Saturday, March 12, 2011

Even on My Weakest Days, I Get a Little Bit Stronger

I haven't had a real entry in quite some time because I've been considering what exactly to write. I feel like, over the last year, I've been writing about nothing but all the changes in my life. Why is my life always in constant flux? At least, I feel like it is. I'm one of those people who NEEDS stability and consistency but they escape me. In January, my life changed a lot. In February, it changed a good deal more. We're nearly halfway through March and I'm exhausted. Things seriously need to settle down.

On February 21st, Brandon and I broke up. It is a LONG and drawn out story but the basic gist is that he was offered a job in New Bern, NC and decided to take it. I was given the option to go with him but decided against it. I had just gotten back to the place I felt I belonged...the Raleigh area is almost more of a home to me than the city I'm actually from. My friends are here and my family is nearby. Job opportunities for me are here. I couldn't go anywhere. It wasn't an easy decision, though I made it quickly. It was just very clear to me. Not to mention the fact that I'd been in this apartment for exactly one month and couldn't stand the thought of packing everything up again and going through the physical and emotional turmoil of moving. And I knew that New Bern had nothing to offer me (aside from Brandon)...I would be at least an hour and a half from anyone I knew. Some people can live like that but I can't. That's really all I'm going to say about the break up itself. I'm not going to badmouth Brandon, especially online, though I'm still extremely hurt and quite angry over the whole situation.

Since then, I've had to do some serious thinking and my emotions have been up, down, and everywhere in between. The first week, it didn't feel real yet, especially since we saw each other nearly every day. The second week, I was a tower of strength...I didn't even understand where it was coming from. I felt GOOD, which caused a little bit of guilt because I wasn't sure I should be feeling that good. I felt at peace. This past week, however, has been rough. Some things happened on Monday that just tore me apart. Monday night, I simply lost was the worst I'd felt since the night we broke up and I was all alone, mostly by choice - I didn't want to call anyone; I just needed to deal on my own. The week improved after that but I still didn't feel nearly as strong as the week before and I couldn't stop thinking I'd let myself down. I know now that isn't the case because I'm going to have good days and bad days but I just wasn't willing to cut myself any slack. If a friend was in the same situation, I would have told her it was completely normal...I need to start listening to my own encouragement.

Initially, I didn't want a roommate. I couldn't imagine living in this apartment with anyone other than Brandon. Eventually, however, the thought of moving again became much less pleasant than the thought of living with someone I didn't know. And so I joined (which was pointless, by the way, as not a single person has contacted me or replied to my messages) and posted the room on CraigsList. I'll be's been a frustrating process, especially because my first few e-mails were sketchy and nothing I would actually pursue. Fortunately, it looks like I've found a roomie. She seems very nice (and normal) and we have some things in common. We've both agreed that we're not looking to be best friends but just live together amicably. I hope and pray it works out.

I'm still looking for a job and, needless to say, I started to freak out just a little bit more when I found out Brandon would be moving out. I applied for probably 15 jobs this week (after a friend kicked me in the butt and helped me realize I don't want to be so desperate that I take the first thing I'm offered) and I'm waiting to hear back about some promising leads (fingers crossed!). My stress level is going to continue to be paramount until I get a job. That's just how it is.

On a much happier note, I PASSED MY MFT LICENSURE EXAM...heck yes, I did! Allow me a moment to brag... Not only did I pass, I made a 173 when the passing score was 133. And who made the highest score of the 38 examinees in North Carolina? That would be me. And who made only 6 points less than the highest score in the US. Um...yes, that would also be me. Who's bad? I'm bad. Those test results brightened an otherwise gloomy week.

On another happy extreme amount of gratitude goes to my friends and family who have been amazing during these last few weeks. I've gotten phone calls, text messages, visits, free dinners, and more from them in an attempt to check on me, get me out of the apartment, and just generally make me feel better. They've been incredible. If this had to happen, I thank God it happened here. Even on the crappiest of days, I still feel blessed because I have some really super people in my life. I love, love, love them.

And that is how I'm going to end this entry because I've had enough bad mess in my life lately. Hopefully, I will soon have even better news to report (roomie situation working well? new job? won the lottery?). As Ellen concludes her talk kind to each other. Lord knows I've recently had a lot of kindness come my way. :)

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

From one MCG to another; I feel you. Picking your life and your future, your career over your love is hard. It sucks but we'll all be OK! :)