Weekend Update...Like SNL

It's been a great weekend and I'm a little sad that it's almost over. Actually, my weekends have drastically improved since graduation. Even though I'm still really busy during the week, how wonderful it is to not have papers, exams, or other assignments to worry about Friday through Sunday. I feel like I have a life again.

It really started on Thursday... Brandon came to see me. I'd decided I was going to cook dinner for him because, the last couple times I've been at his place, he's not only cooked dinner but also breakfast. I chose spaghetti because, let's be honest, that's one of the few dishes I know how to make (I hope to improve my cooking skills now that I have a little more time). Dinner turned out well but, what was even better is that Brandon volunteered to do the dishes. Yes, I know, not a huge deal but it really said something to me. I was impressed. I'm not used to that kind of treatment. I haven't had it in a while. Plus...Brandon and I are actually thinking about moving in together. And seeing that the domestic responsibilities would likely be 50/50 makes me feel even better about the decision.

On Friday, I met up with Dr. O'Dekirk for lunch. This was the first time I'd seen him since February so I was very excited about it. We went to a place called Zoe's Kitchen where I'd never been before. My sandwich was super messy but delicious. I love talking with Odie because he's so encouraging and supportive...not to mention interested in everything that's been going on with me. He wanted to hear about Brandon, graduation, friends, job prospects... I usually end up talking so much about my life that I forget to ask about his...something I end up feeling guilty about but he doesn't even seem to mind. He mentioned that things haven't been going well at Meredith, due to budget cuts and such. Women's Studies was cut a while back (at a women's college...ironic). Now, Psychology is merging with Social Work and possibly Sociology. Religion has been combined with several other departments. Faculty and staff positions are getting cut now. It really broke my heart to hear that I place I love so dearly is falling apart over something like money. It actually makes me glad that I graduated when I did and didn't have to witness what's happening these days. I'm even sort of relieved that I didn't get the RD position this year like I was hoping. Maybe, if another position like that opens up in the future, the state of the college will be better.

After lunch, I met up with Kenny at the mall. I first met Kenny through the Fine family. He's Jason's roommate at Carolina Beach. I didn't interact with him much while James and I were dating but we've been in touch since Molly and I spend the weekend down there in March. We hung out at the mall for a bit while waiting for Molly to get there. He even bought me a cookie and a Coke. When she arrived, the three of us went back to her apartment where we would hang out until dinner. It was fun to have Kenny there and he seemed comfortable. He even let Molly straighten his hair (actually, I think he asked her to do it), which was amusing to watch. Dinner that night was at Carrabba's. They don't take reservations so we called ahead about an hour before we were set to arrive. Nevertheless, we ended up waiting about an hour and a half to be seated. It wasn't so bad though. The company was good, we had time to take pictures and for Molly to open her gifts, and they brought out free appetizers since our wait was so long. And the food was worth the wait...as was the champagne Sara recommended that I try. Everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves. After dinner, all 11 of us went back to Molly's apartment for some incredible cookie cake and chatting. Then, a few of us went to Bogart's downtown for dancing. I actually wasn't thrilled at the idea of going dancing. I've noticed that I feel pretty out of place at the club. I don't know if it's because I'm getting older or because, when I used to really like it, I was going through some sort of phase. Either way, I was glad when we didn't stay too long (not to mention the fact that my new shoes were KILLING my feet). Don't get me wrong, I love to dance but I think it's the atmosphere of the club. When we were at Molly's apartment, Sara suggested that we turn on some music and dance there...I was secretly hoping that would be the chosen option. But Molly was the birthday girl and it was important to do what she wanted to do. Overall, I thought the night went splendidly.

The whole group at Carrabba's.

A few of the ladies at Bogart's.

Saturday, Molly, Leah, and I met up with Sam at none other than The Cupcake Shoppe. That is my happy place. I had the flavor of the week which was chocolate raspberry and it was incredible. Leah and Sam had never been there before so I was excited to introduce them to one of my favorite places in Raleigh. Afterward, the four of us went to the mall. Sam, Leah, and I are deprived of a good mall in Greenville so we had to take advantage of the opportunity. I went in Lush for the first time, which Sara had told me about. They were playing the Glee soundtrack! I didn't end up buying anything but they had gained my respect. Eventually, it was time to go our separate ways. Molly and Leah went back to Molly's place while Sam and I took off for Southpoint for a little more shopping. Sam was on a mission to find what she calls "the monkey skirt" at Anthropology. She didn't end up getting it but I hadn't been out there in a long time and the change of scenery was nice. Sam and I had dinner at PF Changs (another first for Sam) with Jamie, which was great. We stayed at the restaurant for almost 2 and a half hours, just chatting. We hadn't seen Jamie since graduation, which feels like forever when you're used to seeing each other nearly every day. We caught each other up on our lives. Right now, we're all in the same boat...just looking for a decent job. I was relieved to see that, even though we're not in school anymore, the three of us still had a ton to talk about. I was afraid that my cohort and I would no longer have anything in common and would drift apart. I don't think I need to worry about that with Sam or Jamie. We drove back to Greenville last night and I was really wishing I had someone with me because the weather was terrible. It was dark, raining, and foggy. I'm pretty sure I went about 15 MPH under the speed limit for most of the trip because I was so nervous. People were whizzing past me, which I just couldn't understand. I was praying the whole way and, thank God, we made it back safely.

