all, neither of us particularly enjoy what we're doing right now and Sunday means that Monday is just right around the corner. Secondly, it means that another week stands between us being able to see one another again. So, we both tend to be in a lower mood on Sunday. However, we didn't have a bad day at all. On Sunday afternoon, we ended up back at Michael's house. That is where we watched the previously mentioned Legends of the Fall (and I cried my eyes out). Usually, I'm very concerned about the time and getting back to Greenville in order to organize myself for the week but this time...I just didn't CARE. I wanted to soak up as much time with James as possible. It was nice to pretend it was just the summer and I could do whatever I pleased. I knew I would probably pay for it the next day but that didn't seem to matter much. Instead, we had a cookout with Michael and his friends. For a few moments, it truly felt like summer vacation...until we had to return to reality and head home. Overall though...really good weekend.

I have some exciting events coming up... This Friday is the military ball. I've never been to one and, honestly, I didn't think I'd have another chance to really dress up (until my wedding?) after graduating from Meredith. So I'm quite excited. The following weekend, Hillary is coming to visit me in Greenville for the first time and I'll be showing her the sights (hardy har har). And the weekend after that...I'm off to New York for the first time ever! Look for pictures in the weeks to come! =)

Better Late Than Never

2009-06-02T21:01:00.006-04:00

I'm nearly a month overdue on when I said I would write a new entry but, as my title suggests, it's better late than never. I guess I had been under the impression that I would have loads of free time after classes ended but that has hardly been the case. My days are still filled. Not with the most interesting stuff, albeit, but still filled. When I haven't written in a while, my dilemma is trying to remember everything that has happened. And a lot has happened. Unfortunately, my blogs won't be quite as fun to read as Sara's and Molly's who are in Italy and Iceland, respectively. I'm jealous...I'll be the first to admit that. I'm in Greenville, NC, for goodness sakes. Speaking of which, over these last couple weeks, I've been absolutely itching to get out of the country. I think it's because all my friends are rendezvousing through Europe this summer. It's been far too long since I did the same. My favorite teacher from high school, Ms. Coleman (though she has recently allowed me to call her my her first name, Season) recently joined Facebook and she mentioned a trip to Spain that is coming up in summer 2010. I'm seriously considering making this trip a reality for me. I've never been to Spain and it would be a great graduation gift (that my parents don't know about yet). I long to travel the world!

Ok, so...on to my life update. I will try to be as brief as possible, for your sake. ;)

I finished my first year of grad school. It's difficult to wrap my mind around, especially since we don't have an official break for the summer...so I feel like the year is just continuing (which, technically, I suppose it is). So let me rephrase that. I completed my second semester of graduate school. And can I just tell you that second semester was, to be blunt, HELL. I've never had a more difficult semester in all my school years. On the same day, we started our internships and began seeing clients on our own. Simultaneously, we were trying to wrap up our classes (a.k.a. we had papers, exams, and presentations to make it through) and most of us were completing the last of our assistantships. Some of us (me) were also starting new assistantships with Greene County Healthcare and trying to make time to shadow MFTs at those locations. It was RIDICULOUS. We were losing sleep (I pulled on all-nighter at the clinic with Sam on my 23rd birthday...I should NOT know that the cleaning lady comes at 5am...but I do and how I found out makes for a funny story - ask me sometime), not eating well, and not getting much exercise. I can't speak for anyone else but I had really let myself go and I'm paying now for the bad habits I acquired during those weeks (i.e. eating when I get stressed, which is often, and passing on the gym for a nap - hey, you gotta do what you gotta do). Let's just say that a huge sigh of relief was heard among the MFTs on May 7th when the semester was officially over. For the first time in about a month, we didn't have 10 million tasks hanging over our heads. It was nice. And to celebrate, I headed home for the weekend.

Before I proceed to the next part of my update, I should note that I've started dating someone. His name is James and we met at the Hibernian in Raleigh during my Spring Break. It was a totally unexpected meeting, believe me. I'll explain. The night of Laura's bachelorette party, I arrived back at Meredith and Molly let me in the dorm (darn outdated CamCard). As it was, she and her friend Rasika (who I ended up liking very much) were going downtown to the Hibernian and asked if I wanted to go. I had driven to Raleigh from home that day and had been going ever since. I was exhausted and disheveled...in no shape to hit the bars. But it was my Spring Break and I didn't want to pass up an opportunity for fun. Well, after we arrived at the Hibernian, I began regretting my decision. The three of us were descended upon by a very drunk, very obnoxious man from Boston who was watching the basketball game and being quite vocal about which team he wanted to win. As irritating as he was, he was also entertaining...but as soon as he learned that Molly was from Boston, Rasika and I no longer existed. I was bored and my glass was empty. Crisis. To make a long story short, James and two of his friends, Tadd and Kendall, ended up rescuing us from the drunk Bostonian and inviting us to sit at their table for a bit...which we did until 2am. We saw them the next night (this time with Hillary) and the next night (with Ashley). James and I have been together ever since (though it didn't become official until April 24th). Coincidentally, Molly ended up dating James's friend, Kendall...which works out nicely for double dates and whatnot. :) So, there's the backstory.

The weekend after classes ended, James and I both went home (our homes are about 45 minutes or so from each other) and met each other's families. I got off easy on this one. I met his parents and two brothers (Jason who is older and Michael who is younger). Everyone was very nice. Well, I assume Jason is nice. He'd just woken from a nap and, like me, he isn't very conversational after just waking up. I understood though. James, however, had the pleasure of attending my Grandma's surprise 75th birthday party and met about 50 members of my family at once (that may be a bit of an exaggeration but there were lots of people). I think he had a good time and everyone seemed to like him, especially that he's a bit of a country boy. My family is big on that sort of thing. And he had the opportunity to see me dance, which is pretty rare. Below is a picture of when my Grandma realized she had just walked into her surprise party. I love her face.

The next day was Mother's Day and graduation at Meredith, which I attended with my own mother. It was absolutely surreal to be watching the Class of 2009 graduate. I could not (and still cannot) believe that a year has passed since I graduated from college. So much has happened in this last year! I was super jealous too. Class of 2009 was able to have Class Day and graduation in the gorgeous Meredith amphitheatre whereas my graduation was rained out. Meredith students dream of graduating there and I didn't get the chance to. Clearly, I'm still bitter about it. Even so, it was good to see Hillary graduate there. I'm quite proud of her.

So, what's happened since that eventful weekend? I've been seeing clients on my own for nearly 2 months now (also hard to believe) and it's had its ups and downs. I've also started doing integrated care as a Medical Family Therapist at two medical centers in Snow Hill, NC. I have to admit that integrated care has not been my favorite. However, I'm trying to have a more positive attitude about my assistantship. Being negative only makes my days longer. And if the positivity starts to fade, it will all be over July 31st. :) Team began a couple weeks ago. Team consists of watching a live therapy session through the two-way mirror. Damon is my supervisor and I have a great team - Jodi, Kristy, Sam, Jamie, and Marina. Even so, I'm nervous about having my turn in front of them. I don't have a client yet who is willing to do team but I know it's only a matter of time. When that time does come, I will surely be scared out of my mind. I don't like being watched - it makes me so nervous - but I guess it's something I will have to get past. So far, it's been an enjoyable experience. It's just funny to me because, when I first heard of team, it seemed so far away...

Molly stayed with me in Greenville until she left for Iceland last Friday. I was really excited about her visit and it ended up being a great time. It made me realize that I would like a roommate. It was refreshing to have someone to come home to, to talk to at night, to vent to when I had a bad day, and to have dinner with. I'd forgotten how nice that was because I've been living in solitude for so long! She was a great roomie...especially when she cooked dinner or baked cookies (love ya, Molly). The day she left, she woke up to tell me goodbye before I took off for the clinic and it didn't hit me until I was in the car that I was quite sad to see her go. I almost wanted to cry a little bit. But she'll only be abroad for a month and I think I can handle that.

I've been trying to spend as much time with James as possible which, unfortunately, is limited to the weekends due to our schedules. What I failed to mention earlier is that James is in the Army and will be deploying at the end of the summer. I'm sure it just became a bit clearer as to why I'm desperate to spend time with him. I won't delve too much into how unfair this all is and how we're hardly able to be together before we're ripped apart for a year. Nope, I'm just going to say that I'm taking it the best I can. I don't want to think about August. I'm a little bit in denial. I saw him in his uniform last weekend for the first time and it made everything more real for me. Anyway, enough of that for now.

Memorial Day weekend, James and I, along with Molly and Kendall and a friend of the boys', Jesse and his girlfriend, Janna, went to Carolina Beach for a mini-vacation that we all needed. We ate at some really good restaurants, spent a beautiful day in the sun, and just enjoyed being carefree with each other. It was VERY hard to return to Greenville. Summer means the beach for me and I definitely want to go back...soon.

That's the gist of my last several weeks. I will attempt to update with more regularity in the future so as not to write a novel!

I've Missed Blogging

2009-04-20T00:22:00.002-04:00

Therefore, I will be back with an update very, very soon (think May 7ish). My life has changed quite a bit over the last several weeks. Some changes were expected, some not. I look forward to writing all about it :).

Mini Update

2009-03-10T23:53:00.004-04:00

Is it really March? How is that possible? How is it possible that I will start doing therapy - real therapy - in a little over a month? Do I sound nervous? Am I asking too many questions? Ok, I'll stop that for now.

