Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Counting Those Days Until Fall Break

So...this whole independent woman thing is beginning to fade. Don't get me wrong, I still see myself as being very independent and I'm fine being by myself. However, I can't ignore the fact that I'm also a big hopeless romantic and that I want to find the person I'm going to marry. Up until last Thursday, I thought Ben was that person. I thought I was on my way to getting engaged. Now, I've been set all the way back. It's like landing on a "go back to the beginning" spot during a board game. Not that it's a race or anything. I don't know why I want so badly to get married. I can't really put my finger on the reason. It's not as if many of the relationships in my family have been successful. What's more is that I know the more I look for it, the less likely it's going to come...and yet, I still look. When I met Ben, it was completely unexpected. I have a feeling that it will be next time too. And there's no telling how long I'm going to have to wait. As they say, you can't hurry love. Until then, I'll just try to enjoy doing my own thing, getting through school, enjoying time with my friends and family. But that doesn't mean I won't be a little bitter when I see a happy couple kissing or holding hands. I just want that...is it so wrong? Since it's been two months since Ben and I saw each other, I feel like it's been longer than a week since I haven't had it (though I've only been single for about that long). I'm going to try SO hard to be patient and trust that God will send my own Edward Cullen this way (sorry, Twilight reference).

I'm definitely my own worst critic. Today, for instance, I said something in class that wasn't exactly what the professor was looking for and during the rest of class, I was beating myself up over it. I thought, "Why did I have to open my mouth and prove that I'm dumb?" I overreacted, obviously, but grad school has a way of just making you feel stupid. I'm constantly worried about not grasping the material. I'm doing the work but am I GETTING it? I also worry that I'm not doing enough. If I spend any moment of my day doing something that isn't academic, I feel like I'm slacking off. Damon's class is probably of most concern at the moment. Our Theory of Change paper is approaching quickly and I have no clue what mine is. How can I know after not even one semester??? I have a meeting with him tomorrow to discuss my paper (or lack there of as I haven't even started). The theories we discuss in his class are over my head and I keep wondering if and when they're going to click with me. I'm not so sure.

I'm getting quite excited about Fall Break, especially if I can take care of most of my work by then. I'll be spending lots of time with my mom, I think...maybe going to a movie, buying a new bedspread (yay!), and perhaps doing some baking? Then I'm heading to Raleigh to see my lovely Meredith ladies. I never get enough of them these days. I miss seeing them as often as I used to. It just isn't the same without having them live down the hall. It won't exactly be the Fall Break I had been looking forward to for months but I'm still hoping it will be good. :)


Jill said...

I was catching up on all my stalking/blog reading and I have to say that I completely understand the Meredith comments. The one I usually get is "What made you decide to go to a women's college?" (said incredulously of course like it's the worst thing in the world)

Anonymous said...

I am late in responding to this, but all good anyway!

Just so you know, there is nothing wrong with wanting love and never stop believing and wanting that! At the same time don't rush love because it will come just when you want it, right on time, though...of course it may not be when you want it, lol. BUT IT'S COMING!! Nothing wrong with still searching though. Like you said-be patient. And we all get a lil bitter when we see people doing the romantic things we want or miss. I know I do, lol.

Maybe because relationships in your family have not been successful you want the opposite. You will find the one.

That comment you made in class was not dumb and she never said you were wrong. Don't ever be afraid to say what you're thinking regardless of it's right or wrong. You won't know unless you ask or say it.