I'm a bit sad that I wasn't able to see Brandon this weekend (his friends came down to Wilmington to visit him) but I'm really grateful that I had the chance to spend some time with my ladies. Here's to more fun-filled weekends to come!

MASTER'S Degree Does Have a Nice Ring To It...

I finally have a moment to update my blog! I need to get better at this because writing these tremendously long entries gets exhausting. Well, there's really no way to recap the last 3 months as they've been crazy but I'll touch on the most important moments.

First of all, I started dating someone. He's actually someone I've sort of known for a few years now and he expressed some interest in me about a year ago but, at the time, I was dating James. His name is Brandon and he's the older brother of my friend, Tiffany. Here's the story... Last March, Tiffany got married. It was a small ceremony with just family and the couple's closest friends. In May, Tiffany and Mike had a reception to celebrate with the rest of their friends who weren't able to attend the wedding. Of course, I was there and so was Brandon. I had a "date" that night but it wasn't James (well, it was a James but not the one I was currently in a relationship with). We had a nice dinner and then went back to Tiffany's parents' house to mingle. That's where I met Brandon (it was actually the 2nd or 3rd time we'd met but probably the first time we had a real conversation). He and I started talking but he was apparently under the impression that my date was my boyfriend. Nevertheless, he asked Tiffany if she thought I would be interested in dinner. Too bad I was taken. So I didn't hear or speak of Brandon until February. After James and I broke up, I was on the verge of falling asleep one night when the thought of Brandon popped into my mind. I figured he was probably dating someone at that point...after all, it had been nearly a year. But I decided to contact Tiffany anyway, just in case. As it turned out, she thought he was seeing someone. Oh well, I thought, it just wasn't meant to be. Fast forward a couple weeks later. Tiffany came home for a visit from Canada where she and her husband are now living. I'm having dinner with her and a few other Meredith girls when she brings up Brandon. Apparently, he is not only single but interested. Suddenly, I was quite giddy. At the end of the night (after a few too many adult beverages and certainly after a few too many comments about how cute Brandon is), I scribbled my number on a piece of paper for Tiffany to give to her brother. Two days later, we had a date. To make an already long story a little shorter...the date went VERY well and after several more that went very well, we decided to make it "official" (Facebook official, in fact). And there it is. Brandon has been really great for me so far. He helped me get through the last really tough months of grad school and never stopped encouraging or supporting me when I was ready to give up. Even now, I know that I can call him after a bad day and he'll make me feel better. He's always pushing me to think more positively, which is exactly what I need. He was completely cool about meeting all my friends and family (which he was pretty much forced to do during graduation weekend). He's attentive and considerate which, let's be honest, I'm not really used to. He was a pleasant surprise. :)

Brandon and me.

Secondly, I turned 24. That seems kind of strange to me. 24. Next is 25. Quarter-life crisis? I hope not. I don't know where I expected to be at 24 but it seems like just yesterday that I was turning 21...a junior at Meredith. Wow...how things have changed since then. My birthday was good. My friends and I had dinner at CPWs, a restaurant in Greenville I've been wanting to check out since I moved here but never had the opportunity. The service wasn't great and it was a little more pricey than I'd expected but the food was good and I think everyone enjoyed it. Ashley and Marty came in from Siler City, which was nice and unexpected. After dinner, most of us came back to mine and Sam's place for games, gifts, and drinks. It was low-key and relaxed. Brandon fit right in with my friends and Sara was finally able to meet some of my cohort. And not to be materialistic but...my gifts were amazing. My friends know that 3 things in this world make me very happy...cupcakes, scrapbooking, and feminism. God bless 'em.

