I just realized that I've only posted once in 2009...and that just can't be. A lot has happened since January 5th. I'll give a run-down, elaborating on what I find to be the most interesting (if you disagree, sorry!).
I returned to Greenville on the 10th. I have to be honest, I was NOT looking forward to it. I wanted to see my cohort but I did not want to start a new semester. I had gotten really attached to waking up when I wanted to, doing what I wanted to do, etc. I knew it was going to be hard to give that up. So far, it hasn't been too bad, as far as falling back into school habits. However, it is sad to think that was probably the last time I'll have that much free time for a long while. Welcome to the REAL WORLD, right?
Classes began and were, as usual, a bit overwhelming. Looking at the syllabus (or 4 syllabi, in my case) makes your head want to explode. Or maybe that's just me. This semester will be especially challenging because, in April, we begin our internships as well as seeing clients...on top of classes and an assistantship. It will be a lot to balance but I like to think that, in the end, we will be better for it. Someone please remind me of that when I'm going through it. I'm taking two seminar classes which are supposed to prepare us for the practicum we have over the summer. I have to admit that I was very nervous about these classes, mostly because I didn't know what to expect. "Seminar" is not very informative and, as someone who has some OCD tendencies, I like to know what I'm getting myself into. Our professor for Seminar II is Damon, who we had last semester and are all very familiar with. For Seminar I, however, we have David who I had only HEARD about. Nothing bad...mostly that people were intimidated by him. Well, I can see why. This became abundantly clear when, upon entering the classroom on the first day, the only seat open to me was right next to him. This did not do much for my anxiety. But, after expressing my anxiety to the class on the topic of transitioning from student to therapist, he grabbed my hand, asked Jodi to grab my other hand, and asked if I trusted them. I do...and that made me feel better - as though it was okay to be vulnerable, even in front of someone who scared me a little bit. I like the fact that these seminar classes are for only my cohort because I think they will help to bring us closer together. Also, I feel more comfortable speaking up. I kicked myself sometimes last semester for being so quiet.
I went to Raleigh the weekend after classes started...this was both a good and bad idea for me. It was to be the first time all my friends had been together since September, before Hillary left for Austria, and I was excited about the reunion. I arrived on Sunday and was able to spend a nice afternoon with Hillary and Molly, as well as having dinner with Sarah B. (which was great because we hadn't seen each other since November). I feel a plethora of emotions when I'm at Meredith. On the one hand, I am so happy to be back in a place that I love. Greenville has been, and still is to some extent, unfamiliar to me and to be back on my own turf is really refreshing. Also, I love being with my friends and it's easy to pretend that I'm still a student there. On the other hand, because Meredith brings back so many good memories for me, my life as it is now sort of pales in comparison. And that makes it hard to come back to Greenville. So, what happened the next day was pretty upsetting. I had planned to stay in Raleigh until Tuesday because my friends and I were going out Monday day - something we had been looking forward to for several weeks. However, early Monday afternoon, my mom calls and informs me that it is supposed to snow several inches in both Raleigh and Greenville and that it would be wise for me to go home that day. I didn't take that news so well. Ashley was coming in from Ramseur and Sara was just returning from seeing her boyfriend...right as I was about to walk out the door. I felt really deprived of my time with them and I realized how lonely I was going to feel coming home, especially knowing that they were going out that night without me. That single event opened a can of worms.
After I returned to Greenville, I had a mini-crisis (I've had a lot of those over the past few months). I was thinking very seriously about quitting the MFT program. I even went as far as to start researching other grad programs as well as what I could do with a BA in psychology (ha - nothing). To make a long (and painful) story short, a friend really talked some sense into me and made me realize that getting my Masters (whether I choose to practice therapy or not) is opening lots of doors for me. I don't want to deny myself that opportunity.
So...the moral of the story? I am trying very hard to think more positively, take it one day at a time, and remember that there are lots of people who love me and want to see me succeed, no matter what I happen to succeed at. And those people are the ones I can turn to when I have my mini-crises (or mega crises) in the future.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Monday, January 5, 2009
The Holidays
It's really hard to believe that the holidays are over. It seems like just yesterday that I was coming home. And in a few days, I'll be heading back to Greenville. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about that yet. It's going to be hard to give up the free time. My time at home has had its ups and downs but I've enjoyed being here. It's nice to always have someone to talk to.
