Before I got busy for the evening, I wanted to write a bit. I'm just exhausted this afternoon...which is usual for Mondays and Wednesdays. My days aren't all that long really but they feel that way. Maybe it's because I'm just sitting. That will make anyone sleepy. By the time I get home, I just want to crash. Or watch WifeSwap and eat snacks ;).
Class went pretty well today and I turned in my first ever grad school assignment. It didn't seem like anyone was too confident about it though because Damon (my professor - they prefer us to call them by their first names) didn't provide an example. I guess I'll see when I get it back. I just don't feel competent yet...know what I mean? I look at the second year MFT students and they seem so ahead of me. I understand that they have a year under their belts but it feels like there's more than a year between us. I'm terrified of doing therapy and being supervised, which, I think, starts at the end of April. APRIL. That's really soon, if you think about it. Everyday, I wonder if this is what I'm supposed to be doing. Today, I was rereading an e-mail that O'Dekirk had sent me before the semester even began and I was feeling particularly low. That helped me a bit. He's so encouraging. This just seems like a really lonely process. I've been told by several people that grad school was the most miserable time of their lives, they were depressed the entire time, and thought seriously about quitting every semester. I can't even count how many time I've already considered quitting. It has less to do with whether I want to do this and more to do with whether (I think) I CAN do this.
I had a bit of a breakdown last night and I can't quite explain why. I was talking to my mom about getting a pet, which I would love to do, especially since I live alone. She asked what I would do with the pet when I went away for the weekends. I hadn't thought about that. Suddenly, my little bubble had burst and I was really irritated, for some reason. Then, I just started crying. I don't know why. Maybe some of it had to do with how overwhelming this weekend was. I had three assignments to work on, lots to read, and I tried to make time to go out with the other MFT students. Also, I did nothing yesterday but work. Staying in all day tends to depress me. I'm so afraid that I won't be able to balance everything and I'll either become a complete hermit or my grades will suffer.
I had a pretty vivid nightmare last night. My aunt Trish and I both died in a fire while trying to save my Grandma. What's more is that the professor for my Tuesday class, Jennifer, was the angel of death who offered her hand to Trish and me while wearing a fireman's uniform. After I went to Heaven, or wherever I was, the only thing I could think of was that Ben and I would never get to talk to each other again. Unless he died, which I didn't want him to do. It was depressing. Needless to say, the remainder of my night was pretty restless.
My research assistantship is going fairly well, I guess. Except that it's boring. And my supervisor's office is suffocating. Everyone who knows me well knows that I'm a neat freak. And this woman is MESSY. Just sitting in her office makes me feel claustrophobic. I start getting really antsy and want to get out of there quickly. She's nice, though, and flexible with my hours, which I appreciate. I just wish the things I'm doing were more relevant than they seem to be right now. I'm volunteering at the camp she organizes, Camp WholeHeart, in October which I'm both excited and hesitant about. I've never even gone to camp, much less been anything resembling a counselor. She says it's a lot of fun though.
I joined the gym today and I'm really proud of myself for doing it. I told myself all day that I was going to but I was afraid my laziness would kick in this afternoon. But I did it and I'm eager to start working out. I'm hoping it will help with some of my anxiety.
As a final note...I miss Meredith. And I miss my MC ladies. More and more everyday.