I've Missed Blogging

Therefore, I will be back with an update very, very soon (think May 7ish). My life has changed quite a bit over the last several weeks. Some changes were expected, some not. I look forward to writing all about it :).

Mini Update

Is it really March? How is that possible? How is it possible that I will start doing therapy - real therapy - in a little over a month? Do I sound nervous? Am I asking too many questions? Ok, I'll stop that for now.

But really, 2009 is flying by. This is both a good and bad thing. Lord knows I'm ready to be done with school BUT I'm not entirely ready for all the changes on the horizon. On April 15th, we are able to start seeing clients. Ahh! AND (as if that were not enough) we start our internships. Mine will be at the Family Violence Program of Pitt County. It was my first choice so I'm quite excited about that but also slightly terrified. Domestic violence is not a light subject, after all. It will be a challenge and I think I have my work cut out for me. We're currently on Spring Break and that's hard for me to believe. Last semester, I felt like I was waiting and waiting for Fall Break and this semester - boom - Spring Break. I was supposed to be in Orlando right now but alas, that fell through...for a couple different reasons. I think I made the right choice on that front though, in retrospect. Oh well...I hope my friends have had a good time.

Last weekend was Tiffany's bachelorette party and it was a pretty wild night. Tiffany is married now! That's hard to wrap my mind around. Actually, it's hard to imagine any of my friends getting married. Am I really old enough to be getting married? Well, obviously, I'm not getting married but to have friends who are is a bit of a reality check. Tiffany was my RA freshmen year and that's how we met. Then, she became my feminist role model of sorts. We lost touch for a bit last year but we've since reconnected. Unfortunately, she and her new hubby are moving to Canada in the spring. Hopefully, we'll stay in touch via Facebook and e-mail. I'll miss her.

Speaking of weddings, Laura and Aaron's wedding is this Saturday. Again, hard to believe. This will surely be the highlight of my Spring Break. I'm quite excited to be a bridesmaid and to have a part in their big day. They're a great couple. I hope someday to meet someone who I mesh with as well as they do. Ah, I can dream...

Death to Cupid...Or Maybe Not ;)

There are just never enough hours in the day...never. And you know, I've been so much better at getting up early than I ever was in undergrad but I don't feel like I get that much more accomplished. 2009 has been a busy year so far but what's more is that it's actually been...fun. Who would have thought?

I feel like I've gotten so much closer to the members of my cohort. It's as though something transformed over Christmas break. Not that I didn't enjoy them last semester...I did. It just feels different now. I think these are people who I will definitely stay in contact with beyond graduation. This Thursday, there will be a meshing of my Raleigh/Greenville friends. Several of the MFTs (and a couple boyfriends) are going with me to see The Vagina Monologues at Meredith. It will be the first time any of them have met. I'm excited but also a little nervous. I hope everyone gets along. Not that they'll have a whole lot of time to not get along that evening. I'm wondering how I will feel about watching the VMs as opposed to being in them. I really do miss that. Being a part of the VMs is such a bonding and empowering experience. I'm not sure that, had I done them at ECU this year, it would have been the same. There's just something about being backstage with your best friends, dressed in red and black, and talking about vaginas. You can't beat it. I am looking forward to my Greenville friends seeing this Meredith place I'm always going on about.

Speaking of which, I was at Meredith this weekend. I had the opportunity to see Schoolgirl Figure, starring none other than my Lil Sis, Sara. It was a comedy about high school girls with eating disorders. They compete to see who will be the skinniest and whoever is, wins "The Bradley". You might be wondering how a play about eating disorders could possibly be a comedy...I had wondered that myself. But it was so FUNNY. The writer took something serious and made it humorous. I can't even describe how she did it. Throughout the play, I kept thinking, "Should I be laughing at this?" I almost felt guilty. It was a great show, though, and Sara was hilarious as usual. She really has a knack for comedy. Aside from seeing the play, I had cupcakes with Hillary and Molly and was able to meet up with Tiffany for dinner. This Raleigh experience was much better than the last one I had.