Third, I graduated. Wait...what was that? I FREAKIN' GRADUATED FROM GRAD SCHOOL!!! It still doesn't feel real that I'm the holder of a Master's degree. Granted, I'm still trying to finish up my hours...more about that in a minute though. Graduation weekend is a bit of a blur. Friday night, we had our cohort graduation party at Winslow's Tavern in downtown Greenville. I'd never been there before so I was excited to check it out. Everyone brought their families to the party and, probably for the first time since we started school, everyone in the cohort was in attendance. Mom, Dad, Molly, and Brandon joined me for dinner. It was a really good time, actually. I was glad to finally introduce my parents to all the people I've been talking about for the last two years. And my friends could finally see where I came from. I was especially excited about giving out the gifts I made for everyone...a CD which included a song for each person as well as several "cohort" songs. That night, Molly, Brandon, and Sam's friend, Josh, stayed at our apartment. Like a bunch of old folks, we turned in early...just to rise early the next morning. Graduation day was completely chaotic. To start, everyone was trying to get ready at the same time, Sam realized there were holes in her graduation dress, she couldn't find the ingredients to make some dips for her party later, my shoes were already killing my feet, and my bra was showing...what a way to begin the day! The graduation ceremony itself was long and, as it was happening, it wasn't really sinking in. When I walked across the stage, I was so focused on not falling, stepping out of my shoes, or letting my cap fall off that I barely remember doing it. After being "hooded", I walked by all the faculty on the way back to my seat and hugged all the MFT professors, along with a few CDFR professors like Priti, Dr. Sira, and Dr. T. Poor Damon was crying...we were his first graduating class. I'm quite surprised that I didn't cry. After such a long and trying journey, I thought I would be emotional upon it coming to an end. But I wasn't. Honestly, I think my favorite part of the whole ceremony was finding my family, Molly, and Brandon amongst the crowd, waving at them, and seeing the proud looks on their faces.

Molly, me, and Brandon after the ceremony.

After graduation, it was time to head to the clinic for a group picture, as is tradition. I was already beginning to get stressed out. Graduation ran over time, traffic was awful, and I could see that we weren't going to make our 12:00 lunch reservation. And did I mention it was HOT? Fortunately, we finally made it to the clinic and were able to push lunch back a bit. Many, MANY pictures later, we were headed to Chico's for lunch, where we met up with Leah. I'm glad she was able to meet my family and they were able to meet her. She's been a big part of my life over the last year. Lunch went well...even Dad and Grandma didn't complain too much about the food...and I had a large celebratory strawberry margarita, which was delicious and served to calm my nerves. :)

The survivors of the MFT program...and our faculty.

When lunch was over, it was time for Trish, Robbie, Grandma, and Brandon to head out. Mom and Dad accompanied me to Garner where Jamie's family was throwing her a graduation party. Some of my cohort was there as well. We didn't stay too long because, at that point, we were exhausted, but the festivities included food, cake, and a pinata...always a recipe for fun. Mom and Dad dropped me off at Meredith, where I'd be staying with Molly for the night, and went home. Sitting in my car, waiting for Molly to return, I made the mistake of listening to the CD I made for my cohort. I was barely through Sam's song when I started crying. My exhaustion coupled with the epicness of the day...I just couldn't take it. I began reflecting on the last two years and just felt really sad...probably for the first time...that they were over. It was my cohort I was mostly thinking about. I'm truly going to miss seeing these people. One day, you're together for 12 out of 24 hours and the next, you're not seeing each other at all. It's just weird.

Jamie, Jodi, Bryan, Kristy, and me at Jamie's party.

And so, that's pretty much where I am now. Graduated but still finishing my hours and searching for a job, like probably half the country. My hours are coming along slowly...I'm in the final stretch and, some days, I feel like I'm never going to finish but, as Brandon tells me, I can't give up because I WILL make it eventually. And some SERIOUS celebrating will be in order when that happens. Until then, I'm just trying to enjoy the additional free time I have since I'm no longer in class. I've started a new scrapbook spanning the last two years and I'm VERY excited about that. I love having a project to work on. I also have more time to visit Brandon, who is now living in Wilmington. And I can do things on the weekends without feeling guilty or rushing back to Greenville because I have a ton of work to do.

With grad school finished, I'm wondering what the next chapter of my life will hold. I'm both nervous and excited to find out.

They say that all's fair in love and war...except there's absolutely nothing fair about either.

In my last entry, I promised that another update would be soon to follow...but it's been 2 weeks. My apologies. It is simply a testament to how things have been this semester and how they will continue to be. And honestly, I have to be in the mood to write. Sometimes, I just don't feel like dealing with all the emotions that are stirred up when I write. I don't divulge everything here but, even so, it's usually just easier to avoid it altogether. Everything has been sort of nuts so I'll just touch on the most important things from the last 2 weeks, starting with this weekend.