Christmas went surprisingly well. The day before Christmas Eve, we had my mom's side of the family over for our traditional dinner and exchanging of gifts. This is always an adventure. One year, a piece of tissue paper caught on fire and THAT was a sight to see. Nothing like that happened this year but I still ended up having a really good time. After everyone left though, I started feeling a bit down. Something was just missing from the gathering. It didn't take much thought to realize what that was. I had a good cry with my mom and felt a little better.
On Christmas Eve, I met up in Randleman with a few of my high school friends - Amy, Cole, Emily, Ashley, and, Ashley's fiance, Jordan. This was the first time we had all been together in a very long time. At first, it was slightly awkward, as though we weren't quite sure what to say to each other. After a few minutes though, it was if nothing had really changed. We were laughing and talking as we always had. One of the main topics of conversation was where our old classmates are now. It was shocking how many of them are married and/or have kids...some people I would have NEVER imagined. That just made me feel old. We ended up staying for about 3 hours and I was actually kind of sad to leave.
I was in a bit of a bad mood later on Christmas Eve. I didn't mean to be. It was just that, for one, the Christmas spirit had still not taken hold of me, and, secondly, I was just really missing Ben. Nothing like the holidays to make you miss the people who aren't around anymore. We didn't usually spend Christmas Eve together but he was still very much in my thoughts. I became more cheerful, though, as the night went on. My mood change just happened to coincide with opening presents :). My parents framed my Meredith diploma and that was definitely one of the best gifts I could have received. I nearly started crying.
Christmas Day was mainly uneventful as we don't normally do very much. Again, I was thinking quite a bit of Ben. For the past three years, I've had dinner with him and his family on Christmas Day. It was strange to just hang out around the house instead of getting ready to go out. I kept wondering what he was doing, if his Christmas was going well... These thoughts didn't bring me down too much though. I wanted to enjoy what was left of the holiday.
My dad's family came over for dinner and gifts the following weekend. Ashley was also able to come, which I was really excited about. She'd never been to my house before and I was glad she'd be there to fill a bit of the void I'd felt at my last family get-together. I was sad to see everyone go that night. It meant that Christmas was officially over and that has been a depressing realization to me since I was little.
The Sunday after Christmas, Amy and I went to see Mercy Mercedes in Greensboro. If you haven't heard of them, Mercy Mercedes is a local band who are beginning to make it quite big (they're on iTunes, for goodness sakes). My ex-boyfriend, Tom, is the bassist and several of the guys went to Randleman High. It felt a little strange, at first, to be hanging out with Amy one on one. Not strange in a bad way, just...unpracticed. It had been a long time since just she and I went out. We had a nice dinner at the Olive Garden, a couple drinks downtown, and then made our way to Greene Street for the show. The band did really well and you could tell the crowd loved them. It was a bit surreal to see Tom up there with all these girls screaming. He's something of a rock star now, I suppose. After the show, Amy mentioned talking to Tom and I began to freak out a little. It had been quite a while since I'd seen him and I just didn't want to stand there awkwardly. It turned out to be less awkward then I'd expected though. His girlfriend was there. She was cute and seemed nice enough but...it's just never fun to see your ex with his new girlfriend. Never fun. It was a good night though, overall.
New Years Eve was another day I had not been looking forward to. Last year, it was a really fun evening. This year, I had absolutely nothing planned. I knew all my friends would want to be with their significant others so I didn't even bother to ask if they could hang out with me. It didn't turn out so badly though. I watched the ball drop on 2009 with my parents and then we played a game together. No, it wasn't a party and I didn't get a New Years kiss but...it could have been worse. I could have been completely alone.
I'd planned on doing a short reflection on 2008 but, as I've already written quite a bit here, I think I'll save that for later.
Christmas went surprisingly well. The day before Christmas Eve, we had my mom's side of the family over for our traditional dinner and exchanging of gifts. This is always an adventure. One year, a piece of tissue paper caught on fire and THAT was a sight to see. Nothing like that happened this year but I still ended up having a really good time. After everyone left though, I started feeling a bit down. Something was just missing from the gathering. It didn't take much thought to realize what that was. I had a good cry with my mom and felt a little better.
On Christmas Eve, I met up in Randleman with a few of my high school friends - Amy, Cole, Emily, Ashley, and, Ashley's fiance, Jordan. This was the first time we had all been together in a very long time. At first, it was slightly awkward, as though we weren't quite sure what to say to each other. After a few minutes though, it was if nothing had really changed. We were laughing and talking as we always had. One of the main topics of conversation was where our old classmates are now. It was shocking how many of them are married and/or have kids...some people I would have NEVER imagined. That just made me feel old. We ended up staying for about 3 hours and I was actually kind of sad to leave.