The next day was Laura and Aaron's wedding shower. It was going to take place in Cary and I just KNEW I would get lost on the way there. Sure enough...I got extremely lost. I literally had no idea where I was. That made getting directions from Aaron a bit more difficult. Somehow, I finally made it there...and only 45 minutes late! The shower ended up being a lot of fun though. It was nice to meet Laura and Aaron's families and it made the reality of the wedding sink it. I can't believe it's in less than a month! Laura is my first close friend to get married. Next comes Tiffany, Ashley, Jamie, and Rasheeka. Wow. It's no wonder I have this fear that all my friends are going to get married and leave me behind. I really am happy for Laura and Aaron though. They are fantastic people who happen to be great for each other. I am really blessed to have them as friends.

Back in Greenville, it was time for Kristy's birthday dinner. I wasn't in the best of moods when getting ready to go out that night. First of all, it was Valentine's Day...the first in 5 or 6 years that I didn't have a boyfriend. It was a little strange, a little sad, for me. I had been looking forward to meeting a friend of Jamie and Will's who was coming to the party. I thought that might brighten my V-Day a bit. Well, that is, until I found out he wasn't coming. Apparently, he was having car issues. Of course he was. Anyway, I didn't want that to ruin my evening. So I put on my cute new dress and went out. I ended up having a really good time too. Valentine's Day turned out to be much better than I had expected...even without a Valentine of my own.

2009 Thus Far

I just realized that I've only posted once in 2009...and that just can't be. A lot has happened since January 5th. I'll give a run-down, elaborating on what I find to be the most interesting (if you disagree, sorry!).

I returned to Greenville on the 10th. I have to be honest, I was NOT looking forward to it. I wanted to see my cohort but I did not want to start a new semester. I had gotten really attached to waking up when I wanted to, doing what I wanted to do, etc. I knew it was going to be hard to give that up. So far, it hasn't been too bad, as far as falling back into school habits. However, it is sad to think that was probably the last time I'll have that much free time for a long while. Welcome to the REAL WORLD, right?

Classes began and were, as usual, a bit overwhelming. Looking at the syllabus (or 4 syllabi, in my case) makes your head want to explode. Or maybe that's just me. This semester will be especially challenging because, in April, we begin our internships as well as seeing clients...on top of classes and an assistantship. It will be a lot to balance but I like to think that, in the end, we will be better for it. Someone please remind me of that when I'm going through it. I'm taking two seminar classes which are supposed to prepare us for the practicum we have over the summer. I have to admit that I was very nervous about these classes, mostly because I didn't know what to expect. "Seminar" is not very informative and, as someone who has some OCD tendencies, I like to know what I'm getting myself into. Our professor for Seminar II is Damon, who we had last semester and are all very familiar with. For Seminar I, however, we have David who I had only HEARD about. Nothing bad...mostly that people were intimidated by him. Well, I can see why. This became abundantly clear when, upon entering the classroom on the first day, the only seat open to me was right next to him. This did not do much for my anxiety. But, after expressing my anxiety to the class on the topic of transitioning from student to therapist, he grabbed my hand, asked Jodi to grab my other hand, and asked if I trusted them. I do...and that made me feel better - as though it was okay to be vulnerable, even in front of someone who scared me a little bit. I like the fact that these seminar classes are for only my cohort because I think they will help to bring us closer together. Also, I feel more comfortable speaking up. I kicked myself sometimes last semester for being so quiet.

I went to Raleigh the weekend after classes started...this was both a good and bad idea for me. It was to be the first time all my friends had been together since September, before Hillary left for Austria, and I was excited about the reunion. I arrived on Sunday and was able to spend a nice afternoon with Hillary and Molly, as well as having dinner with Sarah B. (which was great because we hadn't seen each other since November). I feel a plethora of emotions when I'm at Meredith. On the one hand, I am so happy to be back in a place that I love. Greenville has been, and still is to some extent, unfamiliar to me and to be back on my own turf is really refreshing. Also, I love being with my friends and it's easy to pretend that I'm still a student there. On the other hand, because Meredith brings back so many good memories for me, my life as it is now sort of pales in comparison. And that makes it hard to come back to Greenville. So, what happened the next day was pretty upsetting. I had planned to stay in Raleigh until Tuesday because my friends and I were going out Monday day - something we had been looking forward to for several weeks. However, early Monday afternoon, my mom calls and informs me that it is supposed to snow several inches in both Raleigh and Greenville and that it would be wise for me to go home that day. I didn't take that news so well. Ashley was coming in from Ramseur and Sara was just returning from seeing her boyfriend...right as I was about to walk out the door. I felt really deprived of my time with them and I realized how lonely I was going to feel coming home, especially knowing that they were going out that night without me. That single event opened a can of worms.