It seems just crazy to me that today is Valentine's Day. Where in the world is 2010 going? Has time always gone by this quickly? I've been told that time passes more quickly the older you get and I'm really beginning to believe it. After James and I broke up, I certainly wasn't looking forward to this day. It was to be the second Valentine's Day in a row for which I would be alone. I realize that some people don't care about the holiday or don't even believe it's a holiday at all...that it was just created to make money for card, flower, and candy companies. That's likely very true but, nothing draws more attention to your singleness than being alone on Valentine's Day. And when you're recently single, it's that much worse. However, this weekend has gone really well and it's hardly even bothered me that I didn't have some romantic date planned. Yesterday afternoon, Molly came into town. We've been planning for a while to spend this holiday weekend together, seeing as how neither of us had official Valentine's. She surprised me with quite possibly the best surprise ever. She specially ordered mini cupcakes, in red velvet (my favorite) and vanilla (her favorite) from The Cupcake Shoppe in Raleigh. On the top of each was a letter and they spelled out "Happy V-Day to my BFF". I was really...touched. It just seems like I'm always the one coming up with things like that to do for other people. How nice it was to have someone think of doing something nice for me. I told Molly yesterday that she and I probably have the most reciprocal relationship I've had with anyone - friend or boyfriend. In the majority of my relationships and friendships, I give way more than I get. Not that I give with the expectation of getting something in return but I like to know that someone thinks of me, wants to do something special for me just because I'm special to them. My amazing Valentine's Day cupcakes from Molly.

Last night, Sam, Molly, Leah, and I had dinner at Chico's, one of our favorite spots in town. Afterward, we met up with Jodi and saw Valentine's Day. It didn't phase me that the theater was filled with mostly couples. I was just glad to be seeing a sweet, feel-good movie with my girls. What better way to spend Valentine's Day? The movie actually was better than I expected. Sam and Jodi weren't crazy about it because it's not their kind of movie but I think the rest of us enjoyed it. Movies like that make me feel hopeful that there is someone out there for me. There's a song too, "Haven't Met You Yet" by Michael Buble that makes me feel that way as well. I'm hanging onto those things. It would be easy to just give up and tell myself that I'll never find "the one" (if there is such a thing and I hope there is).The ladies at Chico's.

Today, Sam, Molly, and I went to church. I wanted to introduce Molly to Discovery because it's another one of those things that makes me feel hopeful. I don't think she was crazy about it as church isn't exactly her thing but, as my best friend, I needed her to see that part of me. Being a Christian is something that I've never really embraced until now, mostly because I didn't grow up attending church as most kids did. I wish I would have because now I feel like I'm playing catch up. As much as I enjoy going to church, I've let fear of being ignorant stop me from getting more involved. I worry that I'll embarrass myself by how little I know of God and the Bible. It's something I'll have to work on and be ready for. I would also like to be baptized because I never have been and I could certainly stand to be forgiven for A LOT of things. But again, I guess that's something I'm not quite ready for. Today was part 2 of a series called "Where Are You" about actually hearing what God has to say to you. Jason (our pastor) said today that, when those little ideas pop into your head and you're not exactly sure where they came from, that's God. This struck me because that happens all the time! And usually, it's not the most appealing thing that the voice is telling me to do. By appealing, I mean comfortable...and it usually involves reaching out to other people or doing something I may not want to do but know is right. It never even crossed my mind that that could be God speaking. I'm going to try harder from now on to not only listen, but to do what God is telling me to do. For me though, I think the hardest thing is just listening. I get so wrapped up in being busy that I don't allow myself to just stop and listen.

After church, Molly and I dined at IHOP (Sam was doing pre-marital therapy and couldn't join us) and it satisfied, as always. Then we went to the mall which didn't satisfy, as always (I just really don't like the Greenville mall). Upon returning home, we both took a nap. There's something really great about a Sunday afternoon nap. I used to take them quite often but, nowadays, my Sundays tend to be so busy that I feel guilty for falling asleep. Molly being here, though, seemed like a good excuse to nap instead of getting schoolwork done. We were both hungry after waking and grabbed some dinner at McAlister's before she left for Raleigh. It's always sad to see her go but we realized today that we'll be seeing each other for, at least, the next 3 weekends. That made parting a little bit easier. When I was complaining about Greenville earlier (as I do often) she brought to my attention that I could be in Maryland or New York (where I also applied to grad programs). That was a good point. I really would be miserable then (maybe...probably).

Speaking of school and whatnot...things have been going pretty well so far this semester. Right now, my main focus is accumulating the hours that I've been lacking since we started doing therapy. I've even joined the other two teams so that I can pick up more client contact hours (and gain experience, of course). I thought I would hate it but it's actually been sort of enjoyable having all three supervisors instead of just one and being able to see all of my classmates work instead of just the 2 who are on my team. It does take up a lot of time though - my Monday and Thursday nights are dedicated to team in addition to Wednesday afternoon for my own team. I've also started seeing two separate families for in-home therapy, one with Jamie and one with Marina. I really like doing co-therapy with Jamie because I feel like she and I are on the same page most of the time. And our family is very cool so that helps. I've just been trying to grab hours wherever I can and it's running me ragged. I have to keep my eye on the prize though...May 7th...GRADUATION. Hallelujah.