But really, 2009 is flying by. This is both a good and bad thing. Lord knows I'm ready to be done with school BUT I'm not entirely ready for all the changes on the horizon. On April 15th, we are able to start seeing clients. Ahh! AND (as if that were not enough) we start our internships. Mine will be at the Family Violence Program of Pitt County. It was my first choice so I'm quite excited about that but also slightly terrified. Domestic violence is not a light subject, after all. It will be a challenge and I think I have my work cut out for me. We're currently on Spring Break and that's hard for me to believe. Last semester, I felt like I was waiting and waiting for Fall Break and this semester - boom - Spring Break. I was supposed to be in Orlando right now but alas, that fell through...for a couple different reasons. I think I made the right choice on that front though, in retrospect. Oh well...I hope my friends have had a good time.

Last weekend was Tiffany's bachelorette party and it was a pretty wild night. Tiffany is married now! That's hard to wrap my mind around. Actually, it's hard to imagine any of my friends getting married. Am I really old enough to be getting married? Well, obviously, I'm not getting married but to have friends who are is a bit of a reality check. Tiffany was my RA freshmen year and that's how we met. Then, she became my feminist role model of sorts. We lost touch for a bit last year but we've since reconnected. Unfortunately, she and her new hubby are moving to Canada in the spring. Hopefully, we'll stay in touch via Facebook and e-mail. I'll miss her.

Speaking of weddings, Laura and Aaron's wedding is this Saturday. Again, hard to believe. This will surely be the highlight of my Spring Break. I'm quite excited to be a bridesmaid and to have a part in their big day. They're a great couple. I hope someday to meet someone who I mesh with as well as they do. Ah, I can dream...

Death to Cupid...Or Maybe Not ;)

2009-02-16T21:35:00.003-05:00

There are just never enough hours in the day...never. And you know, I've been so much better at getting up early than I ever was in undergrad but I don't feel like I get that much more accomplished. 2009 has been a busy year so far but what's more is that it's actually been...fun. Who would have thought?

I feel like I've gotten so much closer to the members of my cohort. It's as though something transformed over Christmas break. Not that I didn't enjoy them last semester...I did. It just feels different now. I think these are people who I will definitely stay in contact with beyond graduation. This Thursday, there will be a meshing of my Raleigh/Greenville friends. Several of the MFTs (and a couple boyfriends) are going with me to see The Vagina Monologues at Meredith. It will be the first time any of them have met. I'm excited but also a little nervous. I hope everyone gets along. Not that they'll have a whole lot of time to not get along that evening. I'm wondering how I will feel about watching the VMs as opposed to being in them. I really do miss that. Being a part of the VMs is such a bonding and empowering experience. I'm not sure that, had I done them at ECU this year, it would have been the same. There's just something about being backstage with your best friends, dressed in red and black, and talking about vaginas. You can't beat it. I am looking forward to my Greenville friends seeing this Meredith place I'm always going on about.

Speaking of which, I was at Meredith this weekend. I had the opportunity to see Schoolgirl Figure, starring none other than my Lil Sis, Sara. It was a comedy about high school girls with eating disorders. They compete to see who will be the skinniest and whoever is, wins "The Bradley". You might be wondering how a play about eating disorders could possibly be a comedy...I had wondered that myself. But it was so FUNNY. The writer took something serious and made it humorous. I can't even describe how she did it. Throughout the play, I kept thinking, "Should I be laughing at this?" I almost felt guilty. It was a great show, though, and Sara was hilarious as usual. She really has a knack for comedy. Aside from seeing the play, I had cupcakes with Hillary and Molly and was able to meet up with Tiffany for dinner. This Raleigh experience was much better than the last one I had.

The next day was Laura and Aaron's wedding shower. It was going to take place in Cary and I just KNEW I would get lost on the way there. Sure enough...I got extremely lost. I literally had no idea where I was. That made getting directions from Aaron a bit more difficult. Somehow, I finally made it there...and only 45 minutes late! The shower ended up being a lot of fun though. It was nice to meet Laura and Aaron's families and it made the reality of the wedding sink it. I can't believe it's in less than a month! Laura is my first close friend to get married. Next comes Tiffany, Ashley, Jamie, and Rasheeka. Wow. It's no wonder I have this fear that all my friends are going to get married and leave me behind. I really am happy for Laura and Aaron though. They are fantastic people who happen to be great for each other. I am really blessed to have them as friends.

Back in Greenville, it was time for Kristy's birthday dinner. I wasn't in the best of moods when getting ready to go out that night. First of all, it was Valentine's Day...the first in 5 or 6 years that I didn't have a boyfriend. It was a little strange, a little sad, for me. I had been looking forward to meeting a friend of Jamie and Will's who was coming to the party. I thought that might brighten my V-Day a bit. Well, that is, until I found out he wasn't coming. Apparently, he was having car issues. Of course he was. Anyway, I didn't want that to ruin my evening. So I put on my cute new dress and went out. I ended up having a really good time too. Valentine's Day turned out to be much better than I had expected...even without a Valentine of my own.

2009 Thus Far

2009-01-22T18:33:00.004-05:00

I just realized that I've only posted once in 2009...and that just can't be. A lot has happened since January 5th. I'll give a run-down, elaborating on what I find to be the most interesting (if you disagree, sorry!).

I returned to Greenville on the 10th. I have to be honest, I was NOT looking forward to it. I wanted to see my cohort but I did not want to start a new semester. I had gotten really attached to waking up when I wanted to, doing what I wanted to do, etc. I knew it was going to be hard to give that up. So far, it hasn't been too bad, as far as falling back into school habits. However, it is sad to think that was probably the last time I'll have that much free time for a long while. Welcome to the REAL WORLD, right?

Classes began and were, as usual, a bit overwhelming. Looking at the syllabus (or 4 syllabi, in my case) makes your head want to explode. Or maybe that's just me. This semester will be especially challenging because, in April, we begin our internships as well as seeing clients...on top of classes and an assistantship. It will be a lot to balance but I like to think that, in the end, we will be better for it. Someone please remind me of that when I'm going through it. I'm taking two seminar classes which are supposed to prepare us for the practicum we have over the summer. I have to admit that I was very nervous about these classes, mostly because I didn't know what to expect. "Seminar" is not very informative and, as someone who has some OCD tendencies, I like to know what I'm getting myself into. Our professor for Seminar II is Damon, who we had last semester and are all very familiar with. For Seminar I, however, we have David who I had only HEARD about. Nothing bad...mostly that people were intimidated by him. Well, I can see why. This became abundantly clear when, upon entering the classroom on the first day, the only seat open to me was right next to him. This did not do much for my anxiety. But, after expressing my anxiety to the class on the topic of transitioning from student to therapist, he grabbed my hand, asked Jodi to grab my other hand, and asked if I trusted them. I do...and that made me feel better - as though it was okay to be vulnerable, even in front of someone who scared me a little bit. I like the fact that these seminar classes are for only my cohort because I think they will help to bring us closer together. Also, I feel more comfortable speaking up. I kicked myself sometimes last semester for being so quiet.

I went to Raleigh the weekend after classes started...this was both a good and bad idea for me. It was to be the first time all my friends had been together since September, before Hillary left for Austria, and I was excited about the reunion. I arrived on Sunday and was able to spend a nice afternoon with Hillary and Molly, as well as having dinner with Sarah B. (which was great because we hadn't seen each other since November). I feel a plethora of emotions when I'm at Meredith. On the one hand, I am so happy to be back in a place that I love. Greenville has been, and still is to some extent, unfamiliar to me and to be back on my own turf is really refreshing. Also, I love being with my friends and it's easy to pretend that I'm still a student there. On the other hand, because Meredith brings back so many good memories for me, my life as it is now sort of pales in comparison. And that makes it hard to come back to Greenville. So, what happened the next day was pretty upsetting. I had planned to stay in Raleigh until Tuesday because my friends and I were going out Monday day - something we had been looking forward to for several weeks. However, early Monday afternoon, my mom calls and informs me that it is supposed to snow several inches in both Raleigh and Greenville and that it would be wise for me to go home that day. I didn't take that news so well. Ashley was coming in from Ramseur and Sara was just returning from seeing her boyfriend...right as I was about to walk out the door. I felt really deprived of my time with them and I realized how lonely I was going to feel coming home, especially knowing that they were going out that night without me. That single event opened a can of worms.

After I returned to Greenville, I had a mini-crisis (I've had a lot of those over the past few months). I was thinking very seriously about quitting the MFT program. I even went as far as to start researching other grad programs as well as what I could do with a BA in psychology (ha - nothing). To make a long (and painful) story short, a friend really talked some sense into me and made me realize that getting my Masters (whether I choose to practice therapy or not) is opening lots of doors for me. I don't want to deny myself that opportunity.

So...the moral of the story? I am trying very hard to think more positively, take it one day at a time, and remember that there are lots of people who love me and want to see me succeed, no matter what I happen to succeed at. And those people are the ones I can turn to when I have my mini-crises (or mega crises) in the future.

The Holidays

2009-01-05T16:30:00.003-05:00

It's really hard to believe that the holidays are over. It seems like just yesterday that I was coming home. And in a few days, I'll be heading back to Greenville. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about that yet. It's going to be hard to give up the free time. My time at home has had its ups and downs but I've enjoyed being here. It's nice to always have someone to talk to.

