Sunday, February 14, 2010

They say that all's fair in love and war...except there's absolutely nothing fair about either.

In my last entry, I promised that another update would be soon to follow...but it's been 2 weeks. My apologies. It is simply a testament to how things have been this semester and how they will continue to be. And honestly, I have to be in the mood to write. Sometimes, I just don't feel like dealing with all the emotions that are stirred up when I write. I don't divulge everything here but, even so, it's usually just easier to avoid it altogether. Everything has been sort of nuts so I'll just touch on the most important things from the last 2 weeks, starting with this weekend.

It seems just crazy to me that today is Valentine's Day. Where in the world is 2010 going? Has time always gone by this quickly? I've been told that time passes more quickly the older you get and I'm really beginning to believe it. After James and I broke up, I certainly wasn't looking forward to this day. It was to be the second Valentine's Day in a row for which I would be alone. I realize that some people don't care about the holiday or don't even believe it's a holiday at all...that it was just created to make money for card, flower, and candy companies. That's likely very true but, nothing draws more attention to your singleness than being alone on Valentine's Day. And when you're recently single, it's that much worse. However, this weekend has gone really well and it's hardly even bothered me that I didn't have some romantic date planned. Yesterday afternoon, Molly came into town. We've been planning for a while to spend this holiday weekend together, seeing as how neither of us had official Valentine's. She surprised me with quite possibly the best surprise ever. She specially ordered mini cupcakes, in red velvet (my favorite) and vanilla (her favorite) from The Cupcake Shoppe in Raleigh. On the top of each was a letter and they spelled out "Happy V-Day to my BFF". I was really...touched. It just seems like I'm always the one coming up with things like that to do for other people. How nice it was to have someone think of doing something nice for me. I told Molly yesterday that she and I probably have the most reciprocal relationship I've had with anyone - friend or boyfriend. In the majority of my relationships and friendships, I give way more than I get. Not that I give with the expectation of getting something in return but I like to know that someone thinks of me, wants to do something special for me just because I'm special to them. My amazing Valentine's Day cupcakes from Molly.

Last night, Sam, Molly, Leah, and I had dinner at Chico's, one of our favorite spots in town. Afterward, we met up with Jodi and saw Valentine's Day. It didn't phase me that the theater was filled with mostly couples. I was just glad to be seeing a sweet, feel-good movie with my girls. What better way to spend Valentine's Day? The movie actually was better than I expected. Sam and Jodi weren't crazy about it because it's not their kind of movie but I think the rest of us enjoyed it. Movies like that make me feel hopeful that there is someone out there for me. There's a song too, "Haven't Met You Yet" by Michael Buble that makes me feel that way as well. I'm hanging onto those things. It would be easy to just give up and tell myself that I'll never find "the one" (if there is such a thing and I hope there is).The ladies at Chico's.

Today, Sam, Molly, and I went to church. I wanted to introduce Molly to Discovery because it's another one of those things that makes me feel hopeful. I don't think she was crazy about it as church isn't exactly her thing but, as my best friend, I needed her to see that part of me. Being a Christian is something that I've never really embraced until now, mostly because I didn't grow up attending church as most kids did. I wish I would have because now I feel like I'm playing catch up. As much as I enjoy going to church, I've let fear of being ignorant stop me from getting more involved. I worry that I'll embarrass myself by how little I know of God and the Bible. It's something I'll have to work on and be ready for. I would also like to be baptized because I never have been and I could certainly stand to be forgiven for A LOT of things. But again, I guess that's something I'm not quite ready for. Today was part 2 of a series called "Where Are You" about actually hearing what God has to say to you. Jason (our pastor) said today that, when those little ideas pop into your head and you're not exactly sure where they came from, that's God. This struck me because that happens all the time! And usually, it's not the most appealing thing that the voice is telling me to do. By appealing, I mean comfortable...and it usually involves reaching out to other people or doing something I may not want to do but know is right. It never even crossed my mind that that could be God speaking. I'm going to try harder from now on to not only listen, but to do what God is telling me to do. For me though, I think the hardest thing is just listening. I get so wrapped up in being busy that I don't allow myself to just stop and listen.

