Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Rough Night

So, today started out well. I had my favorite class, which is Family Systems Theory. On the surface, it sounds very dry, doesn't it? But it's actually much easier for me to wrap my head around than my other theory class. And Dr. Hill has great stories and quotes. I find myself looking up his quotes after I get home. I love when he gets passionate about today when he was talking about the state of our economy and how obvious it is that everything that happens in our country affects other countries and vice versa. Anyway, it's always interesting. We talked a bit about An Inconvenient Truth and, now, I really want to read that or see the documentary. After Hillary watched it, she went into recycle mode and has been ever since. It's good though - she showed me the benefits of recycling and such. Even if she could be a bit obnoxious about it sometimes (wink - love you, Hillary). Dr. Hill read a quote by Stephen Hawking about how, at the rate we're going, in a millennium, the Earth will resemble Venus. And unless you missed the memo, you know that Venus cannot sustain life. That's SCARY and, for me, enough to make me take a few extra steps to the recycling bin.

It wasn't until this evening that things got a bit sour. I was talking to Ben on the phone and he mentioned some things that just didn't sit well with me. Albeit, it probably has A LOT to do with the fact I'm a little PMS-y, I will admit that. But I had a bit of a meltdown after we got off the phone. When I'm upset over a little thing, everything that has bothered me in the last week, or even month, starts spilling out. It's a little ridiculous. When I'm like that, I have a very hard time putting things in perspective. I started thinking about how Ben was meeting people, being liked by people...and I feel like I'm all alone up here in Greenville. Everyone keeps telling me that it will get better and, maybe it's just hard to distance myself from it enough right now to see that. A lack of confidence in myself is a big problem. I thought I had gotten over those issues in undergrad but they have recently resurfaced. I realize that I felt confident at Meredith because I was in a safe place that I loved. Now that I don't feel so safe, I'm doubting myself and why I'm here. And it's something that I can't change overnight. I've been trying to surround myself with things and people I know will make me feel good but that doesn't always do the trick. It has to come from within and I haven't figured that out yet. I wish I could stop attributing my value to what other people think of me. I don't want to care what other people think. I want to just know that I'm a good person, worthy of loving and being loved without someone having to tell me so. I want to know that I am in this program because I'm qualified and they think I'm going to make a good therapist. Of course, just because I want these things doesn't make them happen.

Fortunately, I have a pretty good support system - even if they're not located in Greenville - and, by the end of the evening, I was feeling a little better. It really is true that people need other people to survive.

On that note, I should go to bed. I have a test to study for tomorrow (my first grad school test!) that I'm really looking forward to. ;)

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