Sunday, September 28, 2008

Just So You Know...

For those of you who do read my blog...thank you. I appreciate you. However, you will probably not see much from me in the next few days, maybe the next couple weeks. I'm experiencing some very personal...turmoil at the moment. I barely have the energy or attention to complete those things that are absolutely necessary (i.e. school work, eating, bathing, etc.), much less other, less essential, things. Once my life is back on track (who knows when that will be), I'll write again.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Better Day

It's nearly 1am and I should clearly be sleeping, especially since I'm driving to Raleigh in the morning. However, I have the urge to write. I think I'm addicted to this blogging thing. Ooh, it's thundering. Maybe it will snow in 7 days? No, I guess that doesn't apply in the fall, does it? Or in Greenville. Ha. Anyway, the weather is not what I signed on to write about.

Today started out a bit rough. It was tough to wake up this morning after last night's breakdown. I guess I had really worn myself out. And the weather wasn't helping (there I go again) because it was so gloomy. On top of that, I knew I had a day of studying (or, at least, fake studying) ahead of me with my first Research Methods test tonight. That would make anyone want to stay in bed. After a few hours, though, I started feeling a bit better. I lit a candle and made some coffee - two things I rarely do but just felt like doing today. It was actually sort of therapeutic. By the time I left for campus, I was in a decent mood.

I got to school a bit early today so I could interview Damon (my professor for Family Therapy Theories) for an assignment that's due in November. Yes, believe it or not, the Procrastination Queen is actually trying to get ahead. I had to ask him about an ethical dilemma and the one he gave me reiterated what he said at the beginning of the interview - not all ethical violations will be black and white. However, I was hoping that it would be a bit more juicy than it was. Oh well. Afterward, he asked some questions about me - where I'm from, where I got my undergraduate degree, etc. When I told him about Meredith, he was a bit surprised as he didn't realize there were that many women's colleges around anymore. So I had to fill him in a bit on the Meredith culture. He asked the question that many people ask of women's college students - how did we meet guys? Why is that everyone's first concern? Oh, and people normally ask if we're all lesbians. Thank God Damon didn't. Don't those questions sort of contradict each other though? I don't understand why there are so many misconceptions about women's colleges. Did people ask those questions of men's colleges (when there were some)? I mean, back in the day, only men were even allowed to go to college. Was it a concern that they were gay? Why is it so unheard of that women would only want to go to school with women? Personally, I loved not having guys in the classroom or even on the campus. That's not why I was going to college. And the ones who were for that reason could take their little butts to State. ;) Anyway, Damon told me that I was "an excellent writer" which I REALLY appreciated, especially since I've been doubting both my skills and intelligence lately. He was fun to talk to and I'm glad I got the opportunity to interact with him one on one. I hope I have that same chance with my other professors throughout the semester.

Then came the dreaded Research Methods exam. I really had no idea what to expect and, even though it was open book/open notebook, I was nervous. As it turned out, it was really easy. But because I finished quickly and thought it was easy, I was even more nervous. Then she proceeded to grade them right in front of we sat in silence waiting for everyone to finish. She didn't want us to leave because there were a few things she wanted to talk about after the test. I wish I would have brought something to do. I haven't had to sit around after a test since high school. And what she talked to us about was a little confusing. She tiptoed around what she really wanted to say. She kept alluding to some sort of inappropriate behavior that she had observed but she never said what it was. How can we avoid said inappropriate behavior if we don't even know what it is? I have a feeling though that it's the whispers and facial expressions we make during class. When that occurred to me, I felt sort of guilty. I don't want to be inappropriate or immature in class. It's just that SOMETIMES, I have to make a face. That's just the way it is in this class. But I'm going to try to be least more subtle. After class, a few of us had a venting session in the parking lot. That's fair though, right? We're not doing it in front of her face. I was in a good mood when I left campus because I did well on the test :).

Something else put me in a good mood too... Before class was over, Kristy asked if I wanted to come over to do homework this weekend. I know it's simple but it was a nice gesture. I think she knows that I get a little lonely over the weekends. Maybe I'm starting to make some connections after all.

As a final note - Ellen Pompeo of Grey's Anatomy is going to be at MY Meredith College this Saturday speaking about Barack Obama's campaign. What?? How random is this? I thought it was a joke when I first heard it. But it's true. And, if I can talk myself into staying in Raleigh a little longer, I'm going to try to see her. That's too good an opportunity to pass up, right? I try not to get starstruck but, let's be honest, I love Grey's Anatomy and if the star of it is going to be that close to me, how can I not, at least, try to be there? If only it could be Patrick Dempsey...