After church, Molly and I dined at IHOP (Sam was doing pre-marital therapy and couldn't join us) and it satisfied, as always. Then we went to the mall which didn't satisfy, as always (I just really don't like the Greenville mall). Upon returning home, we both took a nap. There's something really great about a Sunday afternoon nap. I used to take them quite often but, nowadays, my Sundays tend to be so busy that I feel guilty for falling asleep. Molly being here, though, seemed like a good excuse to nap instead of getting schoolwork done. We were both hungry after waking and grabbed some dinner at McAlister's before she left for Raleigh. It's always sad to see her go but we realized today that we'll be seeing each other for, at least, the next 3 weekends. That made parting a little bit easier. When I was complaining about Greenville earlier (as I do often) she brought to my attention that I could be in Maryland or New York (where I also applied to grad programs). That was a good point. I really would be miserable then (maybe...probably).

Speaking of school and whatnot...things have been going pretty well so far this semester. Right now, my main focus is accumulating the hours that I've been lacking since we started doing therapy. I've even joined the other two teams so that I can pick up more client contact hours (and gain experience, of course). I thought I would hate it but it's actually been sort of enjoyable having all three supervisors instead of just one and being able to see all of my classmates work instead of just the 2 who are on my team. It does take up a lot of time though - my Monday and Thursday nights are dedicated to team in addition to Wednesday afternoon for my own team. I've also started seeing two separate families for in-home therapy, one with Jamie and one with Marina. I really like doing co-therapy with Jamie because I feel like she and I are on the same page most of the time. And our family is very cool so that helps. I've just been trying to grab hours wherever I can and it's running me ragged. I have to keep my eye on the prize though...May 7th...GRADUATION. Hallelujah.

As for life in general... I'm trying to really work on myself. What I mean by that is learning who I am and accepting what I find. That has been my biggest obstacle in life, I think. Loving myself unconditionally. And that's what I'm working toward now. I bought these 3 books on self-esteem and I have high hopes for them. My task now is just finding the time to read them thoroughly. I know that I'm my worst critique and much harder on myself than I am on anyone else. I'm not sure where that comes from but it permeates every aspect of my life. I am literally my own worst enemy, the biggest block to my getting what I want. So now, I want to move toward changing that. Breaking up with James helped me to realize that I've already changed in some ways. Someone pointed out to me that, a year ago, I would have taken so much more before ending the relationship. And that's true. Somewhere along the way, I've gained self-respect and a knowledge that I deserve more than what I was getting. I know that, right now, I need to be alone. As in, I don't need to be in a relationship. I have a million other things to focus on, too many other things that would be taking my attention away from being with someone. There's school, of course. And, the other night, I realized just how concerned about James I still am and, as much as I want to, I can't just turn that off because we're no longer together. He's still in Afghanistan. He's still in danger. And I won't be able to breathe easily until he's home - hopefully in July. Until then, it just wouldn't be fair to date someone else. How can I date a person while I'm still so worried about my ex-boyfriend? In addition, I have a lot to figure out about myself before I can commit to another relationship. That needs to be my mission right now. The only problem is that I can't stop myself from looking for "the one". Every time I meet a new guy or even so much as see someone I could possibly be interested in, I find myself this him? Of course not. I just have to trust that he's out there somewhere, wondering where I am too and that, someday, we'll find each other.

1 comment:

Leah said...

I'm so glad Molly spent the weekend with you! I know that really brightened your V-day experience! I'm happy I joined you all for dinner and the movie!

Loving myself is a hard thing for me, so I can relate to your feelings on that subject.

Church can be very helpful and I'm glad you are opening yourself up to the thought of getting baptized. Very brave of you.

Lastly, I understand about not wanting to get into a relationship because you are still concerned about James. I would be the same way.

Love you!