Christmas went surprisingly well. The day before Christmas Eve, we had my mom's side of the family over for our traditional dinner and exchanging of gifts. This is always an adventure. One year, a piece of tissue paper caught on fire and THAT was a sight to see. Nothing like that happened this year but I still ended up having a really good time. After everyone left though, I started feeling a bit down. Something was just missing from the gathering. It didn't take much thought to realize what that was. I had a good cry with my mom and felt a little better.

On Christmas Eve, I met up in Randleman with a few of my high school friends - Amy, Cole, Emily, Ashley, and, Ashley's fiance, Jordan. This was the first time we had all been together in a very long time. At first, it was slightly awkward, as though we weren't quite sure what to say to each other. After a few minutes though, it was if nothing had really changed. We were laughing and talking as we always had. One of the main topics of conversation was where our old classmates are now. It was shocking how many of them are married and/or have kids...some people I would have NEVER imagined. That just made me feel old. We ended up staying for about 3 hours and I was actually kind of sad to leave.

I was in a bit of a bad mood later on Christmas Eve. I didn't mean to be. It was just that, for one, the Christmas spirit had still not taken hold of me, and, secondly, I was just really missing Ben. Nothing like the holidays to make you miss the people who aren't around anymore. We didn't usually spend Christmas Eve together but he was still very much in my thoughts. I became more cheerful, though, as the night went on. My mood change just happened to coincide with opening presents :). My parents framed my Meredith diploma and that was definitely one of the best gifts I could have received. I nearly started crying.

Christmas Day was mainly uneventful as we don't normally do very much. Again, I was thinking quite a bit of Ben. For the past three years, I've had dinner with him and his family on Christmas Day. It was strange to just hang out around the house instead of getting ready to go out. I kept wondering what he was doing, if his Christmas was going well... These thoughts didn't bring me down too much though. I wanted to enjoy what was left of the holiday.

My dad's family came over for dinner and gifts the following weekend. Ashley was also able to come, which I was really excited about. She'd never been to my house before and I was glad she'd be there to fill a bit of the void I'd felt at my last family get-together. I was sad to see everyone go that night. It meant that Christmas was officially over and that has been a depressing realization to me since I was little.

The Sunday after Christmas, Amy and I went to see Mercy Mercedes in Greensboro. If you haven't heard of them, Mercy Mercedes is a local band who are beginning to make it quite big (they're on iTunes, for goodness sakes). My ex-boyfriend, Tom, is the bassist and several of the guys went to Randleman High. It felt a little strange, at first, to be hanging out with Amy one on one. Not strange in a bad way, just...unpracticed. It had been a long time since just she and I went out. We had a nice dinner at the Olive Garden, a couple drinks downtown, and then made our way to Greene Street for the show. The band did really well and you could tell the crowd loved them. It was a bit surreal to see Tom up there with all these girls screaming. He's something of a rock star now, I suppose. After the show, Amy mentioned talking to Tom and I began to freak out a little. It had been quite a while since I'd seen him and I just didn't want to stand there awkwardly. It turned out to be less awkward then I'd expected though. His girlfriend was there. She was cute and seemed nice enough but...it's just never fun to see your ex with his new girlfriend. Never fun. It was a good night though, overall.

New Years Eve was another day I had not been looking forward to. Last year, it was a really fun evening. This year, I had absolutely nothing planned. I knew all my friends would want to be with their significant others so I didn't even bother to ask if they could hang out with me. It didn't turn out so badly though. I watched the ball drop on 2009 with my parents and then we played a game together. No, it wasn't a party and I didn't get a New Years kiss but...it could have been worse. I could have been completely alone.

I'd planned on doing a short reflection on 2008 but, as I've already written quite a bit here, I think I'll save that for later.

Blue Christmas? I hope not.

2008-12-23T01:02:00.005-05:00

This break has not been what I expected...thus far. Maybe I go looking for bad things. I was thinking about that today. Perhaps the reason these things keep happening is because I keep expecting them to happen. At the same time, I'm almost afraid to not expect them when they've been happening so often. I'll explain.

I went to visit Hillary in Raleigh on Saturday. She had just gotten back from Austria and I was very excited to see her again. It's interesting how it was. As soon as we were alone (I picked her up from Travis's), it was as though no time had passed. We were just chatting and laughing as we always have. We had lunch at Whole Foods and ended up sitting there for probably two hours, just talking. A bit later, we ended up at Starbucks for coffee and more talking. I'm surprised I didn't lose my voice. But it was so NICE. No one else gets me as well as Hillary does. She can just look at me and know what I'm feeling/thinking. I mean, sure, that can get annoying when I don't really want her to know these things but, most of the time, it just reminds me why she's my best friend. I am so very glad she's back in the country. Anyway, that evening, we went back to Travis's and, eventually, started watching Love Actually. A few things started happening at once. Suddenly, I was very aware of Hillary and Travis, cuddling on the couch. Now, don't get me wrong...I really like Travis and I'm so glad Hillary found someone like him. I'm happy for them. However, right now, it's just difficult for me to be around couples...especially if there is no one else there to distract me. Also, the movie was starting to get to me. I LOVE this movie but it's a love story and I was tired. When I'm tired, any emotion that I'm feeling is amplified. At the moment, I was feeling sad. So, I started to cry. I wanted to be discreet though so I just sank deeper into the couch (Hillary and Travis were on the other one) and tried to hide. No dice though. Hillary totally knew I was upset (example of what I was explaining earlier) and she had a good feeling about why. I told her later that, sometimes, it hits me how very much I miss Ben. I start picturing his face and things he used to say and, all of a sudden, I just can't hold it in. It was like that that night. And it was sort of embarrassing. I don't like to break down in front of other people. Hillary was okay but Travis was there too and I just hope he didn't feel too awkward. It was a bit of a rough night for me.

When Hillary and I were driving from Whole Foods to her house on Saturday, my car started to overheat. Mike (her "stepdad", though she'd rather not refer to him as such) put some water and coolant in my car but to no avail. We tested it on Sunday and, after just a leisurely drive around the neighborhood, it was overheating again. Great. Not to mention typical of my lovely Ford Probe. My dad ended up having to pick me up from Raleigh. My car has a knack for breaking down when I'm away from home. We were hoping it was just the thermostat but found out today that it's the water pump, which is more expensive. Double great. Hillary was gracious enough to let me tag along with her to Outback where she was having lunch with her family. It ended up being a really nice meal that I enjoyed so I guess the afternoon didn't end too badly. And I apologized to Hillary for being so emo.

For Christmas, I ordered my mom a subscription to the new Food Network magazine and was excited to give it to her. Today, however, sort of ruined that surprise. She checked the mail this afternoon and found a postcard that said something along the lines of "Melissa Staley has ordered a subscription of the Food Network magazine for you". I tried to grab it out of her hands but she had already seen it. I was so pissed. I could only get two things for my mom and one was already ruined...three days before Christmas. This small event was the last straw. I broke down, babbling about how this Christmas has just sucked...for the obvious reasons along with everything else that has been happening. I know that if these things had occurred last year, it would have been frustrating but I wouldn't have thought too much about it. This year, however, it just feels like things are piling up. I want to change my attitude about life but that's easier said than done, believe me. I've been making conscious efforts but, when you've been stuck in such a pessimistic mindset for so long, it's difficult to change. I'm hoping that the new year will bring me better strength. I know that life will deal you some blows and I want to be better able to deal with them than I have lately.

Perhaps my next blog will bring better news :-/

Standing at a Crossroads

2008-12-17T18:37:00.003-05:00

I don't have a set topic in mind for this entry...so do excuse me if I ramble a bit.

First of all, the semester is finally OVER. Yes, I survived my first semester in graduate school. It's hard to believe, especially with all the little obstacles I encountered along the way. Ooh, and another bit of good news...I made ALL A's! It's very exciting. I was a little worried about, at least, one of my classes (Ethics was HARD) but I persevered. That was a nice Christmas present that I gave to myself. When I look back on it, I don't know how I managed to concentrate on school with everything else that was going on in my life, especially at the beginning of the semester. Of course, having a certain distraction removed (albeit, not by choice) did make it easier to focus on my work. When everything was over, I wanted to make sure that I thanked the people who helped me through the semester. One of them told me that, as great as it is that I made it through, the feeling of insecurity never really goes away. That didn't surprise me much. I've felt insecure my entire life, I told him, so I'm used to it at this point. I do hope that, someday, it does fade a bit. I have a difficult time thinking about the semesters to come though. It just stresses me out a little...especially when I consider starting my internship. I'm ready to know NOW where it's going to be. I've been looking into the Family Violence Program of Pitt County. I would love to work with victims of domestic violence. I don't know why but that issue has always been one that's close to my heart. I hope that site does work out for me. It really just comes down to how many contact and relational hours I would be able to get there. If it's going to hold me back from getting the hours I need to graduate, despite the great experience I would gain, I almost can't see the point in working there. Most of the other possible internship sites don't interest me that much because they're mainly medical. I don't plan to go into medical family therapy and, from what I've seen, the work the MFTs do at those sites is very brief...not exactly what I'd originally pictured. But I guess we'll just have to see how it all pans out.