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Rough Night

So, today started out well. I had my favorite class, which is Family Systems Theory. On the surface, it sounds very dry, doesn't it? But it's actually much easier for me to wrap my head around than my other theory class. And Dr. Hill has great stories and quotes. I find myself looking up his quotes after I get home. I love when he gets passionate about today when he was talking about the state of our economy and how obvious it is that everything that happens in our country affects other countries and vice versa. Anyway, it's always interesting. We talked a bit about An Inconvenient Truth and, now, I really want to read that or see the documentary. After Hillary watched it, she went into recycle mode and has been ever since. It's good though - she showed me the benefits of recycling and such. Even if she could be a bit obnoxious about it sometimes (wink - love you, Hillary). Dr. Hill read a quote by Stephen Hawking about how, at the rate we're going, in a millennium, the Earth will resemble Venus. And unless you missed the memo, you know that Venus cannot sustain life. That's SCARY and, for me, enough to make me take a few extra steps to the recycling bin.

It wasn't until this evening that things got a bit sour. I was talking to Ben on the phone and he mentioned some things that just didn't sit well with me. Albeit, it probably has A LOT to do with the fact I'm a little PMS-y, I will admit that. But I had a bit of a meltdown after we got off the phone. When I'm upset over a little thing, everything that has bothered me in the last week, or even month, starts spilling out. It's a little ridiculous. When I'm like that, I have a very hard time putting things in perspective. I started thinking about how Ben was meeting people, being liked by people...and I feel like I'm all alone up here in Greenville. Everyone keeps telling me that it will get better and, maybe it's just hard to distance myself from it enough right now to see that. A lack of confidence in myself is a big problem. I thought I had gotten over those issues in undergrad but they have recently resurfaced. I realize that I felt confident at Meredith because I was in a safe place that I loved. Now that I don't feel so safe, I'm doubting myself and why I'm here. And it's something that I can't change overnight. I've been trying to surround myself with things and people I know will make me feel good but that doesn't always do the trick. It has to come from within and I haven't figured that out yet. I wish I could stop attributing my value to what other people think of me. I don't want to care what other people think. I want to just know that I'm a good person, worthy of loving and being loved without someone having to tell me so. I want to know that I am in this program because I'm qualified and they think I'm going to make a good therapist. Of course, just because I want these things doesn't make them happen.

Fortunately, I have a pretty good support system - even if they're not located in Greenville - and, by the end of the evening, I was feeling a little better. It really is true that people need other people to survive.

On that note, I should go to bed. I have a test to study for tomorrow (my first grad school test!) that I'm really looking forward to. ;)

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Another Weekend Winds Down

Greetings from Sunday night. It's nice to just sit here, blogging and watching the Emmy's. I hope everyone had a good weekend. Mine wasn't too stressful. Friday, I was quite the bum...well, academically anyway. I did get to the bank and the gym, so I wasn't completely unproductive. And I did about 3 hours of assistantship work, trying to boost those hours. Early on Saturday, I was starting to feel the loneliness creeping in. I had sent an e-mail Friday night to the MFT cohort, asking if anyone wanted to do something this weekend. As of Saturday morning, no one had replied and I was beginning to wonder if no one wanted to play with me. Fortunately though, before I could get too blue, Jodi e-mailed saying that she and Rasheeka were going to lunch and a movie and asked if I wanted to go. I contemplated only doing lunch, then coming back to the apartment for homework. Then, I figured, why? So I could regret missing out on fun and a movie? That would have been silly. So we had lunch at Chili's and saw Lakeview Terrace. I thought it was a good movie. Not to ruin it for anyone but Samuel L. Jackson's character is straight up CRAZY. He does it well, though. It was one of those movies that just made me angry and I couldn't wait to see the bad guy get his. Anyway, it was good to get out. I did a little reading when I got home but certainly not much. Today, however, was my day to get caught up...not only on homework but laundry. Whew...Sundays are so thrilling. It took me a few hours to get through my reading because it was thick with theory. I'm still not confident that I understand anything I read. Having to be knowledgeable of these theories by the end of the semester sort of freaks me out.