I was in a bit of a bad mood later on Christmas Eve. I didn't mean to be. It was just that, for one, the Christmas spirit had still not taken hold of me, and, secondly, I was just really missing Ben. Nothing like the holidays to make you miss the people who aren't around anymore. We didn't usually spend Christmas Eve together but he was still very much in my thoughts. I became more cheerful, though, as the night went on. My mood change just happened to coincide with opening presents :). My parents framed my Meredith diploma and that was definitely one of the best gifts I could have received. I nearly started crying.
Christmas Day was mainly uneventful as we don't normally do very much. Again, I was thinking quite a bit of Ben. For the past three years, I've had dinner with him and his family on Christmas Day. It was strange to just hang out around the house instead of getting ready to go out. I kept wondering what he was doing, if his Christmas was going well... These thoughts didn't bring me down too much though. I wanted to enjoy what was left of the holiday.
My dad's family came over for dinner and gifts the following weekend. Ashley was also able to come, which I was really excited about. She'd never been to my house before and I was glad she'd be there to fill a bit of the void I'd felt at my last family get-together. I was sad to see everyone go that night. It meant that Christmas was officially over and that has been a depressing realization to me since I was little.
The Sunday after Christmas, Amy and I went to see Mercy Mercedes in Greensboro. If you haven't heard of them, Mercy Mercedes is a local band who are beginning to make it quite big (they're on iTunes, for goodness sakes). My ex-boyfriend, Tom, is the bassist and several of the guys went to Randleman High. It felt a little strange, at first, to be hanging out with Amy one on one. Not strange in a bad way, just...unpracticed. It had been a long time since just she and I went out. We had a nice dinner at the Olive Garden, a couple drinks downtown, and then made our way to Greene Street for the show. The band did really well and you could tell the crowd loved them. It was a bit surreal to see Tom up there with all these girls screaming. He's something of a rock star now, I suppose. After the show, Amy mentioned talking to Tom and I began to freak out a little. It had been quite a while since I'd seen him and I just didn't want to stand there awkwardly. It turned out to be less awkward then I'd expected though. His girlfriend was there. She was cute and seemed nice enough but...it's just never fun to see your ex with his new girlfriend. Never fun. It was a good night though, overall.
New Years Eve was another day I had not been looking forward to. Last year, it was a really fun evening. This year, I had absolutely nothing planned. I knew all my friends would want to be with their significant others so I didn't even bother to ask if they could hang out with me. It didn't turn out so badly though. I watched the ball drop on 2009 with my parents and then we played a game together. No, it wasn't a party and I didn't get a New Years kiss but...it could have been worse. I could have been completely alone.
I'd planned on doing a short reflection on 2008 but, as I've already written quite a bit here, I think I'll save that for later.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Blue Christmas? I hope not.
This break has not been what I expected...thus far. Maybe I go looking for bad things. I was thinking about that today. Perhaps the reason these things keep happening is because I keep expecting them to happen. At the same time, I'm almost afraid to not expect them when they've been happening so often. I'll explain.
I went to visit Hillary in Raleigh on Saturday. She had just gotten back from Austria and I was very excited to see her again. It's interesting how it was. As soon as we were alone (I picked her up from Travis's), it was as though no time had passed. We were just chatting and laughing as we always have. We had lunch at Whole Foods and ended up sitting there for probably two hours, just talking. A bit later, we ended up at Starbucks for coffee and more talking. I'm surprised I didn't lose my voice. But it was so NICE. No one else gets me as well as Hillary does. She can just look at me and know what I'm feeling/thinking. I mean, sure, that can get annoying when I don't really want her to know these things but, most of the time, it just reminds me why she's my best friend. I am so very glad she's back in the country. Anyway, that evening, we went back to Travis's and, eventually, started watching Love Actually. A few things started happening at once. Suddenly, I was very aware of Hillary and Travis, cuddling on the couch. Now, don't get me wrong...I really like Travis and I'm so glad Hillary found someone like him. I'm happy for them. However, right now, it's just difficult for me to be around couples...especially if there is no one else there to distract me. Also, the movie was starting to get to me. I LOVE this movie but it's a love story and I was tired. When I'm tired, any emotion that I'm feeling is amplified. At the moment, I was feeling sad. So, I started to cry. I wanted to be discreet though so I just sank deeper into the couch (Hillary and Travis were on the other one) and tried to hide. No dice though. Hillary totally knew I was upset (example of what I was explaining earlier) and she had a good feeling about why. I told her later that, sometimes, it hits me how very much I miss Ben. I start picturing his face and things he used to say and, all of a sudden, I just can't hold it in. It was like that that night. And it was sort of embarrassing. I don't like to break down in front of other people. Hillary was okay but Travis was there too and I just hope he didn't feel too awkward. It was a bit of a rough night for me.