I've been home for the holidays since Friday and it's been...alright. It's been really nice to just lounge around, watch TV, read books I actually want to read. But, unfortunately, I'm already longing for human interaction outside of my parents. I've sort of made plans to hang out with Ashley (since she lives so close) but that won't be happening until after Christmas. Cole and I had talked about hanging out but, as far as I know, he isn't home yet. Sarah works all the time. Molly and Sara are at home, out of state, for Christmas. James, who I had originally made plans with back in October, suddenly has a new girlfriend and couldn't care less about doing something with me, apparently. My high school friends and I have made tentative plans for after Christmas...which should be fun but, perhaps, a little awkward since we haven't all been together in a very long time. Honestly though, I'm looking forward to it. Amy and I are actually going to see Mercy Mercedes (with a trip to the Olive Garden beforehand, perhaps) on the 28th. That will be the first time she and I have done anything one on one in a while too. It will also be the first time I've seen Tom in quite a while...not that he'll even know I'm there, surely. I think a lot of people are due to be at that show. Anyway, I really am happy at the prospect of seeing these people who have sort of slipped out of my life.

Hillary will be home from Austria tomorrow and I'm quite excited about that. I'm not meeting her at the airport as initially planned but I will be going to Raleigh for a visit on Saturday. I wonder if it will be weird at all or if we'll just fall right back into place. I'm thinking that the latter is more likely. We don't have anything planned for the day as of yet but I'll just be glad to see my best friend again. This was really the worst semester she could have been away...for me anyway. But at least I was able to talk to her over AIM (since she broke down and got it) and Skype. Lord knows I've missed her.

To my readers...I'm sorry if my blogs are depressing. It has recently come to my attention that they sort of are. That isn't my intention. I don't try to be such a pessimist. I think that's just where I am right now. I'm at a crossroads and it isn't comfortable. I was talking to someone a couple weeks ago about my current situation and she said that, apparently, I'm just going to be miserable for a while. Great. Who wants to hear that? I'm not saying she was wrong though. I think I have a lot of work to do.

Low

2008-12-06T21:38:00.001-05:00

As I promised…here is my first real entry in over a month. Sorry it’s taken so long for me to get back to this thing. It’s been an absolutely crazy few weeks and I’m so glad to be looking at the end of them. Six days from today and I’m able to go home for Christmas. It’s been a long time coming.

I’m feeling a little low tonight, thanks to a few different things. The weekend hasn’t been bad at all so far, actually. Yesterday, I went to Raleigh to meet up with Sara, Molly, and Ashley so we could exchange gifts. We also got a cookie cake (those things are way too good) and saw Twilight (yes, it was my 3^rd time – don’t judge). It was so much fun to see it with them because they’re just as obsessed as I am. And watching Sara drool over Jasper was pretty fun too. When I’m with them, especially when we’re at Meredith, everything feels right again. It’s like nothing has changed, nothing bad has happened over these last few months. I’m happy again. The hardest part is always leaving…because then, I’m brought back to reality. I’m not a Meredith student anymore, I don’t live in Stringfield. I’m a grad student at ECU and I live in Greenville. Sigh. If Meredith had had a graduate program in marriage and family therapy, I would have seriously considered getting myself even further in debt to enroll in it. I miss that school, my friends, and Raleigh so much every day. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve met some nice people here but…it can just never been the same. And I’m fooling myself if I think it can.

Tonight was the MFT Christmas party and it was…nice. I’m just horrible in social situations. I always feel so awkward. It didn’t help that within 20 minutes of being there, I opened a bottle of soda and it exploded on me. And I screamed. Great. I just don’t feel like I know anyone very well outside of my cohort. I’m only familiar with a few of the second years, mostly my “buddy” Angela and I hardly know the doctorate students at all. Of all the professors I’ve had, the only one who was there was Damon. Of course, I didn’t know anyone’s spouse or children. I felt very out of place…and I think it showed. I hate being in those situations. I feel like I cling on to one person or a couple people and I end up following them around all night, which I’m sure is a little annoying. It also reminded me of how alone I am in Greenville. I have no husband, not even a boyfriend, no children, no family here… Of course, even if Ben and I were still together, I really doubt he could have made it to this party. It’s just hard seeing all the couples together, looking very happy, and knowing that I’m going home to my empty apartment. I had the option of going over to Kristy’s tonight…a few other people were going over but, honestly, I just wasn’t in the mood anymore. As lonely as I feel, I just wanted to be…alone. I guess this is just sort of the way it’s going to be for a while, huh? I need to get used to it. I’m kind of glad tonight is over.

It will come as no surprise that I am feeling a lot of pressure to get into a relationship, get married. I feel a little bit like an outcast among the other people in my program and, to a lesser degree, among my best friends. It’s really difficult to go from being someone who was in a long term relationship to being single. It’s a big adjustment in almost every aspect of life. I know I shouldn’t compare myself to anyone else but nearly everyone I know is in a relationship and I feel really left out. I can’t help thinking, “Why not me? What’s wrong with me?” And then I get into a really awkward situation like tonight and I realize…oh, that’s what’s wrong with me. Who wants to be with the girl who is never put together, never knows the right thing to say…?

Sorry to be such a downer tonight...it's just the mood I'm in.

Promise of an Update

2008-11-29T20:58:00.003-05:00

For those of you who actually read my blog, I apologize for not updating more regularly. When I started this thing, the semester was much more calm that it has been in the past weeks. We're in the final stretch now though and I can FINALLY see the light at the end of the tunnel. Therefore, I promise a long update soon...probably after December 3, in fact. So thank you again for reading. You will definitely hear from me in the coming weeks. :)

Post-Election Excitement...and Attachment Theory

2008-11-05T12:14:00.002-05:00

It has been a historical week for America. Last night, we elected the first ever African American president of the United States. And on a more local level, North Carolina elected our first ever female governor. It was really a momentus election.

I can't say that I would have been heartbroken if John McCain had won. While I don't agree with many of his or Sarah Palin's principles, I find it hard to believe that the next four years could be any worse than the last eight. Then again, maybe they could. Hopefully, with Barack Obama in office, we won't find out. I have to admit though that I was a little nervous at the beginning of last night when I saw that McCain started with 13 electoral votes and Obama with only 3. I was starting to worry that everyone I'd talked to had been wrong...we might end up with yet another Republican president. Anyway, all this isn't really what I wanted to write about. What I really wanted to highlight was the history that was made last night. This became very obvious with the coverage of one particular church in Atlanta, GA. Everyone in there was just ecstatic when Obama won. For many of them, this was something they never thought they would live to see...a black president. I mean, when the Civil Rights Movement started, who would have fathomed such a thing? America has really made some progress. And just for the record, I did not vote for Barack Obama because he's black. I voted for him because I think it's time for a change. You can't continue doing the same thing when that thing is no longer working. Secondly, I voted for him because he believes in reproductive freedom for women. And thirdly, I voted for him because, like me, he wants to see our troops come home from the war. I have a hard time understanding how anyone could be for war. But again, that's me.

If you haven't heard Obama's speech after his victory was announced last night, I suggest you find it somewhere. It was pretty amazing. I literally cried. I didn't think I would, but I did. For some reason, everytime he starts talking about Michelle and his kids, I lose it. No, I didn't sob or anything but it was emotional. Even Jesse Jackson was crying. It was also memorable when he mentioned the 106 year old woman who came out to vote. That makes me a little irritated with the young, able-bodied people who did not. I mean, each to their own, sure...but how can you not be interested in who will be running your country for the next 4 years? I never thought I would be into politics like this. I certainly wasn't the year I voted for the first time. But, last night, I couldn't drag myself away from the TV and I'm glad to be much more politically aware this time around.

On a totally different note, something in Dr. Hill's class really grabbed my attention this morning. We were discussing attachment theory and the components of a secure attachment. These were things like warmth and affection, responsiveness and sensitivity, comfort and security, etc. He told a story about a graduate student of his who was upset over her recent breakup (right then, I knew this was going to hit close to home for me). She was blaming herself for everything that had gone wrong and really putting her ex-boyfriend on a pedestal. Dr. Hill brought up the components of secure attachment and asked if her boyfriend exhibited these things. Of course, he didn't have all of them. And most of us wouldn't. But his story made me look at my relationship with Ben and which of the components he had or provided me with. The one I feel was missing the most was comfort and security. I never really knew where I stood with Ben. Was he dating me because he wanted to be with me for the rest of his life or just until something better came along (like a Ph.D. program)? I was never entirely sure. Then there were times when he would mention going abroad for his education (in addition to the year he spent in Scotland). That was, of course, terrifying for me because that meant even more time apart...very far apart. What sticks out for me the most, though, was a time right before he left for Atlanta. I was very upset about the impending separation and he "comforted" me by saying that, no matter what, I would find someone who would make me happy and he would find someone who would make him happy. I understand where he was going with that, but it just was NOT what I wanted to hear at that moment. That's something I won't soon forget.

I didn't mean to end on a negative note. And really, it's not so negative. Realizing that, while mine and Ben's relationship was very good for a long time, it wasn't perfect. Hopefully, now, I can find someone who can give me the comfort and security I didn't always feel with him.

True Believer? We'll See...