I was able to talk to Hillary for a little bit today. She seems to be doing well, just missing everyone in the states. I can understand that. Being in Europe last semester gave me a taste. I remember being SO homesick one night. I had gotten a really sweet e-mail from Ben and, after reading it, I just couldn't stop crying. I felt so far away from him and my family. Being exhausted, as we so often were, didn't help. It passed though and I'm sure Hillary's will too. At least, I doubt her homesickness will be constant. She'll get busy and enmeshed in the Austrian culture. I can't help being a little jealous. I mean, I'm in Greenville for goodness sakes. But I'm happy that she has this experience. How many people can say they studied abroad twice during their college career? Lucky girl.

Last week, I made a list of all the assignments that are due this semester and when they're due. Looking at October and November (and well, December too, to be honest) made me nervous. Things are going to be happening really quickly and I'm worried about how I will get everything done. And these aren't easy assignments...they will take time and actual work. I feel like I should always be working ahead but I need time to take a break too, right? My goal is just to not have to do anything over Fall Break. I want to dedicate all of my time during those four days to be with Ben.

So, that was my weekend along with a few things that are on my mind tonight. If this week isn't too crazy (and you never know), I will update again soon. :)

Friday, September 19, 2008

No Class Fridays

What have I done today? Well, not much. Nothing academic...yet. I feel bad about that but I just don't feel motivated today. And I have so much I could be doing. It's as if, after Research Methods on Thursday night, I just don't want to do anything for the rest of the week. Speaking of Research Methods, I got some pretty disturbing news last night. My RM professor is teaching Stats next semester, which I have to take. When she said that, the mouths of everyone in class just fell open. I was REALLY hoping to be done with this woman in December. I can't believe I have her for another class next semester. Of all the great professors I have, I get to have her twice. Sigh. I just don't understand her train of thought and it's so frustrating. For instance, she starts one example and before she finishes that one, she's on to another, totally different example. I don't doubt that she knows this material, I just don't think she knows how to teach it. You can be a genius and not know how to teach, right? I don't think any of us are learning what we're supposed to be. I have a feeling that the textbook will be teaching this to me. And Stats? That's all about math! Math is not my topic! How is she going to teach me math? Oh man...I'm dreading it.

After I got out of class last night, I talked to my mom. She hit a deer last night. Or the deer hit her, as she described it. Her car is totaled. Bad news (or in this case, bad events) never have good timing, do they? What's more is that she doesn't have rental coverage on her insurance policy. I'm not sure what she's going to do. I hope she's able to get a car (or rental car) without too much money/trouble.

I've decided something about myself. I'm never going to be that polished girl. Nope...I'm always going to be a little disheveled. My hair, makeup, and clothes will never be perfect. That's just the way it is. I don't have it in me. It's something I need to come to terms with.

My mom asked me last night if I was happy. I told her no. I don't know if that was fair though. Am I as happy as I possibly could be? No. I would much rather be near Ben and my best friends. I would rather already have my Masters. But it isn't that easy, is it? So, my answer would have to be, I'm okay. I have to keep reminding myself that this is temporary. I'm scared though that I'm spending too much time rushing the days and not enough time trying to enjoy them. It's hard. I don't want to look back on this time and feel like I wasted it. Then again, let's be honest, if I get my Masters, it won't be a waste, regardless of how I spend the rest of my time.

Rasheeka, a friend of mine in the MFT program, has been making lots of great and supportive comments on my blog, which I appreciate. I feel like she and I are on the same wavelength. She mentioned how the ladies (and Bryan, of course) in the MFT program need to be there for each other during the tough times. I do hope that's the way it works out. Having a support system is really important and I feel like the one I've always had is far away...

On a brighter note, I'm going to stay with Sarah Beeler next weekend and will be seeing Sara Croninger's new show. I'm very excited and can't wait to see my ladies. :)


I just realized something while I was getting ready for bed... I'm probably the most isolated of all the MFT students. And by isolated, I mean devoid of human interaction...or really any live thing. Think about it. I live alone...I don't even have a pet. I know none of my neighbors. My boyfriend is in another state. My best friends are in another city. I have no family in Greenville. I'm beginning to wonder why I did this to myself. Well, I mean, the only thing I could really control was whether I had a roommate or pet...the rest was out of my hands if I wanted to go to grad school. The other night, I was reading about accredited MFT programs and there was a list of all the ones in the US. There were 3 in Georgia and, just out of curiosity, I Mapquested them to see how far they were from Atlanta. None were within and hour and a half of the city. Sigh. Of course, it's not like I could transfer or anything. And besides, regardless of my grievances with this program, I think it's the one for me if I really want to be an MFT. Which I do...right? I can't believe I was thinking about going to Syracuse. I could really see me now...depressed and cold.