When Hillary and I were driving from Whole Foods to her house on Saturday, my car started to overheat. Mike (her "stepdad", though she'd rather not refer to him as such) put some water and coolant in my car but to no avail. We tested it on Sunday and, after just a leisurely drive around the neighborhood, it was overheating again. Great. Not to mention typical of my lovely Ford Probe. My dad ended up having to pick me up from Raleigh. My car has a knack for breaking down when I'm away from home. We were hoping it was just the thermostat but found out today that it's the water pump, which is more expensive. Double great. Hillary was gracious enough to let me tag along with her to Outback where she was having lunch with her family. It ended up being a really nice meal that I enjoyed so I guess the afternoon didn't end too badly. And I apologized to Hillary for being so emo.
For Christmas, I ordered my mom a subscription to the new Food Network magazine and was excited to give it to her. Today, however, sort of ruined that surprise. She checked the mail this afternoon and found a postcard that said something along the lines of "Melissa Staley has ordered a subscription of the Food Network magazine for you". I tried to grab it out of her hands but she had already seen it. I was so pissed. I could only get two things for my mom and one was already ruined...three days before Christmas. This small event was the last straw. I broke down, babbling about how this Christmas has just sucked...for the obvious reasons along with everything else that has been happening. I know that if these things had occurred last year, it would have been frustrating but I wouldn't have thought too much about it. This year, however, it just feels like things are piling up. I want to change my attitude about life but that's easier said than done, believe me. I've been making conscious efforts but, when you've been stuck in such a pessimistic mindset for so long, it's difficult to change. I'm hoping that the new year will bring me better strength. I know that life will deal you some blows and I want to be better able to deal with them than I have lately.
Perhaps my next blog will bring better news :-/
I went to visit Hillary in Raleigh on Saturday. She had just gotten back from Austria and I was very excited to see her again. It's interesting how it was. As soon as we were alone (I picked her up from Travis's), it was as though no time had passed. We were just chatting and laughing as we always have. We had lunch at Whole Foods and ended up sitting there for probably two hours, just talking. A bit later, we ended up at Starbucks for coffee and more talking. I'm surprised I didn't lose my voice. But it was so NICE. No one else gets me as well as Hillary does. She can just look at me and know what I'm feeling/thinking. I mean, sure, that can get annoying when I don't really want her to know these things but, most of the time, it just reminds me why she's my best friend. I am so very glad she's back in the country. Anyway, that evening, we went back to Travis's and, eventually, started watching Love Actually. A few things started happening at once. Suddenly, I was very aware of Hillary and Travis, cuddling on the couch. Now, don't get me wrong...I really like Travis and I'm so glad Hillary found someone like him. I'm happy for them. However, right now, it's just difficult for me to be around couples...especially if there is no one else there to distract me. Also, the movie was starting to get to me. I LOVE this movie but it's a love story and I was tired. When I'm tired, any emotion that I'm feeling is amplified. At the moment, I was feeling sad. So, I started to cry. I wanted to be discreet though so I just sank deeper into the couch (Hillary and Travis were on the other one) and tried to hide. No dice though. Hillary totally knew I was upset (example of what I was explaining earlier) and she had a good feeling about why. I told her later that, sometimes, it hits me how very much I miss Ben. I start picturing his face and things he used to say and, all of a sudden, I just can't hold it in. It was like that that night. And it was sort of embarrassing. I don't like to break down in front of other people. Hillary was okay but Travis was there too and I just hope he didn't feel too awkward. It was a bit of a rough night for me.