2008-10-21T20:30:00.005-04:00

I'm watching House and blogging at the same time so my writing may seem a bit...distracted. I try to combine my fun activities so that I don't feel like I'm spending too much time in leisure. I feel like I've taken a lot of leisure time the past couple days, though, and I know it's really going to catch up with me. This weekend, for instance, I have SO much I need to take care of. The due date for my biggest paper so far this semester is approaching quickly and I haven't started yet. It worries me but I think I'm trying to downplay how important the paper is so I won't stress out too much. I haven't decided yet if that's healthy.

A conversation we had in class yesterday sort of rubbed me the wrong way. Damon was at a conference last week that focused on marriage and how to encourage it. He brought back this handout to share with us about a study that was done on 18-30 year olds. It broke them into categories like "scared single", "young cavaliers", and "romantic" based on their feelings toward marriage (I think I'm a "true believer", by the way, someone who sees marriage as a cornerstone). We spent about an hour discussing this handout and, of course, marriage. One of the women in my class made a comment that made me think. She said that the longer you wait to get married, the harder it is because your selection pool gets smaller. Well, yeah. I mean, I had thought about that before but it hit me harder now that I'm single. As I looked around, I realized that Jodi, Bryan, and I are the only single people in our cohort. Everyone else is well on their way to getting married (so to speak). Marina is already married. Brooke is getting married in November. Several of the others are cohabiting. And the clock is just ticking for me. I know, I know...I'm only 22. But how old will I be when I meet someone I could see myself marrying? That could be several years from now and a couple more years before we do get married. Am I going to end up an old, crazy cat lady? I don't even have a cat... The good news is that, the older you are when you get married, the better chance it has to last. That's my little ray of sunshine, I guess. I'm not sure why I want to get married so badly. It hasn't always been like that but the older I get, the more important it is to me. Maybe it's because, everywhere I look, people I know are getting engaged/married. Sarah was telling me last night about all the women in our class who have gotten married since graduation. The list was pretty long. And here I am. Single. No prospects. Sigh.

I really feel like I need a change. I think my life is yearning for it. I've been thinking about cutting and dying my hair. I'm tired of seeing the same old thing in the mirror. Everything in my life has been turned upside down since I moved to Greenville and I'm just trying to keep up.

I'm getting excited about Halloween and I hope I have some trick-or-treaters. I wish I didn't have so many papers to do so I could properly celebrate ;).

Camp Recap

2008-10-19T22:25:00.002-04:00

Is it really the end of the weekend? Where did it go? Sigh. It's been a weekend unlike any other I've had. Friday morning, I drove to Arapahoe for Camp WholeHeart. The trip in itself was pretty interesting because I got a little lost. That's my lack of direction sense for you, and the fact that camp was way back in the boondocks. I finally arrived in time for lunch and a lot of preparation before the kids showed up. When they did, chaos ensued. But it was nice to finally put faces with the names I've been reading for months. Soon, it was time for dinner and I have to say that Camp Don Lee (where Camp WholeHeart was held) knows how to do food. It certainly wasn't the camp food I had imagined. After dinner, we held the "opening ceremonies" because the theme for camp this year was the Olympics. I'm not sure that all the kids really got the significance of it but it was still fun to watch. The final event of the night was the campfire and, of course, smores. One of the campers, Alivia, latched herself onto me for the campfire, saying that we were going to be "the very best of friends". Yikes. I wasn't sure how to handle that but I was sweet to her. Did I mention that she was the one singing the national anthem at the TOP of her lungs? Needless to say, I was glad we were staying in different cabins. Don't get me wrong - she was a sweet kid, just a complete hand full. I went to bed that night at 9:30pm, which is typical of me only if I'm sick. I was just exhausted though. It was a good thing that I turned in early because I had a tough time sleeping. First of all, the kids were still up when I went to bed. So I could hear The Jonas Brothers and songs from the Grease soundtrack streaming in my window for the first couple hours. Oh, and little girls singing The Jonas Brothers...loudly. After that stopped, Nancy (my roommate) was really sawing some logs, if you know what I mean. She'd warned me that she snored but I didn't realize it would be that bad. I ended up falling asleep with my iPod on. Not ideal...but it worked. And I dreamed about Ben. Apparently, it was just meant to be a restless night.

Saturday, I decided to forget about taking a shower. We were at camp, right? And the bathroom wasn't exactly immaculate. But again, it was camp so what could I really expect? The day started with a big breakfast. Then, it was off to the different stations - nutrition, games, and arts and crafts. I was put in charge of the younger "Jamaican" boys (each camper was assigned to a different country) for the morning. It was my first time really being in charge of kids I didn't know and I think it went alright. After lunch, a variety of activities were planned for the campers that would keep them out of the rain and cold (originally, sailing had been on the agenda) but since I wasn't responsible for any kids at the time, I took a little nap instead. Then it was time for Tai Chi. I don't think the kids appreciated it much (I heard a lot of "This is weird!") but I really liked it. I wouldn't say that I felt an "overwhelming sense of calm" as the instructors mentioned but it was fun to do, nonetheless. Next, we had a guest speaker, Evelyn Oregon, who worked logistics at the Beijing Olympics. The kids had LOTS of questions for her and she handled it well. She met Michael Phelps! That's when you know you're big ;). After she spoke, it was time for me to head home. Visibility was bad already with the rain and I was a little nervous about driving on those back roads. I made it home though and it was so nice to have a hot shower, some soup, and Grey's Anatomy.

Today, I was pretty useless and not at all productive. I just couldn't keep my eyes open. I was able to get everything done that was absolutely necessary but that isn't saying much. Then, Marina had a get-together at her place this evening. Only Kristy, Jodi, and I showed up but it was still fun. We played a game I had never played before that made me feel a little dumb but I enjoyed it regardless. I'm really trying to be social because I know I have the tendency to isolate myself. I don't want to be a hermit. I used to give Ben such a hard time about being set in his ways but I am too. I think that happens when you live by yourself for a while. It's only been about 2 months for me and I'm already acting like an old lady.

As a final note, being at camp this weekend made me really want to watch the Olympics the next time around. They're so powerful. I can't believe I've never given them much attention. And, of course, the Olympics are going to be in London in 2012...my favorite city. I can't help but wonder where I'll be in 2012...

Is it Christmas Yet?

2008-10-16T23:17:00.003-04:00

It's almost the end of another week. I can't believe how quickly time is passing. In a way, it's good because Lord knows I am ready to be done with school. At the same time, I'm becoming overwhelmed by everything that is coming up in the next few weeks. Actually, the rest of the semester is going to be insane. Looking at my list of due dates makes me want to hyperventilate. Damon (one of my professors) told me that he hasn't enjoyed a Thanksgiving in years. That's really depressing, you know? I love Thanksgiving and I don't want to be stressed out the entire time. It'll probably be that way though. That's sort of how Fall Break was...I just couldn't let myself relax. I woke up after 10am one morning, my heart pounding. I can't sleep in anymore! And I'd promised myself I wouldn't do anything academic...I worked on assignments Saturday and Tuesday. So much for that promise. I suppose this is just something I'm going to have to get used to.

Speaking of Fall Break, it went by WAY too quickly. I couldn't believe that something I'd been looking forward to for a couple months was just here and gone in no time. On Friday, I went home for the first time since August...and I was looking forward to it. However, I didn't realize how much going home would remind me of Ben. I associate everything about home with him...my house, the town, the places we used to go. It was more difficult than I'd bargained for. Mom got me out of the house though, thank goodness. First, we went by her work to get her paycheck. What I found when we got there was that all her co-workers already knew my business...meaning, they knew about mine and Ben's breakup. Well, except one woman who told my mom I didn't come home to see her, I came home to see Ben. Ha. I set her straight real fast. Then, Mom and I grabbed some lunch and did a little shopping. There's nothing like retail therapy. I was in a much better mood after that. Later, we went to see The Women with my mom's twin.

Saturday didn't start off so well. My dad discovered that one of my tires was flat and came down on me about how dangerous that was, how I should have checked my tires before I left, etc. It didn't help that I was trying to work on a paper at the time. And did I mention that I was sitting in my almost empty bedroom that no longer even feels like my bedroom? It was depressing to just be in there. It reminded me of Ben too. Salt on the wound. Anyway, the tire dilemma was taken care of and the rest of Saturday was alright. Well, except for the small breakdown I had. Everything started to fall in on me...the empty bedroom, the constant reminder of Ben, the fact that I might be stuck in Pleasant Garden for the rest of my break and not be able to see my friends at all. Anyway, it wasn't a pretty picture...but I got over it. And the day ended with some baking :).

Sunday, I went to Raleigh and had dinner with Sara, Sarah, and Molly. It was nice to get together with them but it's never long enough. I feel like we're just falling back into our routine with each other when it's time to leave again. I really wish there had been an MFT program in Raleigh. Don't get me wrong, I'm really grateful for the people I've met in Greenville...I just miss that city and my old people. Raleigh is home to me.

On Monday, I had lunch with one of my Meredith professors and it was really good to catch up. He's probably 75% responsible for the fact that I'm even in graduate school. He pushed me to apply, take the GREs, write my personal statement (that was probably the biggest obstacle - I put that thing off for months). I know I wasn't easy to work with...I'm very stubborn when I want to be. So I have him to thank for actually doing something with my degree. After lunch, I swung by Sarah's to get my things and it was back to Greenville. Fall Break was over for me. Sigh.