After I returned to Greenville, I had a mini-crisis (I've had a lot of those over the past few months). I was thinking very seriously about quitting the MFT program. I even went as far as to start researching other grad programs as well as what I could do with a BA in psychology (ha - nothing). To make a long (and painful) story short, a friend really talked some sense into me and made me realize that getting my Masters (whether I choose to practice therapy or not) is opening lots of doors for me. I don't want to deny myself that opportunity.

So...the moral of the story? I am trying very hard to think more positively, take it one day at a time, and remember that there are lots of people who love me and want to see me succeed, no matter what I happen to succeed at. And those people are the ones I can turn to when I have my mini-crises (or mega crises) in the future.

The Holidays

It's really hard to believe that the holidays are over. It seems like just yesterday that I was coming home. And in a few days, I'll be heading back to Greenville. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about that yet. It's going to be hard to give up the free time. My time at home has had its ups and downs but I've enjoyed being here. It's nice to always have someone to talk to.

Christmas went surprisingly well. The day before Christmas Eve, we had my mom's side of the family over for our traditional dinner and exchanging of gifts. This is always an adventure. One year, a piece of tissue paper caught on fire and THAT was a sight to see. Nothing like that happened this year but I still ended up having a really good time. After everyone left though, I started feeling a bit down. Something was just missing from the gathering. It didn't take much thought to realize what that was. I had a good cry with my mom and felt a little better.

On Christmas Eve, I met up in Randleman with a few of my high school friends - Amy, Cole, Emily, Ashley, and, Ashley's fiance, Jordan. This was the first time we had all been together in a very long time. At first, it was slightly awkward, as though we weren't quite sure what to say to each other. After a few minutes though, it was if nothing had really changed. We were laughing and talking as we always had. One of the main topics of conversation was where our old classmates are now. It was shocking how many of them are married and/or have kids...some people I would have NEVER imagined. That just made me feel old. We ended up staying for about 3 hours and I was actually kind of sad to leave.

I was in a bit of a bad mood later on Christmas Eve. I didn't mean to be. It was just that, for one, the Christmas spirit had still not taken hold of me, and, secondly, I was just really missing Ben. Nothing like the holidays to make you miss the people who aren't around anymore. We didn't usually spend Christmas Eve together but he was still very much in my thoughts. I became more cheerful, though, as the night went on. My mood change just happened to coincide with opening presents :). My parents framed my Meredith diploma and that was definitely one of the best gifts I could have received. I nearly started crying.

Christmas Day was mainly uneventful as we don't normally do very much. Again, I was thinking quite a bit of Ben. For the past three years, I've had dinner with him and his family on Christmas Day. It was strange to just hang out around the house instead of getting ready to go out. I kept wondering what he was doing, if his Christmas was going well... These thoughts didn't bring me down too much though. I wanted to enjoy what was left of the holiday.

My dad's family came over for dinner and gifts the following weekend. Ashley was also able to come, which I was really excited about. She'd never been to my house before and I was glad she'd be there to fill a bit of the void I'd felt at my last family get-together. I was sad to see everyone go that night. It meant that Christmas was officially over and that has been a depressing realization to me since I was little.

The Sunday after Christmas, Amy and I went to see Mercy Mercedes in Greensboro. If you haven't heard of them, Mercy Mercedes is a local band who are beginning to make it quite big (they're on iTunes, for goodness sakes). My ex-boyfriend, Tom, is the bassist and several of the guys went to Randleman High. It felt a little strange, at first, to be hanging out with Amy one on one. Not strange in a bad way, just...unpracticed. It had been a long time since just she and I went out. We had a nice dinner at the Olive Garden, a couple drinks downtown, and then made our way to Greene Street for the show. The band did really well and you could tell the crowd loved them. It was a bit surreal to see Tom up there with all these girls screaming. He's something of a rock star now, I suppose. After the show, Amy mentioned talking to Tom and I began to freak out a little. It had been quite a while since I'd seen him and I just didn't want to stand there awkwardly. It turned out to be less awkward then I'd expected though. His girlfriend was there. She was cute and seemed nice enough but...it's just never fun to see your ex with his new girlfriend. Never fun. It was a good night though, overall.

