Blue Christmas? I hope not.

This break has not been what I expected...thus far. Maybe I go looking for bad things. I was thinking about that today. Perhaps the reason these things keep happening is because I keep expecting them to happen. At the same time, I'm almost afraid to not expect them when they've been happening so often. I'll explain.

I went to visit Hillary in Raleigh on Saturday. She had just gotten back from Austria and I was very excited to see her again. It's interesting how it was. As soon as we were alone (I picked her up from Travis's), it was as though no time had passed. We were just chatting and laughing as we always have. We had lunch at Whole Foods and ended up sitting there for probably two hours, just talking. A bit later, we ended up at Starbucks for coffee and more talking. I'm surprised I didn't lose my voice. But it was so NICE. No one else gets me as well as Hillary does. She can just look at me and know what I'm feeling/thinking. I mean, sure, that can get annoying when I don't really want her to know these things but, most of the time, it just reminds me why she's my best friend. I am so very glad she's back in the country. Anyway, that evening, we went back to Travis's and, eventually, started watching Love Actually. A few things started happening at once. Suddenly, I was very aware of Hillary and Travis, cuddling on the couch. Now, don't get me wrong...I really like Travis and I'm so glad Hillary found someone like him. I'm happy for them. However, right now, it's just difficult for me to be around couples...especially if there is no one else there to distract me. Also, the movie was starting to get to me. I LOVE this movie but it's a love story and I was tired. When I'm tired, any emotion that I'm feeling is amplified. At the moment, I was feeling sad. So, I started to cry. I wanted to be discreet though so I just sank deeper into the couch (Hillary and Travis were on the other one) and tried to hide. No dice though. Hillary totally knew I was upset (example of what I was explaining earlier) and she had a good feeling about why. I told her later that, sometimes, it hits me how very much I miss Ben. I start picturing his face and things he used to say and, all of a sudden, I just can't hold it in. It was like that that night. And it was sort of embarrassing. I don't like to break down in front of other people. Hillary was okay but Travis was there too and I just hope he didn't feel too awkward. It was a bit of a rough night for me.

When Hillary and I were driving from Whole Foods to her house on Saturday, my car started to overheat. Mike (her "stepdad", though she'd rather not refer to him as such) put some water and coolant in my car but to no avail. We tested it on Sunday and, after just a leisurely drive around the neighborhood, it was overheating again. Great. Not to mention typical of my lovely Ford Probe. My dad ended up having to pick me up from Raleigh. My car has a knack for breaking down when I'm away from home. We were hoping it was just the thermostat but found out today that it's the water pump, which is more expensive. Double great. Hillary was gracious enough to let me tag along with her to Outback where she was having lunch with her family. It ended up being a really nice meal that I enjoyed so I guess the afternoon didn't end too badly. And I apologized to Hillary for being so emo.

For Christmas, I ordered my mom a subscription to the new Food Network magazine and was excited to give it to her. Today, however, sort of ruined that surprise. She checked the mail this afternoon and found a postcard that said something along the lines of "Melissa Staley has ordered a subscription of the Food Network magazine for you". I tried to grab it out of her hands but she had already seen it. I was so pissed. I could only get two things for my mom and one was already ruined...three days before Christmas. This small event was the last straw. I broke down, babbling about how this Christmas has just sucked...for the obvious reasons along with everything else that has been happening. I know that if these things had occurred last year, it would have been frustrating but I wouldn't have thought too much about it. This year, however, it just feels like things are piling up. I want to change my attitude about life but that's easier said than done, believe me. I've been making conscious efforts but, when you've been stuck in such a pessimistic mindset for so long, it's difficult to change. I'm hoping that the new year will bring me better strength. I know that life will deal you some blows and I want to be better able to deal with them than I have lately.

Perhaps my next blog will bring better news :-/