As for life in general... I'm trying to really work on myself. What I mean by that is learning who I am and accepting what I find. That has been my biggest obstacle in life, I think. Loving myself unconditionally. And that's what I'm working toward now. I bought these 3 books on self-esteem and I have high hopes for them. My task now is just finding the time to read them thoroughly. I know that I'm my worst critique and much harder on myself than I am on anyone else. I'm not sure where that comes from but it permeates every aspect of my life. I am literally my own worst enemy, the biggest block to my getting what I want. So now, I want to move toward changing that. Breaking up with James helped me to realize that I've already changed in some ways. Someone pointed out to me that, a year ago, I would have taken so much more before ending the relationship. And that's true. Somewhere along the way, I've gained self-respect and a knowledge that I deserve more than what I was getting. I know that, right now, I need to be alone. As in, I don't need to be in a relationship. I have a million other things to focus on, too many other things that would be taking my attention away from being with someone. There's school, of course. And, the other night, I realized just how concerned about James I still am and, as much as I want to, I can't just turn that off because we're no longer together. He's still in Afghanistan. He's still in danger. And I won't be able to breathe easily until he's home - hopefully in July. Until then, it just wouldn't be fair to date someone else. How can I date a person while I'm still so worried about my ex-boyfriend? In addition, I have a lot to figure out about myself before I can commit to another relationship. That needs to be my mission right now. The only problem is that I can't stop myself from looking for "the one". Every time I meet a new guy or even so much as see someone I could possibly be interested in, I find myself thinking...is this him? Of course not. I just have to trust that he's out there somewhere, wondering where I am too and that, someday, we'll find each other.

Changes

Where to even begin!?

Let's reminisce about Christmas for a moment. Going home these last few times has been an interesting experience, especially since both of my parents are still unemployed. In fact, it's quite depressing. I've been praying for a good while now that something will come along for them but it hasn't yet. It's hard to see your parents so down and out. Christmas is even more tough because, unfortunately, it's turned into a holiday of such excessive spending. And despite what I told them, my parents still went overboard with me. I wish they didn't feel they needed to do that. Christmas Eve was a good time. Sam was supposed to visit (since she wasn't able to fly home to Iowa) but she ended up coming down with something and couldn't make the trip. I was sad that she would be spending Christmas sick and alone in Greenville but there wasn't much I could do. Trish, Robbie, and the kids came down, bringing their new Chihuahua puppy, Fancy. If only Rubie could have made it, they might have been the best of friends. Grandma was there too, of course. We ate dinner, opened gifts, and played Wii. I was having such a good time that I momentarily forgot about everything that was on my mind. James had recently told me that guys were having a difficult time getting flights when trying to go home on leave. Of course, this terrified me and my mind instantly went to the worst case scenario. I pictured him being delayed so long that I had to be back in Greenville before he finally made it home. So that fear had been weighing heavily on me. In fact, on Christmas Day, it was all I could think about. I'm ashamed to say that I was quite the Scrooge. It didn't help that it was pouring rain. All I felt like doing was lying about and any bit of Christmas cheer was wasted on me. Very unlike me, I was happy when the day was over. Then, I didn't feel guilty about being in such a bad mood.

Fast forward a few days later... My mom's side of the family was over. That evening, James called me on Skype and, thanks to borrowing my mom's computer speakers, I heard the call even though I was in another room. It's a good thing too because he ended up asking me if I'd pick him up at the airport when he arrived on January 29th. I was THRILLED. This was way earlier than I'd expected to see him. Not to mention the fact that, a couple months ago, he wasn't keen on the idea of anyone picking him up at the airport. Now, he not only wanted me there, he wanted to stay in Raleigh that night, just the two of us. I was on a cloud for the rest of the evening.

For the next two days, I was a ball of nerves. Excitement too, of course. All these scenarios kept running through my head about how it would be when I first saw him. And as it turns out, I didn't have to pick him up at the airport at all. That Sneaky Pete took an earlier flight and was at a hotel in Raleigh (the Clarion, at which we have much history) before I'd even left my house. When he called to tell me, I flew out of there like a bat out of Hell. It took all I had not to speed the entire way. And when I saw him...it felt like I'd just seen him yesterday. He stepped off the elevator in a white t-shirt and shorts, the only clothes he had aside from his uniform (too bad it was freezing), and it was as though the last 5 months didn't even happen. I squealed and ran at him...how nice it was to kiss him again and feel my arms around him. It just didn't seem real. The whole night was like that. I just kept looking at him because I couldn't believe he was actually there. We both agreed that the time he'd been gone was a blur. It was a very special night...I wish we could have just stayed in that moment. Because after that night, everything began to change.