New Years Eve was another day I had not been looking forward to. Last year, it was a really fun evening. This year, I had absolutely nothing planned. I knew all my friends would want to be with their significant others so I didn't even bother to ask if they could hang out with me. It didn't turn out so badly though. I watched the ball drop on 2009 with my parents and then we played a game together. No, it wasn't a party and I didn't get a New Years kiss but...it could have been worse. I could have been completely alone.

I'd planned on doing a short reflection on 2008 but, as I've already written quite a bit here, I think I'll save that for later.

Blue Christmas? I hope not.

This break has not been what I expected...thus far. Maybe I go looking for bad things. I was thinking about that today. Perhaps the reason these things keep happening is because I keep expecting them to happen. At the same time, I'm almost afraid to not expect them when they've been happening so often. I'll explain.

I went to visit Hillary in Raleigh on Saturday. She had just gotten back from Austria and I was very excited to see her again. It's interesting how it was. As soon as we were alone (I picked her up from Travis's), it was as though no time had passed. We were just chatting and laughing as we always have. We had lunch at Whole Foods and ended up sitting there for probably two hours, just talking. A bit later, we ended up at Starbucks for coffee and more talking. I'm surprised I didn't lose my voice. But it was so NICE. No one else gets me as well as Hillary does. She can just look at me and know what I'm feeling/thinking. I mean, sure, that can get annoying when I don't really want her to know these things but, most of the time, it just reminds me why she's my best friend. I am so very glad she's back in the country. Anyway, that evening, we went back to Travis's and, eventually, started watching Love Actually. A few things started happening at once. Suddenly, I was very aware of Hillary and Travis, cuddling on the couch. Now, don't get me wrong...I really like Travis and I'm so glad Hillary found someone like him. I'm happy for them. However, right now, it's just difficult for me to be around couples...especially if there is no one else there to distract me. Also, the movie was starting to get to me. I LOVE this movie but it's a love story and I was tired. When I'm tired, any emotion that I'm feeling is amplified. At the moment, I was feeling sad. So, I started to cry. I wanted to be discreet though so I just sank deeper into the couch (Hillary and Travis were on the other one) and tried to hide. No dice though. Hillary totally knew I was upset (example of what I was explaining earlier) and she had a good feeling about why. I told her later that, sometimes, it hits me how very much I miss Ben. I start picturing his face and things he used to say and, all of a sudden, I just can't hold it in. It was like that that night. And it was sort of embarrassing. I don't like to break down in front of other people. Hillary was okay but Travis was there too and I just hope he didn't feel too awkward. It was a bit of a rough night for me.

When Hillary and I were driving from Whole Foods to her house on Saturday, my car started to overheat. Mike (her "stepdad", though she'd rather not refer to him as such) put some water and coolant in my car but to no avail. We tested it on Sunday and, after just a leisurely drive around the neighborhood, it was overheating again. Great. Not to mention typical of my lovely Ford Probe. My dad ended up having to pick me up from Raleigh. My car has a knack for breaking down when I'm away from home. We were hoping it was just the thermostat but found out today that it's the water pump, which is more expensive. Double great. Hillary was gracious enough to let me tag along with her to Outback where she was having lunch with her family. It ended up being a really nice meal that I enjoyed so I guess the afternoon didn't end too badly. And I apologized to Hillary for being so emo.

For Christmas, I ordered my mom a subscription to the new Food Network magazine and was excited to give it to her. Today, however, sort of ruined that surprise. She checked the mail this afternoon and found a postcard that said something along the lines of "Melissa Staley has ordered a subscription of the Food Network magazine for you". I tried to grab it out of her hands but she had already seen it. I was so pissed. I could only get two things for my mom and one was already ruined...three days before Christmas. This small event was the last straw. I broke down, babbling about how this Christmas has just sucked...for the obvious reasons along with everything else that has been happening. I know that if these things had occurred last year, it would have been frustrating but I wouldn't have thought too much about it. This year, however, it just feels like things are piling up. I want to change my attitude about life but that's easier said than done, believe me. I've been making conscious efforts but, when you've been stuck in such a pessimistic mindset for so long, it's difficult to change. I'm hoping that the new year will bring me better strength. I know that life will deal you some blows and I want to be better able to deal with them than I have lately.

