Low

As I promised…here is my first real entry in over a month. Sorry it’s taken so long for me to get back to this thing. It’s been an absolutely crazy few weeks and I’m so glad to be looking at the end of them. Six days from today and I’m able to go home for Christmas. It’s been a long time coming.

I’m feeling a little low tonight, thanks to a few different things. The weekend hasn’t been bad at all so far, actually. Yesterday, I went to Raleigh to meet up with Sara, Molly, and Ashley so we could exchange gifts. We also got a cookie cake (those things are way too good) and saw Twilight (yes, it was my 3^rd time – don’t judge). It was so much fun to see it with them because they’re just as obsessed as I am. And watching Sara drool over Jasper was pretty fun too. When I’m with them, especially when we’re at Meredith, everything feels right again. It’s like nothing has changed, nothing bad has happened over these last few months. I’m happy again. The hardest part is always leaving…because then, I’m brought back to reality. I’m not a Meredith student anymore, I don’t live in Stringfield. I’m a grad student at ECU and I live in Greenville. Sigh. If Meredith had had a graduate program in marriage and family therapy, I would have seriously considered getting myself even further in debt to enroll in it. I miss that school, my friends, and Raleigh so much every day. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve met some nice people here but…it can just never been the same. And I’m fooling myself if I think it can.

Tonight was the MFT Christmas party and it was…nice. I’m just horrible in social situations. I always feel so awkward. It didn’t help that within 20 minutes of being there, I opened a bottle of soda and it exploded on me. And I screamed. Great. I just don’t feel like I know anyone very well outside of my cohort. I’m only familiar with a few of the second years, mostly my “buddy” Angela and I hardly know the doctorate students at all. Of all the professors I’ve had, the only one who was there was Damon. Of course, I didn’t know anyone’s spouse or children. I felt very out of place…and I think it showed. I hate being in those situations. I feel like I cling on to one person or a couple people and I end up following them around all night, which I’m sure is a little annoying. It also reminded me of how alone I am in Greenville. I have no husband, not even a boyfriend, no children, no family here… Of course, even if Ben and I were still together, I really doubt he could have made it to this party. It’s just hard seeing all the couples together, looking very happy, and knowing that I’m going home to my empty apartment. I had the option of going over to Kristy’s tonight…a few other people were going over but, honestly, I just wasn’t in the mood anymore. As lonely as I feel, I just wanted to be…alone. I guess this is just sort of the way it’s going to be for a while, huh? I need to get used to it. I’m kind of glad tonight is over.

It will come as no surprise that I am feeling a lot of pressure to get into a relationship, get married. I feel a little bit like an outcast among the other people in my program and, to a lesser degree, among my best friends. It’s really difficult to go from being someone who was in a long term relationship to being single. It’s a big adjustment in almost every aspect of life. I know I shouldn’t compare myself to anyone else but nearly everyone I know is in a relationship and I feel really left out. I can’t help thinking, “Why not me? What’s wrong with me?” And then I get into a really awkward situation like tonight and I realize…oh, that’s what’s wrong with me. Who wants to be with the girl who is never put together, never knows the right thing to say…?

Sorry to be such a downer tonight...it's just the mood I'm in.