Tomorrow, I'm leaving for Arapahoe, NC to volunteer at Camp WholeHeart for kids and teens with heart defects. I've been working on the event for a while in my assistantship and now it's finally happening. I'm a little nervous about being around so many kids because I'm just not used to it. Not to mention the fact that I've never been to camp. It should be an interesting experience, to say the least!

I hope a good weekend is had by all :).

Counting Those Days Until Fall Break

2008-10-07T22:25:00.002-04:00

So...this whole independent woman thing is beginning to fade. Don't get me wrong, I still see myself as being very independent and I'm fine being by myself. However, I can't ignore the fact that I'm also a big hopeless romantic and that I want to find the person I'm going to marry. Up until last Thursday, I thought Ben was that person. I thought I was on my way to getting engaged. Now, I've been set all the way back. It's like landing on a "go back to the beginning" spot during a board game. Not that it's a race or anything. I don't know why I want so badly to get married. I can't really put my finger on the reason. It's not as if many of the relationships in my family have been successful. What's more is that I know the more I look for it, the less likely it's going to come...and yet, I still look. When I met Ben, it was completely unexpected. I have a feeling that it will be next time too. And there's no telling how long I'm going to have to wait. As they say, you can't hurry love. Until then, I'll just try to enjoy doing my own thing, getting through school, enjoying time with my friends and family. But that doesn't mean I won't be a little bitter when I see a happy couple kissing or holding hands. I just want that...is it so wrong? Since it's been two months since Ben and I saw each other, I feel like it's been longer than a week since I haven't had it (though I've only been single for about that long). I'm going to try SO hard to be patient and trust that God will send my own Edward Cullen this way (sorry, Twilight reference).

I'm definitely my own worst critic. Today, for instance, I said something in class that wasn't exactly what the professor was looking for and during the rest of class, I was beating myself up over it. I thought, "Why did I have to open my mouth and prove that I'm dumb?" I overreacted, obviously, but grad school has a way of just making you feel stupid. I'm constantly worried about not grasping the material. I'm doing the work but am I GETTING it? I also worry that I'm not doing enough. If I spend any moment of my day doing something that isn't academic, I feel like I'm slacking off. Damon's class is probably of most concern at the moment. Our Theory of Change paper is approaching quickly and I have no clue what mine is. How can I know after not even one semester??? I have a meeting with him tomorrow to discuss my paper (or lack there of as I haven't even started). The theories we discuss in his class are over my head and I keep wondering if and when they're going to click with me. I'm not so sure.

I'm getting quite excited about Fall Break, especially if I can take care of most of my work by then. I'll be spending lots of time with my mom, I think...maybe going to a movie, buying a new bedspread (yay!), and perhaps doing some baking? Then I'm heading to Raleigh to see my lovely Meredith ladies. I never get enough of them these days. I miss seeing them as often as I used to. It just isn't the same without having them live down the hall. It won't exactly be the Fall Break I had been looking forward to for months but I'm still hoping it will be good. :)

Positivity

2008-10-05T21:45:00.003-04:00

I didn't think I would be writing this soon after my last entry. I thought it would take much longer to get my life back on track, as I put it. And things aren't perfect by any means but I'm trying to move on.

For those of you who haven't already heard, Ben and I broke up last Thursday night. I'm choosing not to go into the details here but if you're interested, you can ask, of course. The bottom line is that the relationship just wasn't going the way either of us had hoped and the distance didn't help. I'm sure it was better to end things now, while we were still on good terms, than to carry things out longer, becoming more unhappy with each other and, eventually resenting each other. I wouldn't say that the fateful phone call went well but this relationship ended better than any of my other ones have. I still have a lot of respect for Ben, I know he's a good guy, and I want him to be happy. Even if it's not with me. And I love him...as hard as it is for me to admit it. After all, love doesn't just go "poof!" after you break up with someone. That would be ideal though, wouldn't it?

Lots of people have commented on how well I'm taking everything. I attribute that to several reasons. The first is that I had been mentally preparing myself for the event, not only during this last hellish week but, I think, ever since I knew Ben and I would be in a long distance relationship again. I tried to not be pessimistic but, after all, we did break up three months into our last long distance relationship. Granted, that was an international relationship, but I still didn't want to get my hopes too high. I couldn't bear the idea of being surprised or caught off guard by a break up. I knew that would devastate me. So, for better or worse, I had this in the back of my mind.

Secondly, I attribute my good attitude to just that...my good attitude. I've been trying very hard not to dwell on the good times (because there were a lot) and, instead, focus on the things that weren't so perfect. That may seem like just the opposite of a good attitude but, think about it. What good would it do for me to sit around, moping, and thinking about how much I miss the happy times? It's easier to think, "Well, now I don't have to deal with *insert grievance here* anymore."

Finally, I attribute my perseverance to the people in my life. My friends and family have been amazing. I've even been contacted by people I would have never expected to hear from, expressing their concern. As soon as I changed my Facebook relationship status to "single", my inbox and wall were full of messages (I know it sounds trivial but it represents something). Everyone has been incredibly supportive and loving and I KNOW I wouldn't be taking this as well as I have if it wasn't for them. I've also been really touched by how my cohort reacted to my break up. They've invited me to their homes, asked me out for coffee, etc. to get my mind off everything. I owe a lot of my strength to my loved ones.

Needless to say, I'm no longer going to Georgia for Fall Break. Instead, I'm going home for a couple days, then to Raleigh for a day or so. It will be good to get out of my apartment. I'm especially looking forward to seeing my parents because I haven't since the middle of August (both of my parents, anyway). I just want to relax, recuperate, and clear my mind. Only 4 more days :).

Just So You Know...

2008-09-28T22:25:00.003-04:00

For those of you who do read my blog...thank you. I appreciate you. However, you will probably not see much from me in the next few days, maybe the next couple weeks. I'm experiencing some very personal...turmoil at the moment. I barely have the energy or attention to complete those things that are absolutely necessary (i.e. school work, eating, bathing, etc.), much less other, less essential, things. Once my life is back on track (who knows when that will be), I'll write again.

Better Day

2008-09-26T00:48:00.003-04:00

It's nearly 1am and I should clearly be sleeping, especially since I'm driving to Raleigh in the morning. However, I have the urge to write. I think I'm addicted to this blogging thing. Ooh, it's thundering. Maybe it will snow in 7 days? No, I guess that doesn't apply in the fall, does it? Or in Greenville. Ha. Anyway, the weather is not what I signed on to write about.

Today started out a bit rough. It was tough to wake up this morning after last night's breakdown. I guess I had really worn myself out. And the weather wasn't helping (there I go again) because it was so gloomy. On top of that, I knew I had a day of studying (or, at least, fake studying) ahead of me with my first Research Methods test tonight. That would make anyone want to stay in bed. After a few hours, though, I started feeling a bit better. I lit a candle and made some coffee - two things I rarely do but just felt like doing today. It was actually sort of therapeutic. By the time I left for campus, I was in a decent mood.

I got to school a bit early today so I could interview Damon (my professor for Family Therapy Theories) for an assignment that's due in November. Yes, believe it or not, the Procrastination Queen is actually trying to get ahead. I had to ask him about an ethical dilemma and the one he gave me reiterated what he said at the beginning of the interview - not all ethical violations will be black and white. However, I was hoping that it would be a bit more juicy than it was. Oh well. Afterward, he asked some questions about me - where I'm from, where I got my undergraduate degree, etc. When I told him about Meredith, he was a bit surprised as he didn't realize there were that many women's colleges around anymore. So I had to fill him in a bit on the Meredith culture. He asked the question that many people ask of women's college students - how did we meet guys? Why is that everyone's first concern? Oh, and people normally ask if we're all lesbians. Thank God Damon didn't. Don't those questions sort of contradict each other though? I don't understand why there are so many misconceptions about women's colleges. Did people ask those questions of men's colleges (when there were some)? I mean, back in the day, only men were even allowed to go to college. Was it a concern that they were gay? Why is it so unheard of that women would only want to go to school with women? Personally, I loved not having guys in the classroom or even on the campus. That's not why I was going to college. And the ones who were for that reason could take their little butts to State. ;) Anyway, Damon told me that I was "an excellent writer" which I REALLY appreciated, especially since I've been doubting both my skills and intelligence lately. He was fun to talk to and I'm glad I got the opportunity to interact with him one on one. I hope I have that same chance with my other professors throughout the semester.

Then came the dreaded Research Methods exam. I really had no idea what to expect and, even though it was open book/open notebook, I was nervous. As it turned out, it was really easy. But because I finished quickly and thought it was easy, I was even more nervous. Then she proceeded to grade them right in front of us...as we sat in silence waiting for everyone to finish. She didn't want us to leave because there were a few things she wanted to talk about after the test. I wish I would have brought something to do. I haven't had to sit around after a test since high school. And what she talked to us about was a little confusing. She tiptoed around what she really wanted to say. She kept alluding to some sort of inappropriate behavior that she had observed but she never said what it was. How can we avoid said inappropriate behavior if we don't even know what it is? I have a feeling though that it's the whispers and facial expressions we make during class. When that occurred to me, I felt sort of guilty. I don't want to be inappropriate or immature in class. It's just that SOMETIMES, I have to make a face. That's just the way it is in this class. But I'm going to try to be better...at least more subtle. After class, a few of us had a venting session in the parking lot. That's fair though, right? We're not doing it in front of her face. I was in a good mood when I left campus because I did well on the test :).

