So...this whole independent woman thing is beginning to fade. Don't get me wrong, I still see myself as being very independent and I'm fine being by myself. However, I can't ignore the fact that I'm also a big hopeless romantic and that I want to find the person I'm going to marry. Up until last Thursday, I thought Ben was that person. I thought I was on my way to getting engaged. Now, I've been set all the way back. It's like landing on a "go back to the beginning" spot during a board game. Not that it's a race or anything. I don't know why I want so badly to get married. I can't really put my finger on the reason. It's not as if many of the relationships in my family have been successful. What's more is that I know the more I look for it, the less likely it's going to come...and yet, I still look. When I met Ben, it was completely unexpected. I have a feeling that it will be next time too. And there's no telling how long I'm going to have to wait. As they say, you can't hurry love. Until then, I'll just try to enjoy doing my own thing, getting through school, enjoying time with my friends and family. But that doesn't mean I won't be a little bitter when I see a happy couple kissing or holding hands. I just want that...is it so wrong? Since it's been two months since Ben and I saw each other, I feel like it's been longer than a week since I haven't had it (though I've only been single for about that long). I'm going to try SO hard to be patient and trust that God will send my own Edward Cullen this way (sorry, Twilight reference).
I'm definitely my own worst critic. Today, for instance, I said something in class that wasn't exactly what the professor was looking for and during the rest of class, I was beating myself up over it. I thought, "Why did I have to open my mouth and prove that I'm dumb?" I overreacted, obviously, but grad school has a way of just making you feel stupid. I'm constantly worried about not grasping the material. I'm doing the work but am I GETTING it? I also worry that I'm not doing enough. If I spend any moment of my day doing something that isn't academic, I feel like I'm slacking off. Damon's class is probably of most concern at the moment. Our Theory of Change paper is approaching quickly and I have no clue what mine is. How can I know after not even one semester??? I have a meeting with him tomorrow to discuss my paper (or lack there of as I haven't even started). The theories we discuss in his class are over my head and I keep wondering if and when they're going to click with me. I'm not so sure.
I'm getting quite excited about Fall Break, especially if I can take care of most of my work by then. I'll be spending lots of time with my mom, I think...maybe going to a movie, buying a new bedspread (yay!), and perhaps doing some baking? Then I'm heading to Raleigh to see my lovely Meredith ladies. I never get enough of them these days. I miss seeing them as often as I used to. It just isn't the same without having them live down the hall. It won't exactly be the Fall Break I had been looking forward to for months but I'm still hoping it will be good. :)