Friday, November 20, 2009

Things That Matter

I'm not very good at living in the moment. This is something I didn't notice about myself until it was pointed out to me and now, it's very apparent. No matter where I am or what I'm doing, my mind is always somewhere else. Usually, it's in Afghanistan...but not always. Sometimes, while I'm doing one thing, I'm thinking about what I need to do next, where I need to go, when I need to be there. This has been one of my obstacles regarding clients. I have the hardest time being present in the room and really focusing on what they have to say. I do an alright job at first, until someone says something that triggers a thought and away I go. Is this typical of all grad students, students in this program, or just something I'm struggling with personally? I haven't really talked to anyone else about my situation so I can't answer that question. I think one problem is that we all have 10 things that need to be done and are high priority at any given time of the day. I was once very good about writing things, by the time I get the pen and paper, I've already forgotten what I was going to write. This, of course, makes me feel even more out of control because I'm constantly remembering things (at the last minute) that need to be done but there's not enough time in which to do them. I think back to the good 'ole days, when I was prepared and organized. Ha. Those days are least until May 2010. I've gone on a tangent. My point was that I don't live in the moment. I think about the past and the future...what happened yesterday and what will happen tomorrow. It really isn't a healthy way to live - that's something I've learned. I've probably missed a lot of good moments because I didn't allow myself to enjoy them. I'm always worried that, instead, I'm missing something somewhere else. It's as if, no matter where I am, I'm ready to leave...literally sitting on the edge of my chair, ready to flee at the first opportunity. I'm not sure how this came about. Maybe it's my hectic schedule and I'm always worried about being late to my next appointment. Maybe it started when James left...I'm usually concerned about missing a communication opportunity with him. But that makes sense, right? It's not as if I can just call him up when I'm finished with whatever I'm doing. I think the reasons for my wandering mind are legitimate but that doesn't change the fact that living the way I do isn't beneficial. How do I change this though? Maybe I've always been this way and just never noticed. Or perhaps it coincided with the start of grad school. Either way, it's a bad habit that's going to be difficult to break. And that's what is on my mind this evening.

I haven't written in so long that it would take me days to form a complete update. So, in short... My next-to-last semester of grad school is nearly over. Only a few assignments are separating me from the "freedom" of Christmas break. A vacation is welcome. I can hardly believe that 2009 is coming to an end. I remember thinking how excited I would be on January 1, 2010...knowing that I will graduate later that year. And it's nearly upon us. The new year will be exciting for that reason and another... James is coming home for two weeks of leave starting January 3rd. I keep picturing how it will be to stand face-to-face with him again. Right now, I'm just grateful to see his face via Skype. It's funny how much an e-mail or online chat can make your day when your boyfriend is in Afghanistan. Right now, in fact, I keep checking the time, hoping he'll get online tonight. I imagine that it will be surreal to have him here again, to walk into a room and see him standing there. I think I might just look at him for a while. It'll be nice to hear his voice too. He hasn't called in a while and we're never able to actually talk on Skype because he's in a public place. I remember what it sounds like though. I'm taking off the first week of classes to spend time with him and I'm beyond caring what anybody has to say about it. My priorities have really been solidified in the last few months. For the first time in my life, grades are not the most important.