I really need to crack down tomorrow because I hardly got anything done today. I constantly feel this pressure to do stuff. I can't just sit and watch television anymore without feeling guilty. But I guess this is the way it's going to be for the next couple years. Dr. O'Dekirk said that a person can deal with (most) anything for two years. I hope he's right. I don't mean to sound so down or so negative but these are things I'm experiencing for the first time. The transition has not been easy for me. And maybe it hasn't been easy for the others either...we just don't talk about it. I wish we did...I could use that. I feel like everyone else is just so SURE. What if I end up being that person who doesn't make it? Angela said they'd only lost a few students along the way... I don't want to be a failure.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Family Values

I'm watching The 40 Year Old Virgin and for some reason, that just hinders my ability to concentrate on assistantship work. Weird. Anyway, I think I'm done with work for the evening and am going to blog for a bit instead. I've been sort of a bum today. I took a nap, for one thing. That was common in undergrad but nowadays, I feel like such a slacker if I fall asleep! Sometimes, you just have to though, right? And I haven't read anything but I'm saving that for tomorrow, before my dreaded Research Methods class. I think it's cruel to have that class at 6pm on a Thursday night. Not to mention the fact that it will soon interfere with watching Grey's Anatomy. Tragic. On a lighter note, Steve Carell makes me laugh.

We shared our genograms in class today and that was an interesting experience. I was in a group with three ladies who were all older than me, none of whom are in the MFT program. I was a little hesitant at first to share my personal family history with them but it actually turned out really well. They were inquisitive, intrigued, and supportive. When I mentioned how much I've struggled thus far this semester (more so in the very beginning than now), they instantly became very maternal, which I appreciated. They insisted that I would make it through the program and wouldn't quit. Even though they don't know me well (better now than before I shared my genogram), it was good to hear that from them. I enjoyed talking about my family...even though the patterns I found while doing my genogram were disturbing. First of all, a LOT of people in my family have dealt with or are dealing with alcohol or substance abuse. Secondly, almost everyone has been divorced at least once. Yeah, that's right, AT LEAST once. It scares me a little. When I was younger, I was really afraid that I too was destined for divorce. However, Dr. Hill often says something in class that gives me hope...our history does not define our destiny. So I have some sort of say in what happens to me. I'm thinking that, if I don't do a thesis, I might take an elective in substance abuse. I think it would help me come to terms with my family and give me the skills to help families like my own in the future.

Speaking of a, what a dilemma. Do one or not do one? I have several reasons to go either way. Do one - I might decide to get my Ph.D. one day and it would be helpful to have a thesis under my belt and I could get published in a journal. Don't do one - it doesn't look likely that I'll get my Ph.D., I'm not that interested in research, I don't know that I could dedicate myself to something as time consuming as a thesis, and I don't want to kill myself next year with classes, an internship, a possible assistantship, and a thesis. See my problem? I'm trying to set up an appointment with the director of the MFT program in hopes that she can give me some guidance. It's scary though...I feel like I need to decide my future RIGHT NOW. Most everyone else in the program has already decided to do a thesis. What's more is that they know exactly what their topic would be. I don't even know what general subject matter I would want to concentrate on. Oh man.

Ben and I talked for a long while tonight. I really look forward to our phone conversations. I mean, what else do I have right now? I am counting down the days to fall break like you wouldn't believe. I overheard a conversation on the bus today between two people who had no idea when fall break was. In my mind, I'm thinking, "How do you now know when it is? It's been in my planner for over a month!" But I didn't speak up. Maybe they don't have Atlanta and their boyfriends to look forward to. Tonight, we were trying to decide how we were going to see each other this summer. Yeah, it's several months down the road but there's nothing wrong with thinking ahead. We didn't come to any conclusions though. He doesn't know if he'll be taking classes all summer and I don't know how much time I will be devoting to my assistantship this summer, how many breaks we'll have, etc. It would be SO great if he could move up here for, at least, half the summer. The problem would be what to do with Miss Alice. We'd figure out something though, I think.

The more classes I have, especially the one I had today, the more I realize how I want to approach my own family. Today, for instance, I decided that I'm building a tree house with my kids. I want to have dinner together every night. I want to go camping together. I want to have board game nights. I want to do all the things as a family that my family never did. It makes me anxious to start one now. Obviously though, that isn't an option at the moment. Which is okay.

As a final note, my legs are really sore from the gym. I hope this working out will pay off.