The next day, we left Raleigh for Denton, where his parents live. That's where we'd be staying for the following 2 weeks. A lot took place during those 2 weeks and it just isn't feasible for me to record everything here (or I'd be typing forever). So, for the highlights... I did some things I never thought I'd do...like shoot a rifle AND a pistol, throw a tomahawk, and go squirrel hunting (though we didn't actually see any). I was pretty much one of the boys for 2 weeks, spending lots of time with James and his two brothers, Michael and Jason. I also got to know his parents much better and realized how amazing they both are. Unfortunately, things weren't going so well between James and I. For the sake of his privacy, I won't go into much detail here but I'll suffice it to say that he had changed a lot over those 5 months. It's funny because, that first night he was home, I was relieved that he was just the same old James. But that was just because the changes hadn't had a chance to reveal themselves. Practically living with him for 2 weeks, however, allowed plenty of time for me to see them.

To make a very long story short, James and I broke up a few days after he returned to Afghanistan. It was a decision I struggled with day and night until I was confident enough to take action. I weighed the pros and cons, I talked and talked and talked with friends...but part of me thinks all that wasn't even necessary because my gut knew what needed to happen. I haven't been the one to end many relationships and this one was especially complicated. There's a lot involved when your significant other is in Afghanistan, even after you do break up. Regardless of what happened between James and I, I loved him (intensely) for 9 months. That doesn't just stop. And, unfortunately, neither does the worrying. Even though he and I haven't talked much during the times he's been online since the break up, it still soothes me to see him on because I know he's safe. I still care about him very much and I wish things could have turned out differently. He's a good man...in a bad situation.

And that should bring you up to speed...at least in the realm of my romantic life. I'll be writing again shortly about school issues, my general take on life at the moment, and the like. ;-)

Things That Matter

I'm not very good at living in the moment. This is something I didn't notice about myself until it was pointed out to me and now, it's very apparent. No matter where I am or what I'm doing, my mind is always somewhere else. Usually, it's in Afghanistan...but not always. Sometimes, while I'm doing one thing, I'm thinking about what I need to do next, where I need to go, when I need to be there. This has been one of my obstacles regarding clients. I have the hardest time being present in the room and really focusing on what they have to say. I do an alright job at first, until someone says something that triggers a thought and away I go. Is this typical of all grad students, students in this program, or just something I'm struggling with personally? I haven't really talked to anyone else about my situation so I can't answer that question. I think one problem is that we all have 10 things that need to be done and are high priority at any given time of the day. I was once very good about writing things down...now, by the time I get the pen and paper, I've already forgotten what I was going to write. This, of course, makes me feel even more out of control because I'm constantly remembering things (at the last minute) that need to be done but there's not enough time in which to do them. I think back to the good 'ole days, when I was prepared and organized. Ha. Those days are gone...at least until May 2010. I've gone on a tangent. My point was that I don't live in the moment. I think about the past and the future...what happened yesterday and what will happen tomorrow. It really isn't a healthy way to live - that's something I've learned. I've probably missed a lot of good moments because I didn't allow myself to enjoy them. I'm always worried that, instead, I'm missing something somewhere else. It's as if, no matter where I am, I'm ready to leave...literally sitting on the edge of my chair, ready to flee at the first opportunity. I'm not sure how this came about. Maybe it's my hectic schedule and I'm always worried about being late to my next appointment. Maybe it started when James left...I'm usually concerned about missing a communication opportunity with him. But that makes sense, right? It's not as if I can just call him up when I'm finished with whatever I'm doing. I think the reasons for my wandering mind are legitimate but that doesn't change the fact that living the way I do isn't beneficial. How do I change this though? Maybe I've always been this way and just never noticed. Or perhaps it coincided with the start of grad school. Either way, it's a bad habit that's going to be difficult to break. And that's what is on my mind this evening.

I haven't written in so long that it would take me days to form a complete update. So, in short... My next-to-last semester of grad school is nearly over. Only a few assignments are separating me from the "freedom" of Christmas break. A vacation is welcome. I can hardly believe that 2009 is coming to an end. I remember thinking how excited I would be on January 1, 2010...knowing that I will graduate later that year. And it's nearly upon us. The new year will be exciting for that reason and another... James is coming home for two weeks of leave starting January 3rd. I keep picturing how it will be to stand face-to-face with him again. Right now, I'm just grateful to see his face via Skype. It's funny how much an e-mail or online chat can make your day when your boyfriend is in Afghanistan. Right now, in fact, I keep checking the time, hoping he'll get online tonight. I imagine that it will be surreal to have him here again, to walk into a room and see him standing there. I think I might just look at him for a while. It'll be nice to hear his voice too. He hasn't called in a while and we're never able to actually talk on Skype because he's in a public place. I remember what it sounds like though. I'm taking off the first week of classes to spend time with him and I'm beyond caring what anybody has to say about it. My priorities have really been solidified in the last few months. For the first time in my life, grades are not the most important.

It's Never Boring Around Here

I can't sleep. My sleep schedule is all thrown off because I didn't work this past week. And some days, I was very lazy. Also, this day has been something else. What happened today was not on the week's agenda.