Perhaps my next blog will bring better news :-/

Standing at a Crossroads

I don't have a set topic in mind for this entry...so do excuse me if I ramble a bit.

First of all, the semester is finally OVER. Yes, I survived my first semester in graduate school. It's hard to believe, especially with all the little obstacles I encountered along the way. Ooh, and another bit of good news...I made ALL A's! It's very exciting. I was a little worried about, at least, one of my classes (Ethics was HARD) but I persevered. That was a nice Christmas present that I gave to myself. When I look back on it, I don't know how I managed to concentrate on school with everything else that was going on in my life, especially at the beginning of the semester. Of course, having a certain distraction removed (albeit, not by choice) did make it easier to focus on my work. When everything was over, I wanted to make sure that I thanked the people who helped me through the semester. One of them told me that, as great as it is that I made it through, the feeling of insecurity never really goes away. That didn't surprise me much. I've felt insecure my entire life, I told him, so I'm used to it at this point. I do hope that, someday, it does fade a bit. I have a difficult time thinking about the semesters to come though. It just stresses me out a little...especially when I consider starting my internship. I'm ready to know NOW where it's going to be. I've been looking into the Family Violence Program of Pitt County. I would love to work with victims of domestic violence. I don't know why but that issue has always been one that's close to my heart. I hope that site does work out for me. It really just comes down to how many contact and relational hours I would be able to get there. If it's going to hold me back from getting the hours I need to graduate, despite the great experience I would gain, I almost can't see the point in working there. Most of the other possible internship sites don't interest me that much because they're mainly medical. I don't plan to go into medical family therapy and, from what I've seen, the work the MFTs do at those sites is very brief...not exactly what I'd originally pictured. But I guess we'll just have to see how it all pans out.

I've been home for the holidays since Friday and it's been...alright. It's been really nice to just lounge around, watch TV, read books I actually want to read. But, unfortunately, I'm already longing for human interaction outside of my parents. I've sort of made plans to hang out with Ashley (since she lives so close) but that won't be happening until after Christmas. Cole and I had talked about hanging out but, as far as I know, he isn't home yet. Sarah works all the time. Molly and Sara are at home, out of state, for Christmas. James, who I had originally made plans with back in October, suddenly has a new girlfriend and couldn't care less about doing something with me, apparently. My high school friends and I have made tentative plans for after Christmas...which should be fun but, perhaps, a little awkward since we haven't all been together in a very long time. Honestly though, I'm looking forward to it. Amy and I are actually going to see Mercy Mercedes (with a trip to the Olive Garden beforehand, perhaps) on the 28th. That will be the first time she and I have done anything one on one in a while too. It will also be the first time I've seen Tom in quite a while...not that he'll even know I'm there, surely. I think a lot of people are due to be at that show. Anyway, I really am happy at the prospect of seeing these people who have sort of slipped out of my life.

Hillary will be home from Austria tomorrow and I'm quite excited about that. I'm not meeting her at the airport as initially planned but I will be going to Raleigh for a visit on Saturday. I wonder if it will be weird at all or if we'll just fall right back into place. I'm thinking that the latter is more likely. We don't have anything planned for the day as of yet but I'll just be glad to see my best friend again. This was really the worst semester she could have been away...for me anyway. But at least I was able to talk to her over AIM (since she broke down and got it) and Skype. Lord knows I've missed her.

To my readers...I'm sorry if my blogs are depressing. It has recently come to my attention that they sort of are. That isn't my intention. I don't try to be such a pessimist. I think that's just where I am right now. I'm at a crossroads and it isn't comfortable. I was talking to someone a couple weeks ago about my current situation and she said that, apparently, I'm just going to be miserable for a while. Great. Who wants to hear that? I'm not saying she was wrong though. I think I have a lot of work to do.