Something else put me in a good mood too... Before class was over, Kristy asked if I wanted to come over to do homework this weekend. I know it's simple but it was a nice gesture. I think she knows that I get a little lonely over the weekends. Maybe I'm starting to make some connections after all.

As a final note - Ellen Pompeo of Grey's Anatomy is going to be at MY Meredith College this Saturday speaking about Barack Obama's campaign. What?? How random is this? I thought it was a joke when I first heard it. But it's true. And, if I can talk myself into staying in Raleigh a little longer, I'm going to try to see her. That's too good an opportunity to pass up, right? I try not to get starstruck but, let's be honest, I love Grey's Anatomy and if the star of it is going to be that close to me, how can I not, at least, try to be there? If only it could be Patrick Dempsey...

Rough Night

2008-09-24T23:48:00.002-04:00

So, today started out well. I had my favorite class, which is Family Systems Theory. On the surface, it sounds very dry, doesn't it? But it's actually much easier for me to wrap my head around than my other theory class. And Dr. Hill has great stories and quotes. I find myself looking up his quotes after I get home. I love when he gets passionate about things...like today when he was talking about the state of our economy and how obvious it is that everything that happens in our country affects other countries and vice versa. Anyway, it's always interesting. We talked a bit about An Inconvenient Truth and, now, I really want to read that or see the documentary. After Hillary watched it, she went into recycle mode and has been ever since. It's good though - she showed me the benefits of recycling and such. Even if she could be a bit obnoxious about it sometimes (wink - love you, Hillary). Dr. Hill read a quote by Stephen Hawking about how, at the rate we're going, in a millennium, the Earth will resemble Venus. And unless you missed the memo, you know that Venus cannot sustain life. That's SCARY and, for me, enough to make me take a few extra steps to the recycling bin.

It wasn't until this evening that things got a bit sour. I was talking to Ben on the phone and he mentioned some things that just didn't sit well with me. Albeit, it probably has A LOT to do with the fact I'm a little PMS-y, I will admit that. But I had a bit of a meltdown after we got off the phone. When I'm upset over a little thing, everything that has bothered me in the last week, or even month, starts spilling out. It's a little ridiculous. When I'm like that, I have a very hard time putting things in perspective. I started thinking about how Ben was meeting people, being liked by people...and I feel like I'm all alone up here in Greenville. Everyone keeps telling me that it will get better and, maybe it will...it's just hard to distance myself from it enough right now to see that. A lack of confidence in myself is a big problem. I thought I had gotten over those issues in undergrad but they have recently resurfaced. I realize that I felt confident at Meredith because I was in a safe place that I loved. Now that I don't feel so safe, I'm doubting myself and why I'm here. And it's something that I can't change overnight. I've been trying to surround myself with things and people I know will make me feel good but that doesn't always do the trick. It has to come from within and I haven't figured that out yet. I wish I could stop attributing my value to what other people think of me. I don't want to care what other people think. I want to just know that I'm a good person, worthy of loving and being loved without someone having to tell me so. I want to know that I am in this program because I'm qualified and they think I'm going to make a good therapist. Of course, just because I want these things doesn't make them happen.

Fortunately, I have a pretty good support system - even if they're not located in Greenville - and, by the end of the evening, I was feeling a little better. It really is true that people need other people to survive.

On that note, I should go to bed. I have a test to study for tomorrow (my first grad school test!) that I'm really looking forward to. ;)

Another Weekend Winds Down

2008-09-21T21:27:00.002-04:00

Greetings from Sunday night. It's nice to just sit here, blogging and watching the Emmy's. I hope everyone had a good weekend. Mine wasn't too stressful. Friday, I was quite the bum...well, academically anyway. I did get to the bank and the gym, so I wasn't completely unproductive. And I did about 3 hours of assistantship work, trying to boost those hours. Early on Saturday, I was starting to feel the loneliness creeping in. I had sent an e-mail Friday night to the MFT cohort, asking if anyone wanted to do something this weekend. As of Saturday morning, no one had replied and I was beginning to wonder if no one wanted to play with me. Fortunately though, before I could get too blue, Jodi e-mailed saying that she and Rasheeka were going to lunch and a movie and asked if I wanted to go. I contemplated only doing lunch, then coming back to the apartment for homework. Then, I figured, why? So I could regret missing out on fun and a movie? That would have been silly. So we had lunch at Chili's and saw Lakeview Terrace. I thought it was a good movie. Not to ruin it for anyone but Samuel L. Jackson's character is straight up CRAZY. He does it well, though. It was one of those movies that just made me angry and I couldn't wait to see the bad guy get his. Anyway, it was good to get out. I did a little reading when I got home but certainly not much. Today, however, was my day to get caught up...not only on homework but laundry. Whew...Sundays are so thrilling. It took me a few hours to get through my reading because it was thick with theory. I'm still not confident that I understand anything I read. Having to be knowledgeable of these theories by the end of the semester sort of freaks me out.

I was able to talk to Hillary for a little bit today. She seems to be doing well, just missing everyone in the states. I can understand that. Being in Europe last semester gave me a taste. I remember being SO homesick one night. I had gotten a really sweet e-mail from Ben and, after reading it, I just couldn't stop crying. I felt so far away from him and my family. Being exhausted, as we so often were, didn't help. It passed though and I'm sure Hillary's will too. At least, I doubt her homesickness will be constant. She'll get busy and enmeshed in the Austrian culture. I can't help being a little jealous. I mean, I'm in Greenville for goodness sakes. But I'm happy that she has this experience. How many people can say they studied abroad twice during their college career? Lucky girl.

Last week, I made a list of all the assignments that are due this semester and when they're due. Looking at October and November (and well, December too, to be honest) made me nervous. Things are going to be happening really quickly and I'm worried about how I will get everything done. And these aren't easy assignments...they will take time and actual work. I feel like I should always be working ahead but I need time to take a break too, right? My goal is just to not have to do anything over Fall Break. I want to dedicate all of my time during those four days to be with Ben.

So, that was my weekend along with a few things that are on my mind tonight. If this week isn't too crazy (and you never know), I will update again soon. :)

No Class Fridays

2008-09-19T15:25:00.000-04:00

What have I done today? Well, not much. Nothing academic...yet. I feel bad about that but I just don't feel motivated today. And I have so much I could be doing. It's as if, after Research Methods on Thursday night, I just don't want to do anything for the rest of the week. Speaking of Research Methods, I got some pretty disturbing news last night. My RM professor is teaching Stats next semester, which I have to take. When she said that, the mouths of everyone in class just fell open. I was REALLY hoping to be done with this woman in December. I can't believe I have her for another class next semester. Of all the great professors I have, I get to have her twice. Sigh. I just don't understand her train of thought and it's so frustrating. For instance, she starts one example and before she finishes that one, she's on to another, totally different example. I don't doubt that she knows this material, I just don't think she knows how to teach it. You can be a genius and not know how to teach, right? I don't think any of us are learning what we're supposed to be. I have a feeling that the textbook will be teaching this to me. And Stats? That's all about math! Math is not my topic! How is she going to teach me math? Oh man...I'm dreading it.

After I got out of class last night, I talked to my mom. She hit a deer last night. Or the deer hit her, as she described it. Her car is totaled. Bad news (or in this case, bad events) never have good timing, do they? What's more is that she doesn't have rental coverage on her insurance policy. I'm not sure what she's going to do. I hope she's able to get a car (or rental car) without too much money/trouble.

I've decided something about myself. I'm never going to be that polished girl. Nope...I'm always going to be a little disheveled. My hair, makeup, and clothes will never be perfect. That's just the way it is. I don't have it in me. It's something I need to come to terms with.

My mom asked me last night if I was happy. I told her no. I don't know if that was fair though. Am I as happy as I possibly could be? No. I would much rather be near Ben and my best friends. I would rather already have my Masters. But it isn't that easy, is it? So, my answer would have to be, I'm okay. I have to keep reminding myself that this is temporary. I'm scared though that I'm spending too much time rushing the days and not enough time trying to enjoy them. It's hard. I don't want to look back on this time and feel like I wasted it. Then again, let's be honest, if I get my Masters, it won't be a waste, regardless of how I spend the rest of my time.

Rasheeka, a friend of mine in the MFT program, has been making lots of great and supportive comments on my blog, which I appreciate. I feel like she and I are on the same wavelength. She mentioned how the ladies (and Bryan, of course) in the MFT program need to be there for each other during the tough times. I do hope that's the way it works out. Having a support system is really important and I feel like the one I've always had is far away...

On a brighter note, I'm going to stay with Sarah Beeler next weekend and will be seeing Sara Croninger's new show. I'm very excited and can't wait to see my ladies. :)

Isolated

2008-09-19T12:25:00.002-04:00

I just realized something while I was getting ready for bed... I'm probably the most isolated of all the MFT students. And by isolated, I mean devoid of human interaction...or really any live thing. Think about it. I live alone...I don't even have a pet. I know none of my neighbors. My boyfriend is in another state. My best friends are in another city. I have no family in Greenville. I'm beginning to wonder why I did this to myself. Well, I mean, the only thing I could really control was whether I had a roommate or pet...the rest was out of my hands if I wanted to go to grad school. The other night, I was reading about accredited MFT programs and there was a list of all the ones in the US. There were 3 in Georgia and, just out of curiosity, I Mapquested them to see how far they were from Atlanta. None were within and hour and a half of the city. Sigh. Of course, it's not like I could transfer or anything. And besides, regardless of my grievances with this program, I think it's the one for me if I really want to be an MFT. Which I do...right? I can't believe I was thinking about going to Syracuse. I could really see me now...depressed and cold.