I was in yet another car accident. Except, this time, I cannot take the credit. Here's the story... I overslept this morning and, therefore, didn't make it to the gym. Because I wanted to start the week off well (ha...irony), I decided to go this afternoon (I usually don't like to go in the afternoons because it's so much more crowded). I knew traffic would probably be bad because it was right after lunchtime but I didn't feel like waiting around. So, off I went. Now, I HATE Greenville Blvd. but, as it is, it is the quickest way to get to several places from my new apartment...including the gym. I'm always extra nervous when driving on Greenville Blvd. because it's packed and people are stupid. Well...that point was proven today. I had just merged into the turn lane when I see (briefly) a white SUV merging as well...right into my car. Everything happened really quickly after that. I was knocked onto two wheels (temporarily) and when the car came to a stop, I was in a turn lane for oncoming traffic. Thank God (literally) that no one was trying to turn at that moment. I was completely freaked out but had enough sense to grab my phone and call 911. By the time the call was finished, I was crying. Two men walked over to my car and said, "You don't need to cry...it wasn't your fault." You bet it wasn't. There was no way I was taking blame for this one. So, to make a long story short...I was hit by a 17 year old girl who, fortunately, was fully insured and was issued a ticket. I tried to contact her insurance company today in hopes of getting a rental (this couldn't happen during the week I was off?) but with no luck. Maybe tomorrow. I complained a lot and was angry about what happened but, truth be told, it could have been A LOT worse. I still can't believe that, until July, I'd never been in a single accident while driving...now, I've been in two. My car was towed, needless to say, and my parents are thinking it's probably not worth fixing. Not sure what I'm going to do about that. However, I am VERY grateful to be okay and that no one else was hurt either. I am also grateful that it wasn't my fault because that meant a lot less yelling from my parents. I didn't escape completely unscathed though. After getting home, I realized that my neck and back were hurting. I didn't want to make a big deal of it but Sam ended up taking me to Urgent Care tonight. The doctor just suggested over the counter pain meds and a heating pad and said I should be feeling better by Thursday or Friday. Again, could have been much worse. I am blessed.

In other news... I'm officially moved into my new apartment with Sam. My bedroom is in order but most everything else is not yet. Even though I was off for a full week, I don't feel like I got much done. I'm sure it will come together in time though. Aside from a few problems starting out, we're liking our new place. I really like my room, probably because I spent more time on it than I did the last one. I figure I'll be in this one more often anyway. It's very comfortable. I never realized how many picture frames I had until I tried to shove them all into one room.

Notice James's "Ranger Challenge" shirt on my bed...and the massive amount of picture frames.

Sam and I have also acquired a new puppy, a Chihuahua, recently named Ruby. Sam is her actual mommy but I get to enjoy her while Sam and I are roommates. She is very much a baby (just born June 1st) and is still getting used to her new surroundings. She cries quite a bit at night but that has improved since the first night we had her. We are also trying to house break her and that is proving to be a slow process (she doesn't really like the feel of grass). She's adorable though and hard not to love.Don't let her fool you...she only LOOKS innocent ;-).

Today marks 21 days since James left for Afghanistan and it's been...okay, so far. We've had much more communication than I would have anticipated. Of course, there is no guarantee that it will stay that way (there goes my pessimism). He's been moving around a lot and still isn't at his permanent location. I'm sure that's been difficult for him and it has been for me as well because I really want to send him stuff...sort of hard to do when you don't exactly have an address. He seems to be doing well, or as well as can be expected. I've been missing him like crazy though, of course. He was the first person I wanted to call when I had that accident today, especially since he came to be at my side the last time. Instead, I had to settle for telling him about it through Facebook chat. I shouldn't complain though...at least I WAS able to tell him, on the day it happened even. I just get so overwhelmed when I think about the remainder of this year, especially with the last year of grad school also looming over my head. James really helped me get through the end of 2nd semester and it's going to be tough not having that support in person. Speaking of support, I've had a lot of it from my loved ones, in regards to James being away. Molly has, of course, been wonderful because she knows what I'm going through. Sam has been great too. And my other friends try to understand and comfort me. It's also been nice communicating with James's mom through e-mails. We can talk to each other about our concerns and how much we miss him. It's also helpful to know when they've heard from him if I haven't. And I've been praying. A LOT. And I will continue to do so. It helps me feel a bit more secure and I have faith that God really is hearing my prayers.

Tomorrow, it's back to reality...i.e. my "vacation" is over. I have clients. And I return to my internship on Wednesday. Classes start next Tuesday, believe it or not, and I'm dreading them. I don't miss last semester one bit and I'm afraid this one is going to be worse (from what I've heard). I am, however, excited to meet my mentee (the 1st year MFT student I've been paired with). She seems very sweet and I think we'll have a lot in common.