When Hillary and I were driving from Whole Foods to her house on Saturday, my car started to overheat. Mike (her "stepdad", though she'd rather not refer to him as such) put some water and coolant in my car but to no avail. We tested it on Sunday and, after just a leisurely drive around the neighborhood, it was overheating again. Great. Not to mention typical of my lovely Ford Probe. My dad ended up having to pick me up from Raleigh. My car has a knack for breaking down when I'm away from home. We were hoping it was just the thermostat but found out today that it's the water pump, which is more expensive. Double great. Hillary was gracious enough to let me tag along with her to Outback where she was having lunch with her family. It ended up being a really nice meal that I enjoyed so I guess the afternoon didn't end too badly. And I apologized to Hillary for being so emo.
For Christmas, I ordered my mom a subscription to the new Food Network magazine and was excited to give it to her. Today, however, sort of ruined that surprise. She checked the mail this afternoon and found a postcard that said something along the lines of "Melissa Staley has ordered a subscription of the Food Network magazine for you". I tried to grab it out of her hands but she had already seen it. I was so pissed. I could only get two things for my mom and one was already ruined...three days before Christmas. This small event was the last straw. I broke down, babbling about how this Christmas has just sucked...for the obvious reasons along with everything else that has been happening. I know that if these things had occurred last year, it would have been frustrating but I wouldn't have thought too much about it. This year, however, it just feels like things are piling up. I want to change my attitude about life but that's easier said than done, believe me. I've been making conscious efforts but, when you've been stuck in such a pessimistic mindset for so long, it's difficult to change. I'm hoping that the new year will bring me better strength. I know that life will deal you some blows and I want to be better able to deal with them than I have lately.
Perhaps my next blog will bring better news :-/
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Standing at a Crossroads
I don't have a set topic in mind for this entry...so do excuse me if I ramble a bit.
First of all, the semester is finally OVER. Yes, I survived my first semester in graduate school. It's hard to believe, especially with all the little obstacles I encountered along the way. Ooh, and another bit of good news...I made ALL A's! It's very exciting. I was a little worried about, at least, one of my classes (Ethics was HARD) but I persevered. That was a nice Christmas present that I gave to myself. When I look back on it, I don't know how I managed to concentrate on school with everything else that was going on in my life, especially at the beginning of the semester. Of course, having a certain distraction removed (albeit, not by choice) did make it easier to focus on my work. When everything was over, I wanted to make sure that I thanked the people who helped me through the semester. One of them told me that, as great as it is that I made it through, the feeling of insecurity never really goes away. That didn't surprise me much. I've felt insecure my entire life, I told him, so I'm used to it at this point. I do hope that, someday, it does fade a bit. I have a difficult time thinking about the semesters to come though. It just stresses me out a little...especially when I consider starting my internship. I'm ready to know NOW where it's going to be. I've been looking into the Family Violence Program of Pitt County. I would love to work with victims of domestic violence. I don't know why but that issue has always been one that's close to my heart. I hope that site does work out for me. It really just comes down to how many contact and relational hours I would be able to get there. If it's going to hold me back from getting the hours I need to graduate, despite the great experience I would gain, I almost can't see the point in working there. Most of the other possible internship sites don't interest me that much because they're mainly medical. I don't plan to go into medical family therapy and, from what I've seen, the work the MFTs do at those sites is very brief...not exactly what I'd originally pictured. But I guess we'll just have to see how it all pans out.
I've been home for the holidays since Friday and it's been...alright. It's been really nice to just lounge around, watch TV, read books I actually want to read. But, unfortunately, I'm already longing for human interaction outside of my parents. I've sort of made plans to hang out with Ashley (since she lives so close) but that won't be happening until after Christmas. Cole and I had talked about hanging out but, as far as I know, he isn't home yet. Sarah works all the time. Molly and Sara are at home, out of state, for Christmas. James, who I had originally made plans with back in October, suddenly has a new girlfriend and couldn't care less about doing something with me, apparently. My high school friends and I have made tentative plans for after Christmas...which should be fun but, perhaps, a little awkward since we haven't all been together in a very long time. Honestly though, I'm looking forward to it. Amy and I are actually going to see Mercy Mercedes (with a trip to the Olive Garden beforehand, perhaps) on the 28th. That will be the first time she and I have done anything one on one in a while too. It will also be the first time I've seen Tom in quite a while...not that he'll even know I'm there, surely. I think a lot of people are due to be at that show. Anyway, I really am happy at the prospect of seeing these people who have sort of slipped out of my life.
Hillary will be home from Austria tomorrow and I'm quite excited about that. I'm not meeting her at the airport as initially planned but I will be going to Raleigh for a visit on Saturday. I wonder if it will be weird at all or if we'll just fall right back into place. I'm thinking that the latter is more likely. We don't have anything planned for the day as of yet but I'll just be glad to see my best friend again. This was really the worst semester she could have been away...for me anyway. But at least I was able to talk to her over AIM (since she broke down and got it) and Skype. Lord knows I've missed her.