Monday, September 15, 2008


Before I got busy for the evening, I wanted to write a bit. I'm just exhausted this afternoon...which is usual for Mondays and Wednesdays. My days aren't all that long really but they feel that way. Maybe it's because I'm just sitting. That will make anyone sleepy. By the time I get home, I just want to crash. Or watch WifeSwap and eat snacks ;).

Class went pretty well today and I turned in my first ever grad school assignment. It didn't seem like anyone was too confident about it though because Damon (my professor - they prefer us to call them by their first names) didn't provide an example. I guess I'll see when I get it back. I just don't feel competent yet...know what I mean? I look at the second year MFT students and they seem so ahead of me. I understand that they have a year under their belts but it feels like there's more than a year between us. I'm terrified of doing therapy and being supervised, which, I think, starts at the end of April. APRIL. That's really soon, if you think about it. Everyday, I wonder if this is what I'm supposed to be doing. Today, I was rereading an e-mail that O'Dekirk had sent me before the semester even began and I was feeling particularly low. That helped me a bit. He's so encouraging. This just seems like a really lonely process. I've been told by several people that grad school was the most miserable time of their lives, they were depressed the entire time, and thought seriously about quitting every semester. I can't even count how many time I've already considered quitting. It has less to do with whether I want to do this and more to do with whether (I think) I CAN do this.

I had a bit of a breakdown last night and I can't quite explain why. I was talking to my mom about getting a pet, which I would love to do, especially since I live alone. She asked what I would do with the pet when I went away for the weekends. I hadn't thought about that. Suddenly, my little bubble had burst and I was really irritated, for some reason. Then, I just started crying. I don't know why. Maybe some of it had to do with how overwhelming this weekend was. I had three assignments to work on, lots to read, and I tried to make time to go out with the other MFT students. Also, I did nothing yesterday but work. Staying in all day tends to depress me. I'm so afraid that I won't be able to balance everything and I'll either become a complete hermit or my grades will suffer.

I had a pretty vivid nightmare last night. My aunt Trish and I both died in a fire while trying to save my Grandma. What's more is that the professor for my Tuesday class, Jennifer, was the angel of death who offered her hand to Trish and me while wearing a fireman's uniform. After I went to Heaven, or wherever I was, the only thing I could think of was that Ben and I would never get to talk to each other again. Unless he died, which I didn't want him to do. It was depressing. Needless to say, the remainder of my night was pretty restless.

My research assistantship is going fairly well, I guess. Except that it's boring. And my supervisor's office is suffocating. Everyone who knows me well knows that I'm a neat freak. And this woman is MESSY. Just sitting in her office makes me feel claustrophobic. I start getting really antsy and want to get out of there quickly. She's nice, though, and flexible with my hours, which I appreciate. I just wish the things I'm doing were more relevant than they seem to be right now. I'm volunteering at the camp she organizes, Camp WholeHeart, in October which I'm both excited and hesitant about. I've never even gone to camp, much less been anything resembling a counselor. She says it's a lot of fun though.

I joined the gym today and I'm really proud of myself for doing it. I told myself all day that I was going to but I was afraid my laziness would kick in this afternoon. But I did it and I'm eager to start working out. I'm hoping it will help with some of my anxiety.

As a final note...I miss Meredith. And I miss my MC ladies. More and more everyday.

Sunday, September 14, 2008


I'm going to try this...with no promises of it working out. I haven't blogged since I was in London and, then, I had some interesting things to write about...things people wanted to read (at least I hope they did). This one may not be as intriguing. However, I feel that I need a place to write and, for whatever reason, I can't make myself keep a journal (which is really sad because I own several cute but half-started journals). I've been told that, while in grad school, I need to take care of myself. Otherwise, I'll completely burn out. Is it bad that I'm already feeling a little burnt out? Anyway, more about that later. Usually, I just like to talk to others about my issues...that normally helps. But unfortunately, everyone around me seems to be busy with their own issues. I can hardly blame them for that. Why am I going into Marriage and Family Therapy when I need my own therapist? That's a question I haven't answered yet...though I've heard it doesn't hurt for a therapist to have a therapist. It's late and I'm starting to ramble. So what I plan to do here is 1) keep my friends/family/whoever wants to read it up to date with what's going on with me because I'll probably spend more time over the next two years reading than I will socializing and 2) have a dialogue with myself and anyone who wants to comment about the issues I'm experiencing as well as the good things that are happening in my life. Does that sound like a good plan? I'll write as often as I can. I have a feeling this will be a great method of procrastination...and I feel good about that :).