Ok, I'm going to try this sleep thing again. Perhaps the melatonin will have kicked in. ;)

First Weekend

This was to be my first weekend since James left and the last thing I wanted to do was sit in my apartment and mope...which is exactly what I would have done if I stayed in Greenville. So it was off to Raleigh for some time with the girls.

On Friday, Jamie had invited me to join her, some family, and the female half of the wedding party at the spa and for lunch. I had a pedicure reservation waiting for me when I arrived and that was SO what I needed. This was better, and longer, than any pedicure I've had before. It was so lovely that I think I could have sat there all day. The spa was extremely nice and I wish I could have afforded to have more done (i.e. a massage). Afterward, we went to The Twisted Fork for lunch and it was delicious. I had an amazing Thai chicken salad. I was debating on whether or not to get dessert (they have incredible desserts at this place - I've tried the creme brulee before and it made me want to slap my mama) but the waitress brought our checks before I could act on my urges. It was probably for the best though, honestly, since I am trying to eat a bit better (of course, my eating was crap the rest of the weekend). As I was leaving the restaurant, my mom called to tell me she was talking to James on Facebook chat. I was a little miffed at this because I was clearly no where near a computer. So I passed on a few messages to him through her before getting over the phone. Everything happened sort of quickly then. I had already been feeling a bit overwhelmed by all the wedding talk at lunch (probably wouldn't have bothered me any other time) and hearing that James was online but I couldn't talk to him upset me all the more. At that moment, Beyonce's "Halo" came on the radio (I was in my car and, for some reason, this song gets to me) AND it started raining. I broke down. It passed quickly but I didn't like feeling weak like that. I've been trying to keep that under control. I know I won't be able to all the time but that didn't feel like the day to lose it. I pulled it together and drove to Hillary's house.

Hillary and I didn't do too much that afternoon - browsed around Quail Ridge Books and Whole Foods and then just hung out at her house for a bit. We did end up seeing The Hangover that night. I have to be fair...it was a hilarious movie. The humor reminded me of Wedding Crashers which I could watch over and over. After liking it so much, I felt sort of bad. James had tried convincing me to see it with him but, because I didn't think it was much my style, I didn't go with him. He was right though. Really funny movie.

On Saturday, I went boating with Sara, her mom Ellen, her uncle Buddy, and her aunt Pam in Oxford. I didn't think I'd ever been on a boat but when I remembered a brief trip I took on Ben's grandparents' boat years ago. That hardly counts though, right? We were on the lake for about 3 hours and it was so relaxing. Spending time with Sara was great too. She's been in Europe this summer and I had not seen her since May. Even before she left, we were rarely able to spend one on one time together because of our crazy schedules. I loved catching up and cruising around on the boat with my Lil Sis.After boating, I met up with Ashley, who had just gotten into town, and Hillary for dinner at Moe's. We then got ready to go downtown, with Travis as our driver. Our first destination was the Hibernian Pub. I was a little wary about this. The Hibernian is where James and I met and I hadn't been there since that weekend. I was worried I might get upset, especially if alcoholic beverages were involved. When we first arrived, my eye definitely fell on the table where James, Kendall, and Tadd were sitting that night. I think I may have wanted to sit there had it not been filled with women. We found a place in the corner and I felt like I was handling it pretty well. We ordered a few drinks but ended up leaving after a short while because it was so HOT. The night was very humid and it felt as if the air conditioning wasn't even on. Just sitting, we were covered in sweat (gross, I know, but true). So much for trying to look good. Our next destination was the Red Room. Fortunately, we knew one of the hostesses and she let us in for free. Perk. This was the kind of place I had been wanting to go all along because there was dancing. All I wanted to do was let my hair down a bit. So we danced. We danced until we were soaked...as was everyone else because it was also very hot in there. What was up with the air in these places? One guy attempted to dance with me and Ashley told him we were all married. It worked. I was sorry for the night to end...it isn't often that I'm able to see my Meredith girls. I hate that I took all that time in the past for granted.
So I survived my first post-deployment weekend, thanks to my friends. I've had pretty good communication with James thus far...via e-mail and Facebook chat mostly. Surprisingly, he gave me a call today. I was at Snow Hill and had just stepped in the room with a patient when he called. He left a message saying he'd arrived in Afghanistan safely, that it was the ugliest place he'd ever seen, and that he would call again soon. Standing in the bathroom, I bawled like a baby. Just hearing his voice made me emotional (yes, I realize it's only been a week) but I was especially upset that I'd missed his call. Fortunately, he called back a couple minutes later and we were able to talk. How GOOD it was to actually talk to him. I plan to get my hands on an international calling card so I can speak with him, especially if he ends up not having much internet access. I can't believe it's only been a week. Not to be pessimistic but...this year is going to suck. Thank God I have good people to depend on.