To my readers...I'm sorry if my blogs are depressing. It has recently come to my attention that they sort of are. That isn't my intention. I don't try to be such a pessimist. I think that's just where I am right now. I'm at a crossroads and it isn't comfortable. I was talking to someone a couple weeks ago about my current situation and she said that, apparently, I'm just going to be miserable for a while. Great. Who wants to hear that? I'm not saying she was wrong though. I think I have a lot of work to do.
First of all, the semester is finally OVER. Yes, I survived my first semester in graduate school. It's hard to believe, especially with all the little obstacles I encountered along the way. Ooh, and another bit of good news...I made ALL A's! It's very exciting. I was a little worried about, at least, one of my classes (Ethics was HARD) but I persevered. That was a nice Christmas present that I gave to myself. When I look back on it, I don't know how I managed to concentrate on school with everything else that was going on in my life, especially at the beginning of the semester. Of course, having a certain distraction removed (albeit, not by choice) did make it easier to focus on my work. When everything was over, I wanted to make sure that I thanked the people who helped me through the semester. One of them told me that, as great as it is that I made it through, the feeling of insecurity never really goes away. That didn't surprise me much. I've felt insecure my entire life, I told him, so I'm used to it at this point. I do hope that, someday, it does fade a bit. I have a difficult time thinking about the semesters to come though. It just stresses me out a little...especially when I consider starting my internship. I'm ready to know NOW where it's going to be. I've been looking into the Family Violence Program of Pitt County. I would love to work with victims of domestic violence. I don't know why but that issue has always been one that's close to my heart. I hope that site does work out for me. It really just comes down to how many contact and relational hours I would be able to get there. If it's going to hold me back from getting the hours I need to graduate, despite the great experience I would gain, I almost can't see the point in working there. Most of the other possible internship sites don't interest me that much because they're mainly medical. I don't plan to go into medical family therapy and, from what I've seen, the work the MFTs do at those sites is very brief...not exactly what I'd originally pictured. But I guess we'll just have to see how it all pans out.
I've been home for the holidays since Friday and it's been...alright. It's been really nice to just lounge around, watch TV, read books I actually want to read. But, unfortunately, I'm already longing for human interaction outside of my parents. I've sort of made plans to hang out with Ashley (since she lives so close) but that won't be happening until after Christmas. Cole and I had talked about hanging out but, as far as I know, he isn't home yet. Sarah works all the time. Molly and Sara are at home, out of state, for Christmas. James, who I had originally made plans with back in October, suddenly has a new girlfriend and couldn't care less about doing something with me, apparently. My high school friends and I have made tentative plans for after Christmas...which should be fun but, perhaps, a little awkward since we haven't all been together in a very long time. Honestly though, I'm looking forward to it. Amy and I are actually going to see Mercy Mercedes (with a trip to the Olive Garden beforehand, perhaps) on the 28th. That will be the first time she and I have done anything one on one in a while too. It will also be the first time I've seen Tom in quite a while...not that he'll even know I'm there, surely. I think a lot of people are due to be at that show. Anyway, I really am happy at the prospect of seeing these people who have sort of slipped out of my life.
Hillary will be home from Austria tomorrow and I'm quite excited about that. I'm not meeting her at the airport as initially planned but I will be going to Raleigh for a visit on Saturday. I wonder if it will be weird at all or if we'll just fall right back into place. I'm thinking that the latter is more likely. We don't have anything planned for the day as of yet but I'll just be glad to see my best friend again. This was really the worst semester she could have been away...for me anyway. But at least I was able to talk to her over AIM (since she broke down and got it) and Skype. Lord knows I've missed her.
To my readers...I'm sorry if my blogs are depressing. It has recently come to my attention that they sort of are. That isn't my intention. I don't try to be such a pessimist. I think that's just where I am right now. I'm at a crossroads and it isn't comfortable. I was talking to someone a couple weeks ago about my current situation and she said that, apparently, I'm just going to be miserable for a while. Great. Who wants to hear that? I'm not saying she was wrong though. I think I have a lot of work to do.
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Low
As I promised…here is my first real entry in over a month. Sorry it’s taken so long for me to get back to this thing. It’s been an absolutely crazy few weeks and I’m so glad to be looking at the end of them. Six days from today and I’m able to go home for Christmas. It’s been a long time coming.