I really need to crack down tomorrow because I hardly got anything done today. I constantly feel this pressure to do stuff. I can't just sit and watch television anymore without feeling guilty. But I guess this is the way it's going to be for the next couple years. Dr. O'Dekirk said that a person can deal with (most) anything for two years. I hope he's right. I don't mean to sound so down or so negative but these are things I'm experiencing for the first time. The transition has not been easy for me. And maybe it hasn't been easy for the others either...we just don't talk about it. I wish we did...I could use that. I feel like everyone else is just so SURE. What if I end up being that person who doesn't make it? Angela said they'd only lost a few students along the way... I don't want to be a failure.

Family Values

2008-09-17T22:16:00.001-04:00

I'm watching The 40 Year Old Virgin and for some reason, that just hinders my ability to concentrate on assistantship work. Weird. Anyway, I think I'm done with work for the evening and am going to blog for a bit instead. I've been sort of a bum today. I took a nap, for one thing. That was common in undergrad but nowadays, I feel like such a slacker if I fall asleep! Sometimes, you just have to though, right? And I haven't read anything but I'm saving that for tomorrow, before my dreaded Research Methods class. I think it's cruel to have that class at 6pm on a Thursday night. Not to mention the fact that it will soon interfere with watching Grey's Anatomy. Tragic. On a lighter note, Steve Carell makes me laugh.

We shared our genograms in class today and that was an interesting experience. I was in a group with three ladies who were all older than me, none of whom are in the MFT program. I was a little hesitant at first to share my personal family history with them but it actually turned out really well. They were inquisitive, intrigued, and supportive. When I mentioned how much I've struggled thus far this semester (more so in the very beginning than now), they instantly became very maternal, which I appreciated. They insisted that I would make it through the program and wouldn't quit. Even though they don't know me well (better now than before I shared my genogram), it was good to hear that from them. I enjoyed talking about my family...even though the patterns I found while doing my genogram were disturbing. First of all, a LOT of people in my family have dealt with or are dealing with alcohol or substance abuse. Secondly, almost everyone has been divorced at least once. Yeah, that's right, AT LEAST once. It scares me a little. When I was younger, I was really afraid that I too was destined for divorce. However, Dr. Hill often says something in class that gives me hope...our history does not define our destiny. So I have some sort of say in what happens to me. I'm thinking that, if I don't do a thesis, I might take an elective in substance abuse. I think it would help me come to terms with my family and give me the skills to help families like my own in the future.

Speaking of a thesis...wow, what a dilemma. Do one or not do one? I have several reasons to go either way. Do one - I might decide to get my Ph.D. one day and it would be helpful to have a thesis under my belt and I could get published in a journal. Don't do one - it doesn't look likely that I'll get my Ph.D., I'm not that interested in research, I don't know that I could dedicate myself to something as time consuming as a thesis, and I don't want to kill myself next year with classes, an internship, a possible assistantship, and a thesis. See my problem? I'm trying to set up an appointment with the director of the MFT program in hopes that she can give me some guidance. It's scary though...I feel like I need to decide my future RIGHT NOW. Most everyone else in the program has already decided to do a thesis. What's more is that they know exactly what their topic would be. I don't even know what general subject matter I would want to concentrate on. Oh man.

Ben and I talked for a long while tonight. I really look forward to our phone conversations. I mean, what else do I have right now? I am counting down the days to fall break like you wouldn't believe. I overheard a conversation on the bus today between two people who had no idea when fall break was. In my mind, I'm thinking, "How do you now know when it is? It's been in my planner for over a month!" But I didn't speak up. Maybe they don't have Atlanta and their boyfriends to look forward to. Tonight, we were trying to decide how we were going to see each other this summer. Yeah, it's several months down the road but there's nothing wrong with thinking ahead. We didn't come to any conclusions though. He doesn't know if he'll be taking classes all summer and I don't know how much time I will be devoting to my assistantship this summer, how many breaks we'll have, etc. It would be SO great if he could move up here for, at least, half the summer. The problem would be what to do with Miss Alice. We'd figure out something though, I think.

The more classes I have, especially the one I had today, the more I realize how I want to approach my own family. Today, for instance, I decided that I'm building a tree house with my kids. I want to have dinner together every night. I want to go camping together. I want to have board game nights. I want to do all the things as a family that my family never did. It makes me anxious to start one now. Obviously though, that isn't an option at the moment. Which is okay.

As a final note, my legs are really sore from the gym. I hope this working out will pay off.

Hodge-Podge

2008-09-15T16:50:00.000-04:00

Before I got busy for the evening, I wanted to write a bit. I'm just exhausted this afternoon...which is usual for Mondays and Wednesdays. My days aren't all that long really but they feel that way. Maybe it's because I'm just sitting. That will make anyone sleepy. By the time I get home, I just want to crash. Or watch WifeSwap and eat snacks ;).

Class went pretty well today and I turned in my first ever grad school assignment. It didn't seem like anyone was too confident about it though because Damon (my professor - they prefer us to call them by their first names) didn't provide an example. I guess I'll see when I get it back. I just don't feel competent yet...know what I mean? I look at the second year MFT students and they seem so ahead of me. I understand that they have a year under their belts but it feels like there's more than a year between us. I'm terrified of doing therapy and being supervised, which, I think, starts at the end of April. APRIL. That's really soon, if you think about it. Everyday, I wonder if this is what I'm supposed to be doing. Today, I was rereading an e-mail that O'Dekirk had sent me before the semester even began and I was feeling particularly low. That helped me a bit. He's so encouraging. This just seems like a really lonely process. I've been told by several people that grad school was the most miserable time of their lives, they were depressed the entire time, and thought seriously about quitting every semester. I can't even count how many time I've already considered quitting. It has less to do with whether I want to do this and more to do with whether (I think) I CAN do this.

I had a bit of a breakdown last night and I can't quite explain why. I was talking to my mom about getting a pet, which I would love to do, especially since I live alone. She asked what I would do with the pet when I went away for the weekends. I hadn't thought about that. Suddenly, my little bubble had burst and I was really irritated, for some reason. Then, I just started crying. I don't know why. Maybe some of it had to do with how overwhelming this weekend was. I had three assignments to work on, lots to read, and I tried to make time to go out with the other MFT students. Also, I did nothing yesterday but work. Staying in all day tends to depress me. I'm so afraid that I won't be able to balance everything and I'll either become a complete hermit or my grades will suffer.

I had a pretty vivid nightmare last night. My aunt Trish and I both died in a fire while trying to save my Grandma. What's more is that the professor for my Tuesday class, Jennifer, was the angel of death who offered her hand to Trish and me while wearing a fireman's uniform. After I went to Heaven, or wherever I was, the only thing I could think of was that Ben and I would never get to talk to each other again. Unless he died, which I didn't want him to do. It was depressing. Needless to say, the remainder of my night was pretty restless.

My research assistantship is going fairly well, I guess. Except that it's boring. And my supervisor's office is suffocating. Everyone who knows me well knows that I'm a neat freak. And this woman is MESSY. Just sitting in her office makes me feel claustrophobic. I start getting really antsy and want to get out of there quickly. She's nice, though, and flexible with my hours, which I appreciate. I just wish the things I'm doing were more relevant than they seem to be right now. I'm volunteering at the camp she organizes, Camp WholeHeart, in October which I'm both excited and hesitant about. I've never even gone to camp, much less been anything resembling a counselor. She says it's a lot of fun though.

I joined the gym today and I'm really proud of myself for doing it. I told myself all day that I was going to but I was afraid my laziness would kick in this afternoon. But I did it and I'm eager to start working out. I'm hoping it will help with some of my anxiety.

As a final note...I miss Meredith. And I miss my MC ladies. More and more everyday.

First

2008-09-14T23:36:00.000-04:00

I'm going to try this...with no promises of it working out. I haven't blogged since I was in London and, then, I had some interesting things to write about...things people wanted to read (at least I hope they did). This one may not be as intriguing. However, I feel that I need a place to write and, for whatever reason, I can't make myself keep a journal (which is really sad because I own several cute but half-started journals). I've been told that, while in grad school, I need to take care of myself. Otherwise, I'll completely burn out. Is it bad that I'm already feeling a little burnt out? Anyway, more about that later. Usually, I just like to talk to others about my issues...that normally helps. But unfortunately, everyone around me seems to be busy with their own issues. I can hardly blame them for that. Why am I going into Marriage and Family Therapy when I need my own therapist? That's a question I haven't answered yet...though I've heard it doesn't hurt for a therapist to have a therapist. It's late and I'm starting to ramble. So what I plan to do here is 1) keep my friends/family/whoever wants to read it up to date with what's going on with me because I'll probably spend more time over the next two years reading than I will socializing and 2) have a dialogue with myself and anyone who wants to comment about the issues I'm experiencing as well as the good things that are happening in my life. Does that sound like a good plan? I'll write as often as I can. I have a feeling this will be a great method of procrastination...and I feel good about that :).