I’m feeling a little low tonight, thanks to a few different things. The weekend hasn’t been bad at all so far, actually. Yesterday, I went to
Tonight was the MFT Christmas party and it was…nice. I’m just horrible in social situations. I always feel so awkward. It didn’t help that within 20 minutes of being there, I opened a bottle of soda and it exploded on me. And I screamed. Great. I just don’t feel like I know anyone very well outside of my cohort. I’m only familiar with a few of the second years, mostly my “buddy” Angela and I hardly know the doctorate students at all. Of all the professors I’ve had, the only one who was there was Damon. Of course, I didn’t know anyone’s spouse or children. I felt very out of place…and I think it showed. I hate being in those situations. I feel like I cling on to one person or a couple people and I end up following them around all night, which I’m sure is a little annoying. It also reminded me of how alone I am in
It will come as no surprise that I am feeling a lot of pressure to get into a relationship, get married. I feel a little bit like an outcast among the other people in my program and, to a lesser degree, among my best friends. It’s really difficult to go from being someone who was in a long term relationship to being single. It’s a big adjustment in almost every aspect of life. I know I shouldn’t compare myself to anyone else but nearly everyone I know is in a relationship and I feel really left out. I can’t help thinking, “Why not me? What’s wrong with me?” And then I get into a really awkward situation like tonight and I realize…oh, that’s what’s wrong with me. Who wants to be with the girl who is never put together, never knows the right thing to say…?
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Promise of an Update
For those of you who actually read my blog, I apologize for not updating more regularly. When I started this thing, the semester was much more calm that it has been in the past weeks. We're in the final stretch now though and I can FINALLY see the light at the end of the tunnel. Therefore, I promise a long update soon...probably after December 3, in fact. So thank you again for reading. You will definitely hear from me in the coming weeks. :)
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Post-Election Excitement...and Attachment Theory
It has been a historical week for America. Last night, we elected the first ever African American president of the United States. And on a more local level, North Carolina elected our first ever female governor. It was really a momentus election.
I can't say that I would have been heartbroken if John McCain had won. While I don't agree with many of his or Sarah Palin's principles, I find it hard to believe that the next four years could be any worse than the last eight. Then again, maybe they could. Hopefully, with Barack Obama in office, we won't find out. I have to admit though that I was a little nervous at the beginning of last night when I saw that McCain started with 13 electoral votes and Obama with only 3. I was starting to worry that everyone I'd talked to had been wrong...we might end up with yet another Republican president. Anyway, all this isn't really what I wanted to write about. What I really wanted to highlight was the history that was made last night. This became very obvious with the coverage of one particular church in Atlanta, GA. Everyone in there was just ecstatic when Obama won. For many of them, this was something they never thought they would live to see...a black president. I mean, when the Civil Rights Movement started, who would have fathomed such a thing? America has really made some progress. And just for the record, I did not vote for Barack Obama because he's black. I voted for him because I think it's time for a change. You can't continue doing the same thing when that thing is no longer working. Secondly, I voted for him because he believes in reproductive freedom for women. And thirdly, I voted for him because, like me, he wants to see our troops come home from the war. I have a hard time understanding how anyone could be for war. But again, that's me.
If you haven't heard Obama's speech after his victory was announced last night, I suggest you find it somewhere. It was pretty amazing. I literally cried. I didn't think I would, but I did. For some reason, everytime he starts talking about Michelle and his kids, I lose it. No, I didn't sob or anything but it was emotional. Even Jesse Jackson was crying. It was also memorable when he mentioned the 106 year old woman who came out to vote. That makes me a little irritated with the young, able-bodied people who did not. I mean, each to their own, sure...but how can you not be interested in who will be running your country for the next 4 years? I never thought I would be into politics like this. I certainly wasn't the year I voted for the first time. But, last night, I couldn't drag myself away from the TV and I'm glad to be much more politically aware this time around.
On a totally different note, something in Dr. Hill's class really grabbed my attention this morning. We were discussing attachment theory and the components of a secure attachment. These were things like warmth and affection, responsiveness and sensitivity, comfort and security, etc. He told a story about a graduate student of his who was upset over her recent breakup (right then, I knew this was going to hit close to home for me). She was blaming herself for everything that had gone wrong and really putting her ex-boyfriend on a pedestal. Dr. Hill brought up the components of secure attachment and asked if her boyfriend exhibited these things. Of course, he didn't have all of them. And most of us wouldn't. But his story made me look at my relationship with Ben and which of the components he had or provided me with. The one I feel was missing the most was comfort and security. I never really knew where I stood with Ben. Was he dating me because he wanted to be with me for the rest of his life or just until something better came along (like a Ph.D. program)? I was never entirely sure. Then there were times when he would mention going abroad for his education (in addition to the year he spent in Scotland). That was, of course, terrifying for me because that meant even more time apart...very far apart. What sticks out for me the most, though, was a time right before he left for Atlanta. I was very upset about the impending separation and he "comforted" me by saying that, no matter what, I would find someone who would make me happy and he would find someone who would make him happy. I understand where he was going with that, but it just was NOT what I wanted to hear at that moment. That's something I won't soon forget.
I didn't mean to end on a negative note. And really, it's not so negative. Realizing that, while mine and Ben's relationship was very good for a long time, it wasn't perfect. Hopefully, now, I can find someone who can give me the comfort and security I didn't always feel with him.
I can't say that I would have been heartbroken if John McCain had won. While I don't agree with many of his or Sarah Palin's principles, I find it hard to believe that the next four years could be any worse than the last eight. Then again, maybe they could. Hopefully, with Barack Obama in office, we won't find out. I have to admit though that I was a little nervous at the beginning of last night when I saw that McCain started with 13 electoral votes and Obama with only 3. I was starting to worry that everyone I'd talked to had been wrong...we might end up with yet another Republican president. Anyway, all this isn't really what I wanted to write about. What I really wanted to highlight was the history that was made last night. This became very obvious with the coverage of one particular church in Atlanta, GA. Everyone in there was just ecstatic when Obama won. For many of them, this was something they never thought they would live to see...a black president. I mean, when the Civil Rights Movement started, who would have fathomed such a thing? America has really made some progress. And just for the record, I did not vote for Barack Obama because he's black. I voted for him because I think it's time for a change. You can't continue doing the same thing when that thing is no longer working. Secondly, I voted for him because he believes in reproductive freedom for women. And thirdly, I voted for him because, like me, he wants to see our troops come home from the war. I have a hard time understanding how anyone could be for war. But again, that's me.
If you haven't heard Obama's speech after his victory was announced last night, I suggest you find it somewhere. It was pretty amazing. I literally cried. I didn't think I would, but I did. For some reason, everytime he starts talking about Michelle and his kids, I lose it. No, I didn't sob or anything but it was emotional. Even Jesse Jackson was crying. It was also memorable when he mentioned the 106 year old woman who came out to vote. That makes me a little irritated with the young, able-bodied people who did not. I mean, each to their own, sure...but how can you not be interested in who will be running your country for the next 4 years? I never thought I would be into politics like this. I certainly wasn't the year I voted for the first time. But, last night, I couldn't drag myself away from the TV and I'm glad to be much more politically aware this time around.
On a totally different note, something in Dr. Hill's class really grabbed my attention this morning. We were discussing attachment theory and the components of a secure attachment. These were things like warmth and affection, responsiveness and sensitivity, comfort and security, etc. He told a story about a graduate student of his who was upset over her recent breakup (right then, I knew this was going to hit close to home for me). She was blaming herself for everything that had gone wrong and really putting her ex-boyfriend on a pedestal. Dr. Hill brought up the components of secure attachment and asked if her boyfriend exhibited these things. Of course, he didn't have all of them. And most of us wouldn't. But his story made me look at my relationship with Ben and which of the components he had or provided me with. The one I feel was missing the most was comfort and security. I never really knew where I stood with Ben. Was he dating me because he wanted to be with me for the rest of his life or just until something better came along (like a Ph.D. program)? I was never entirely sure. Then there were times when he would mention going abroad for his education (in addition to the year he spent in Scotland). That was, of course, terrifying for me because that meant even more time apart...very far apart. What sticks out for me the most, though, was a time right before he left for Atlanta. I was very upset about the impending separation and he "comforted" me by saying that, no matter what, I would find someone who would make me happy and he would find someone who would make him happy. I understand where he was going with that, but it just was NOT what I wanted to hear at that moment. That's something I won't soon forget.
I didn't mean to end on a negative note. And really, it's not so negative. Realizing that, while mine and Ben's relationship was very good for a long time, it wasn't perfect. Hopefully, now, I can find someone who can give me the comfort and security I didn't always feel with him.
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